ESCAPE PLAN (2013)

If, back in the late 1980's, it was announced that Stallone and Schwarzenegger were making an action movie together it would have been the biggest news in the universe to a young teenage boy like me who had grown up endlessly watching COMMANDO and RAMBO:FIRST BLOOD PART II.  But now, 25 plus years later, they have both pissed all over their legacies so much (by releasing weak clunker after weak clunker) that outside of a little nostalgic interest I had zero excitement going into this film.

Stallone is a security expert whose specialty is escaping prisons and then suggesting improvements to the facility, but when he gets himself stuck in a top secret government prison, he realizes that he's been double crossed.  He then teams up with fellow prisoner, Schwarzenegger, to bust out of...well, wherever he is.  That sounds very exciting and a good writer and director could make a film out of that story that would cause viewers heads to explode, but instead nearly everything about this film is unoriginal and tired.  Also the budget seemed to be surprisingly low...I have no idea what the actual budget was, but the film at least looked more like something suitable for a Lundgren/Van Damme pairing than a Stallone/Schwarzenegger one.

Great story idea that never goes anywhere, stale action scenes, lame looking prison, Sam Neill on autopilot, non-threatening evil warden (this would have been an ideal role for Lundgren or some other 80's bad guy), bland everything else.  Some action movie fans might like it, but I can't see myself ever wanting to watch it again.  Highly disappointing.

Part 2 - Escape Plan 2: Hades (2018)
Part 3 - Escape Plan: The Extractors (2019)

HANGING BY A THREAD (1979)

There is absolutely no artistic reason that this film should be 190 minutes long.  The entire story is: a group of dorks who call themselves the Uptown Club decide to go to the top of a mountain for a picnic.  On the way up, the cable car is struck by lightning and disabled.  For the rest of the movie, these nerds cry and bitch and have flashbacks...mostly melodramatic stuff concerning other members of the Uptown Club...while one single helicopter tries over and over and over to save them.  Booorrring!  It's all painfully slow with no pay off.

For some reason when I went into this film I was thinking the incident would take place on a Gondola lift in a urban area.  Car perilously hanging as crowds of people ooooohhhh and awwwwww.  But no, HANGING BY A THREAD is about a basic as it can be.  The lightning strikes during the daytime and then suddenly it's nighttime.  That means all of the "in danger" scenes take place with a black background.  How exciting.  Also, the helicopter pilot is nonstop bitching about the wind, but every time we see a flag it's hanging limp.  Same goes with people standing outside...their hair isn't even moving!  The filmmakers tried to pad the running time (I guess so it can be a two-night event) with a story about gangster hit men trying to kill one of the passengers, but it's beyond lame.

I had positive hopes for HBAT, but in the end I was bored bored bored. Low budget, stiff acting, lifeless script, pathetic photography, TV show-level sets, many many shots of people making facial expressions ad nauseam, unlikable characters, super weak ending.  Unless you're a glutton for punishment or a hardcore fan of some of these actors, I say skip it with a vengeance.  I wish I had...that said, knowing me, I'll probably watch it again in a year or two.

XANADU (1980)

No, somebody didn't slip frog puss in your sweet tea, this movie is completely wacky...and that's what makes it so much fun!  Then again I do have a weakness for bizarro musicals.

The story, like it even matters, is about this artist who rips up his crappy drawings and then throws them out the window in a humanitarian effort to spare the world from seeing his middle school level crap. The pieces flutter around Los Angeles until they land in front of a wall-size mural on the side of a building. The women painted on the mural come alive and start dancing and exploding and roller skating! I'm not lying! So later on the artist dude is walking in the park when rollerskating Olivia Newton-John bumps into him, kissing him and then explodes away in a flash of light.  The artist guy gets super horny so he steals a motorcycle and drives off a pier! Other stuff happens and before you know it they're opening up a rollerskating disco that's opening night seems like some kind of ultra-bizarre, highly-synchronized cult ritual.

Recommend for the open-minded only.  Grumpy oldz need to stay away. Would make an interesting triple-feature with THE APPLE and THE PIRATE MOVIE.