SABOTAGE (2014)

I've been less than impressed with the films that Arnold has been putting out since his return to the big screen and SABOTAGE does absolutely nothing to change my opinion.  This time around Arnold is the leader of a DEA Special Ops team that are apparently above the law or something.  Seems like their job duties entail: smashing in drug dealers front door, screaming "fuck" nonstop and killing everybody.  Things take a turn when somebody starts killing all of the agents one at a time.

Now if the story had just stuck to that it and told it in a linear manner it might not have been too bad.  Instead, SABOTAGE starts the story in the middle and then proceeds to jump around all over the place.  It's unneeded and probably(?) done as a distraction from the point that the story's weak.  Or maybe the filmmakers were just trying to be fancy.  Who knows?  Who cares?  The other thing that I disliked was just how unlikable all of the characters are.  Every single one of these scumbags were total trash.  It seemed like the only difference between them and the drug dealers were what side of the law they were on.

Anyway, standard action scenes that are done to death nowadays with the video game stylizing, gritty cinematography, etc., the word "fuck" uttered at least 150 times, brief bonerless tits, weak story, two actors from "Lost", impressive cast that is ultimately wasted.  Maybe I'm just getting old, but I'm really unimpressed with the majority of action movies that come out nowadays.  I would love nothing more than to see Arnold again in something awesome like PREDATOR or COMMANDO, but instead he keeps wasting my time with these soulless clunkers.  Skip it.

ESCAPE PLAN (2013)

If, back in the late 1980's, it was announced that Stallone and Schwarzenegger were making an action movie together it would have been the biggest news in the universe to a young teenage boy like me who had grown up endlessly watching COMMANDO and RAMBO:FIRST BLOOD PART II.  But now, 25 plus years later, they have both pissed all over their legacies so much (by releasing weak clunker after weak clunker) that outside of a little nostalgic interest I had zero excitement going into this film.

Stallone is a security expert whose specialty is escaping prisons and then suggesting improvements to the facility, but when he gets himself stuck in a top secret government prison, he realizes that he's been double crossed.  He then teams up with fellow prisoner, Schwarzenegger, to bust out of...well, wherever he is.  That sounds very exciting and a good writer and director could make a film out of that story that would cause viewers heads to explode, but instead nearly everything about this film is unoriginal and tired.  Also the budget seemed to be surprisingly low...I have no idea what the actual budget was, but the film at least looked more like something suitable for a Lundgren/Van Damme pairing than a Stallone/Schwarzenegger one.

Great story idea that never goes anywhere, stale action scenes, lame looking prison, Sam Neill on autopilot, non-threatening evil warden (this would have been an ideal role for Lundgren or some other 80's bad guy), bland everything else.  Some action movie fans might like it, but I can't see myself ever wanting to watch it again.  Highly disappointing.

Part 2 - Escape Plan 2: Hades (2018)
Part 3 - Escape Plan: The Extractors (2019)

THE LAST STAND (2013)

I remember when this film was announced with director Kim Jee-woon (I SAW THE DEVIL, THE GOOD, THE BAD, THE WEIRD) at the helm my handsome penis nearly exploded.  Arnold is my favorite action star and just the thought of him coming back onto the big screen after so many years away with something like I SAW THE DEVIL got me all excited...then I saw the trailer with goofy ass Johnny Knoxville stinking up the joint and all the wind went out of my sails.  Instead of watching it day one in the theater, I waited until it came out on home video and I'm glad I did.  THE LAST STAND is not a bad movie, I enjoyed it, but it could have been so much better.

The overly convoluted story is about a Mexican drug lord who's being transported somewhere when he escapes and then in his 1,000 hp car goes rocketing towards the border.  For whatever reason the Feds can't stop him, so now it's up to small town police dude Arnold Schwarzenegger and his deputies to stop this drug lord butthole from getting to Mexico.  That sounds dumb as hell and it's actually even worse in the movie.  Needless to say, if you want to enjoy this film you have to completely ignore reality and just allow whatever happens onscreen to happen without any complaint.  A car and a truck hit head on and the truck ramps into the air without even setting off the cars airbags...sure why not?  This 1,000 hp car drives well over 100mph for over 300 miles without getting gas...it could happen.  A giant magnet affects the cop inside a van, but not the bad guy who's also inside the van...happens all the time!

The other thing that bothered me was the pointless amount of time wasted on the government agents.  I don't give a fuck!  How about just cut them completely out of the story and instead of having the bad dude be a drug lord, have the entire film be much darker and have the bad guy be some asshole who raped and killed Arnold's family years ago and has now he escapes prison to get revenge on Arnold for shooting him in the dick?  Make the relationship between Arnold and the bad guy be personal so now it truly is a last stand.  A true fight to the death between two people who absolutely hate each others guts.  Maybe on top of that give Arnold inoperable cancer, so now he's dying of cancer and fighting this rapist murderer asshole.

As it stands...THE LAST STAND was an okay film with plenty of fun action scenes and thankfully very little screen time for Knoxville.  Still, I was hoping that it was gonna be much grittier.  What was the point of even bringing Kim Jee-woon on as the director if they were just gonna have it be like every other action movie out there?  Worth a watch as long as you don't expect too much.

If you need me I'll be in my room watching COMMANDO.