BREAKING DAWN - PART 1 (2011)

Ahhh yeah. My favorite comedy series about super moody vampires is back! Was it worth the wait? Yes. Was it as awesome as I had hoped? Yes. Was there tons of brooding? Yes. Fighting? Not really. Unicorns? No. Moonshine running? No. Cockblocking? Yes. A crying werewolf? Yes.  Alice getting naked?  Nooooo!!!!!

The film opens with Edward and Bella getting married (finally!!!) and on their wedding night The Beast With Two Backs shows up and as we all learned from Season 6 of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer": vampires are dynamite in the sack! Edward didn't just wreck the shit out of the bed, he torn that pussy up too. Before you can say "Gimme some of dat vampire jizz and put some stank on it!" Bella is pregnant with some kind of mysterious creature that's killing her from the inside out! Holy fook!

Naturally, the werewolf clan doesn't look kindly on this abomination and they want to kill the baby. Even more naturally, Jacob mopes around non-stop while being a whiny, cockblocking Beta! Ohhh, I hate him so much! Will Bella live? What the f is inside her? Can Edward possibly get more dreamy? Could Alice's smile be any cuter? Will I laugh so hard my sides still hurt the next day?  Will they ever make an Alice spinoff series?! Will there be a cliffhanger ending that makes me yell "What the fuck? Nooooo!!!!!" and shake my handsome fist at my TV? You're gonna have to watch it yourself to find out!

I'm not sure how I'm going to make it another year.

Part 1 - Twilight (2008)
Part 2 - The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009)
Part 3 - The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010)
Part 5 - The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2 (2012)

ECLIPSE (2010)

They can't make these fast enough for me. In fact, I wish they'd quit releasing these little two hour teasers and just release a 40+ hour epic. I'd be in Heaven.

A gang of bloodthirsty "newborn" vampires are out to kill Bella. But that's not what we're concerned about, ohhh no. I want to know if that dogbutt sniffing Jacob has gotten the hint and fucked off yet?! The answer: hell no! That douchey, cockblocking, Beta bitch asshole is still around and just as cockblocky as ever.  Can't he find his own goddamn woman?

A few other things I noticed: I'm really digging Alice. I'd be just as happy as could be if the camera followed Alice around for a few hours. I think she's really cute, has a interesting personality and her psychic powers are cool. Also, I don't read the books, so I don't know what happens to Bella's dad, but I'm hoping that he accidentally gets turned into a vampire and he keeps his job as Sheriff and then gets his own spinoff series where it's like "Twin Peaks" meets "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer" and he has to solve mysterious and fight weird monsters while coming to grips with the fact that he's now a vampire. To complicate matters even more, women are suddenly more attracted to him, but he's only interested in true love.

ECLIPSE progresses the story along nicely, but like I said, it just wasn't long enough. I want more goddamn it! It leaves you with some teaser stuff about the Volturi and the wedding and Bella finally becoming a goddamn vampire. Agggggghhhhh, now I'm going to have to wait another year to find out what happens.  This is vampire batshit!!!

Part 1 - Twilight (2008)
Part 2 - The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009)
Part 4 - The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1 (2011)
Part 5 - The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2 (2012)