LEVIATHAN (1989)

"Say 'Aah.' motherfucker!"

For whatever reason, 1989 was a big year for underwater movies.  THE ABYSS, DEEPSTAR SIX, THE EVIL BELOW, LORDS OF THE DEEP, LEVIATHAN and god only knows what else.  Unfortunately, the only film (that I've seen) that ended up being any good was James Cameron's THE ABYSS.  The rest sucked.  The less suckiest of the remaining suckers was LEVIATHAN which is simply an underwater retelling of ALIEN mixed with THE THING, but with all of the tension removed and replaced with bigger flamethrowers.

One day, some deep sea miners are doing their deep sea mining duties when they discover a sunken Russian ship called Leviathan.  Stuff happens and before you can say "Oh god, I hope my penis doesn't fall off!" people are starting growing icky scales and weird stuff like a mouth on their hand.  That sounds really cool, but after the initial shock wears off, it just turns into your standard monster movie.

Overall, LEVIATHAN is an entertaining ride and a neat time capsule to the world of cheesy-looking 80's monsters.  A little blood, mildly scary monster, average special effects, awesome failed attempt at a catchphrase ("Say 'Aah.' motherfucker!"), good acting, what appears to be Luxo Jr. on a computer monitor, average monster movie pace, strong cast.  Not a horrible movie, but it's nothing to write home about either.  Honestly, I expected more from Director George P. Cosmatos, who also brought us RAMBO: FIRST BLOOD PART II and TOMBSTONE.

Is that Luxo?!

THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE (2005)

One of the thing that women find most attractive about me is my ability to watch horrible movies.  "Ohh, did you see the way he watched SCARECROW SLAYER?!" they say bubbling over with unbridled lust.  "I once heard he watched AX'EM twice!!!" they think to themselves as they masturbate urgently in the shower.  Yes, I am one of the few people on the planet to watch ZOMBABIES without resorting to burning down their house and somehow even even finished SLIMED without punching my cat in his cute little furry face, but even my supermacho shitty movie tolerance skills were put to the test by this 174 minute TV remake of THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE.

First off not only does the movie look like total shit, but it also has a bunch of unneeded stuff about the terrorists planning and acting out the bombing onboard the Poseidon that leads to it for whatever reason flipping over instead of just sinking.  It's all very cheap looking and the story padded out so much that the pain is almost insufferable.  I did somehow found the strength inside of me to trudge threw it, but it wasn't easy and I regretted doing so the entire time.  When I'm laying on my death bed, I'll probably be willing to give anything for another 174 minutes of life and here I am now just throwing it away.  So let my wasteful suffering be a warning to you: don't watch this movie ever!  Instead do something productive with that 174 minutes like asking that hot chick/dude/dudechick/chickdude out on a date or reading a book or curing cancer or masturbating in the shower.

Part 1 - The Poseidon Adventure (1972)
Part 2 - Beyond the Poseidon Adventure (1979)
Remake 2 - Poseidon (2006)