Monday, March 15, 2010

SLIMED (2009)

Well, I'm the wrong person to review this turd. I hate Troma movies and this motherfucker is even worse than a Troma movie! I wouldn't be surprised if the filmmakers sent this to Troma and Troma told them it was beneath their standards.

Clocking in at only 58 minutes (was this a student project film?) it felt like it lasted 3 hours. Oh, it was fucking painful. Why do I even do this to myself?! I really have to stop watching/reviewing so many shitty movies and start watching some quality shit. If I keep reviewing shit like this people are going to think I'm some kind of fucking idiot!

There's a forest ranger in his cabin in the woods with some hideous looking chick that turned my stomach. He's having money trouble with the IRS, so when a Bible salesman knocks on the door they go walking in the woods to find a place to build a "nature room" (wtf?). While out there they come across some dude who's covered in green slime. He tells them it came from the door next to the sick cat wearing a hat while laying in bed (*sigh*), they find the sick cat wearing a hat while laying in bed so the Bible salesman sings him a song and they are allowed to enter the door. [Spoliers!!!] Once inside they find a large rat puppet who is making a cleaner that is highly toxic. The two morons escape by putting a blanket over their head (I'm not making this shit up!), then they fight some children, run from the slime and in the end get killed by God shooting lasers out of his fricken eyeballs.

It's rare that a movie can make your life worse, but watching this movie actually made me fucking stupider. I'm turning lemons into lemonade though: I'm going to try and watch review better movies from now on out. I know I'll backslide and soon enough be watching shit again, but I have to watch a number of movies Ozu or Bergman or Bunuel or Ed Wood or somebody with talent to wash this vulture vomit taste out of my eyeballs.

I hate being so mean in my reviews and I apologize to the filmmakers, but this mother really hurt my brain so it's my duty (haha...duty) as an unpaid, uneducated blog film critic person to warn my two or three readers to avoid this shit like the plague. Or if you don't believe me feel free order a copy for yourself from their website.

Here's some of the director/writer's short films to show you what I was dealing with. Imagine this stretched out to an hour...