DARK NIGHT OF THE SCARECROW (1981)

Originally broadcasted on CBS on October 24, 1981, DARK NIGHT OF THE SCARECROW tells the somewhat disturbing (for network TV) story of a young, small town girl who is friends with an intellectually disabled man named Bubba.  One day a dog attacks the girl and, thinking that Bubba is to blame, four hot-headed rednecks (lead by a perverted mailman who secretly has the hots for the little girl) hunt down Bubba and find him hiding in a scarecrow outfit.  They kill him and stage it to look like self-defense.  Bubba comes back from the grave dressed as the scarecrow and fucks them all up.

For an early 80's TV movie, DARK NIGHT OF THE SCARECROW is very dated, but it's still watchable.  I remember watching it on TV when I was a little girl and it was terrifying, but watching it now as a ruggedly handsome adult I barely even peed my pants at all during the infamous tree-shredder scene.  The one thing that did surprise me was just how slimy Charles Durning's character was.  Jesus Christ, this dude was creepy as fook.  Leering at the little girl, stalking her, grabbing at her, shoveling down food, always wearing the mailman outfit day and night, jumping off a tombstone!

DARK NIGHT OF THE SCARECROW isn't the best horror TV movie ever and honestly it's not even scary at all, but the story is interesting and the story moves along at a nice pace.  Worth a watch for fans of older TV movies.

CALIGULA REINCARNATED AS NERO (1982)

[Update 08/31/2021: Deleted most of the review.  Need to redo it completely. Fix the screenshots also.]

"Oh, I don't feel like nibbling your nipples now!""

Nero's loving mother wants her son to be emperor, so she kills her husband with poisoned mushrooms and Nero is crowned emperor. He's cool for awhile, doing his mother's bidding and engaging in unprotected sex, but soon he gets bored with normal sex and starts exploring the depths of freakiness and madness.

This film has it all: wall-to-wall nudity, orgies, incest, castration, gladiators, a gladiator revolt, lots of lesbian action, full frontal male nudity, rape, weird dancing, whippings, suicide, a muscled-up little person, gay 2nd base, Christians fed to the lions, cheap sets, tear collecting, decapitation and a lot of insane raving! It's one act of depraved lunacy right after another.

MUTANT (1984)

Mildly entertaining early 80's horror movie about two brothers who are out enjoying a road trip when they're run off the road by some hillbillies and their car trashed.  Even worse than that, is the small town they're now stuck in is slowly being taken over by zombies.  Zombies that leak some kind of acidic, honey mustard-looking goo out of their hands!  On the plus side, the older brother hooks up with a hot blonde.

As far as zombie movies go, MUTANT is okay.  The pace moves along quickly with a passable body count, but the whole thing is just too by-the-book for my tastes.  It doesn't have that special personality to it that makes other lower-budget 80's horror films like THE ABOMINATION, THE NAIL GUN MASSACRE or BLACK ROSES so awesome.  Although I did get a kick out of Wings Hauser's shorts, the boom mic reflection in the police car window, the blonde driving with her hand hovering over the steering wheel (she even turns a corner without moving the wheel), the obviously fake hand on that one zombie and the other zombie who trips and stumbles skull first into a wall. Ouch!

There is a slight charm to MUTANT and 80's horror fans will see that, but the charm will be lost on other less experienced viewers.