Wednesday, July 27, 2011

THE NAIL GUN MASSACRE (1985)

A woman is gang raped by a bunch of construction workers. Next thing you know a motorcycle helmeted maniac wearing camouflage clothing is going around killing people with a nail gun. The camouflage is pointless though because the killer is also wearing a bright yellow compressed air bottle on his/her back that's connected by a bright yellow hose to a nail gun. LOL.

I'm not going to bullshit you and say this is a good movie. It's a fucking turd, but an entertaining turd if you're in the right frame of mind. THE NAIL GUN MASSACRE is one of the greatest bad movies of all time. In the Special Features on the DVD the director tries to play it off like he knew it wasn't going to be a good movie so he cheesed it up some, but I have my doubts about that. I don't think it's even fucking possible to purposely make a movie so perfectly shitty!

Making a perfect bad movie is an almost impossible task. Rule #1 is you must be trying to make a good movie. The audience has to be laughing at you not with you. TNGM succeeds here. The actors appear to just be a bunch of locals and/or friends; the editing is a nightmare, there's scenes that go on and on and on for no reason; the killer drives a gold colored hearse; the special effects are elementary school play level; there's many moments where the background noise is louder than the actors talking; the killer has tons on one-liners, but his/her voice is so badly distorted you can barely understand what's being said and there's zero logic to the story: people die almost instantly after being shot with just one nail, even in places like the hand or shoulder. Also if you obviously have a person running around with a air canister fed nail gun why don't the police just do a search on all the air canisters sold locally in the last year. They're in a small town for Satan's sake!

Bergman it's not, but as far as shitty movies go this one deserves a spot in The Shitty Movie Hall of Fame, if there is such a thing. It's shitty, but action-packed and the slow scenes are so bizarre that they're fun too. It's also got some great lines to quote. My two favorites: "OK Turdface, cut the small talk!" and the confusing "Besides, I'm hornier than a rooster in a Chinese hen house.".  What the fuck?

Highly recommended for the lovers of awesome bad movies. Also here's a few NSFW screenshots.
Woman staring at camera and reading directly from the script!!!

Dying man prevents himself from falling by holding onto fence.