Tuesday, December 21, 2010

NIGHTMARES (1983)

Trying to cash in on the popularity of CREEPSHOW, NIGHTMARES showcases four completely lame supernatural horror short stories...

1. "Terror in Topanga" Nope, not a horror story about the chick from "Boy Meets World" being reduced to pornography then has a evil elf set up shop in her vagina. Instead it's about a woman going to the store late at night for a carton of cigarettes while there's a serial killer on the loose. Weak. Zero gore, zero tension, zero tits, very little blood. Complete boredom.

2. "Bishop of Battle" Nope, not a horror story about a the workers of a chainsaw factory called Bishop Chainsaw getting into a massive fight with zombies. Instead it's the extremely weak story about a dude who listens to Fear and Black Flag who gets into a fight with a video game and eventually sucked into the game itself. Silly. Zero blood, zero gore, zero tits, zero reason to give a fuck.

3. "The Benediction" Nope, not a gore soaked horror story about a gay priest/serial killer stalking the area around a early 1980's NYC gay bar called "The Benediction". Instead, we have Lance Henriksen completely wasted as a priest tormented on a desert road by a truck driven by a demon. Sounds cool, but it ain't. Not even close. I was so bored I wanted to slam my dick in a car door.

4. "Night of the Rat" Nope, not a pitch black horror-noir set in the early 1940's about a innocent grocery store worker in Berlin who is mistakenly fingered to be a rat by a local mafia that has strong ties to the SS. Instead, we get a family that hears strange noises at night and it ends up being a giant rat. What a surprise. Zero tension. Completely ridiculous.

Not only were all the stories weak and instantly forgettable, but there was nothing tying them together. I don't know what the back story is on this movie is, but it looks like they just had a bunch of crap laying around so they slapped it together to get a feature film length running time and just released it. Fuck it, CREEPSHOW was popular so we should get enough suckers to watch it to recoup the cost.
Not the last time we'll see Lance in a priest uniform.


Lights and camera vehicle reflection.