ONE DARK NIGHT (1983)

Slow-paced tale of a high school girl who wants to get into the cool girl clique "The Sisters".  Her initiation is to spend the night in a large mausoleum. That wouldn't be so bad, except the notorious "psychic vampire" Karl Rhamarevich was laid to rest up in dat bitch just this morning and he isn't quite dead yet. In fact, the last thing he did before he "died" was scare some females so badly that he telekinetically sucked all the adrenaline out of them until they died. Sounds like a real asshole. So now, Meg Tilly is high as a kite and scared shitless while her sisters sneak around trying to scare her...then the zombies show up.

If I'd seen ONE DARK NIGHT as a kid, that last 20 minutes would have scared the shit me, but as a handsome adult, I found the whole thing rather boring.  Zero nudity, small cast, zero blood, zero gore, camel toe (visible twice), great 80's hair and fashions.

Fans of 80's horror movies might enjoy it, but only if they have low standards.

WOMEN'S PRISON MASSACRE (1983)

[Update 04/24/2022: Deleted the review. It sucked. Need rewatch this film and redo this review completely. Fix the screenshots also.]

PERSUASION (1995)

I've never read the Jane Austin novel of the same name, but I might have to. I enjoy naturalistic romantic novels written in the 1800's, but many of them seem to be so goddamn depressing (I'm looking directly at you "Jude the Obscure") that I tend to shy away from them. Real life is depressing enough. But the story in PERSUASION seems a little different in that from early on in the movie I could tell that the man (Frederick Wentworth) and the woman (Anne Elliot) were going to get together it's just a matter of aligning everything just right, which of course means there's going to be a bunch of slight glances and gently deliberate brushing of fingers and such. Which is the best part of these kinds of movies! That and the manners and verbal dueling.

Before the movie, when she was 19, Anne Elliot fell in love with a young sailor. He was broke as fuck and not of a noble birth so Anne was convinced to break off the romance. Now (the beginning of the movie) eight years later the family is on financially hard times and forced to rent out their estate and move to the resort town of Bath. The new tenant is an Admiral and one of his Captains happens to be Frederick Wentworth, the man Anne fell in love with years ago and has secretly been in love with ever since! All kinds of stuff happens, but the main question is: Will their secret romance be rekindled?

Excellent quiet performances by everybody, especially the two leads Amanda Root and Ciaran Hinds. They make a good couple. At the beginning of the film Amanda looks pretty damn homely, but as the film progresses she subtlety gets prettier and prettier. Ciaran Hinds is always great. I've never seen a movie or a TV show where he wasn't great. If you like romantic period piece then check it out. The story is simple, but sometimes that's all you need.

MY SCIENCE PROJECT (1985)

[Update 10/05/2021: Need to redo this review completely. Fix the screenshots also.]

Mediocre 80's teen sci-fi comedy about a high school student who breaks into a military base and steals a glass orb gizmo. Turns out the gizmo is from the Area 51 spaceship and can rip the spacetime continuum a new asshole and in the process make all kinds of weird shit appear at the high school including a dinosaur, Nazi soldiers, Viet Cong soldiers, gladiators and futuristic mutants.

That all sounds good, but unless you fell in love with this movie as a kid in the 80's you're gonna think this movie is cheesy and kinda lame. The story is interesting, but after awhile it just fizzled out and died a slow death. You'd be better off watching THE LAST STARFIGHTER. Zero tits, dorky jokes, loose ends, dated special effects. Skip it.