GODZILLA (1998)

"...douche bag, gutter slime, dog crap, puke chunks."

A very large dinosaur with nasty, big, pointy teeth beats the shit out of a Japanese fishing boat, then stomps giant mud holes all over Panama. Then, before you can say “I wish they’d make a crossover of American Pickers and WRONG TURN.”, this humongous dinosaur is running all over New York City like a chicken with his dick cut off smashing the shit out of everything. Added to this excitement, is Matthew Broderick as a scientist.

To any nerd who cares about such things, this American reimagining of the beloved Godzilla franchise is a complete turd. And, as somebody who actually saw GODZILLA in the theater on opening weekend way back in ye olde 1998, I would've agreed with you back then, but now as a crusty old dickslinger with enough knife handles sticking out of my back that I kinda look like the original Godzilla, this goofy movie has grown on me.

The main trick is to completely dismiss it as a Godzilla movie and instead look at it like a late 1990’s high-budget monster movie. After that, just turn off your brain and embrace what an amazing time-capsule this movie is.  Poorly written script, pay phones, VCR's, tube televisions, odd pacing, pre-September 11th New York City, bizarre casting...including three actors from The Simpsons, a ridiculous soundtrack, an awesome old Taco Bell bag, a television newscaster called "Fat Pat", corporate sponsor overkill, multiple nods to other movies, NYC stereotypes, terrible dialogue, a full-screen viewing of Godzilla's crotch, overacting overdose, a Swatch Watch advertisement, early instant messaging, charmingly dated special effects, Ferris Bueller getting very flexible in that elevator, a Blockbuster Video sign not on the DVD release, looters piling unboxed electronics into the back of an uncovered truck during a heavy rain storm, a baby Godzilla eating a bag of popcorn...and so so much more.  I honestly think that I could give a four-hour presentation on this movie.

For an actual Godzilla movie, GODZILLA is terrible, but as simple entertainment...it does the job. Especially if you like bad movies. If you need me, I'll be in my room watching the surprisingly enjoyable cartoon sequel, Godzilla: The Series.

Showa era (1954 – 1975)
Part 1 – Godzilla (1954)
Part 2 - Godzilla Raids Again (1955)
Part 3 - King Kong vs. Godzilla (1962)
Part 4 - Mothra vs. Godzilla (1964)
Part 5 - Ghidorah, the Three-Headed Monster (1964)
Part 6 - Invasion of Astro-Monster (1965)
Part 7 - Ebirah, Horror of the Deep (1966)
Part 8 - Son of Godzilla (1967)
Part 9 - Destroy All Monsters (1968)
Part 10 - All Monsters Attack (1969)
Part 11 - Godzilla vs. Hedorah (1971)
Part 12 - Godzilla vs. Gigan (1972)
Part 13 - Godzilla vs. Megalon (1973)
Part 14 - Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla (1974)
Part 15 - Terror of Mechagodzilla (1975)

Heisei era (1984 – 1995)
Part 16 - The Return of Godzilla (1984)
Part 17 Godzilla vs. Biollante (1989)
Part 18 Godzilla vs. King Ghidorah (1991)
Part 19 - Godzilla vs. Mothra (1992)
Part 20 - Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla II (1993)
Part 21 - Godzilla vs. SpaceGodzilla (1994)
Part 22 - Godzilla vs. Destoroyah (1995)

Millennium era (1999 – 2004)
Part 23 - Godzilla 2000: Millennium (1999)
Part 24 - Godzilla vs. Megaguirus (2000)
Part 25 - Godzilla, Mothra and King Ghidorah: Giant Monsters All-Out Attack (2001)
Part 26 - Godzilla Against Mechagodzilla (2002)
Part 27 - Godzilla: Tokyo S.O.S. (2003)
Part 28 - Godzilla: Final Wars (2004)

Reiwa era (2016 – )
Part 29 - Shin Godzilla (2016)
Part 30 - Godzilla: Planet of the Monsters (2017)
Part 31 - Godzilla: City on the Edge of Battle (2018)
Part 32 - Godzilla: The Planet Eater (2018)

MonsterVerse
Part 1 - Godzilla (2014)
Part 2 - Kong: Skull Island (2017)
Part 3 - Godzilla: King of the Monsters (2019)
Part 4 - Godzilla vs. Kong (2021)

“Localized” releases
Godzilla, King of the Monsters! (1956)
King Kong vs. Godzilla (1963)
Godzilla (1976)
Godzilla 1985 (1985)

THE ENGLISHMAN WHO WENT UP A HILL BUT CAME DOWN A MOUNTAIN (1995)

Not to be confused with The Englishman Who Went Up a Hill But Came Down a Human Centipede, THE ENGLISHMAN WHO WENT UP A HILL BUT CAME DOWN A MOUNTAIN is the delightful fictional story of two English cartographers (Hugh Grant and Ian McNeice) who, in 1917, travel to the small village of Ffynnon Garw (in Wales) to measure a large hill. The hill is a matter of great pride to the local residents who proudly boast that the hill is the “first mountain in Wales”. Grant and McNeice regretfully inform them that the hill must first measure taller than 1,000 feet before it can officially be declared a mountain. This sets off an stirring series of events that will change the lives those involved forever.

As far as the “simple life in a small country village” subgenre goes, TEWWUAHBCDAM is pretty good. It has a strong cast and a fantastic story idea, but at the end of the day, it’s still lacking. Mainly due to the shoehorned romantic subplot that seems extremely forced. It also doesn’t help that the female love interest (for Grant’s character) isn’t even introduced until 43 minutes into the movie! (Remember: the end credits start at 93 minutes.) Also, while Tara Fitzgerald is a fine actress, her character has very little to work with here.  It's almost like the romance subplot was tossed in at the last moment. TEWWUAHBCDAM would have been better if either...the romantic stuff was dropped completely and replaced with more of the funny adventures of the villagers trying to prevent the cartographers from leaving (which I though was the highlight of the film) or beefed up and introduced much earlier in the story. That complaint shouldn’t keep you from watching the film though. As it is, THE ENGLISHMAN WHO WENT UP A HILL BUT CAME DOWN A MOUNTAIN is still a delightful little film that will brighten your day.

A few other things of note: (1) The standout performance by Kenneth Griffith as the local Reverend who got himself in the middle of everything. He was goddamn fantastic and stole every scene he was in. (2) The lack of screentime for Ian McNeice. He’s a great actor and his character was interesting. Not sure why he didn’t have a bigger role. (3) The landscape in this film was absolutely gorgeous. (4) There should totally be a remake of this film. Maybe with Martin Clunes and Ian McNeice as the two cartographers? That'd be funny for us Doc Martin fans.