THE 500 POUND JERK (1973)

When his breakfast cereal is discovered to have zero nutritional value, advertising man (James Franciscus) is given three months to save the cereal or be shitcanned. Around the same time, he has car trouble and at the garage meets a goofy lummox (Alex Karras) who doesn’t even workout but can lift up a car. This gives Franciscus an idea: train this birdbrained motherfucker for a few months, then toss his ass into the 1972 Olympics, avoid getting massacred by militants, win a gold medal in weightlifting and claim that the worthless cereal is why the Mongo motherfucker is so strong. Sounds like a completely sleazeball thing to do, but that's advertising for you.

When the title “The 500 Pound Jerk” popped up on the screen, I envisioned that the movie was going to be about a 500 pound bodybuilder walking around the Olympics being a douche. Imagine Rodney Dangerfield from BACK TO SCHOOL in Rich Piana’s body.  But nope, it’s about a weightlifting move called the Clean and Jerk and the 500 pounds is weight range they are going for to win the gold medal. How lame. That was disappointing. Still, this could have been a good film if they had leaned more towards the comedy aspect. But nope once again, instead, the filmmakers eat up time by shoehorning in a boring love story about our hero and a Russian gymnast. Lame!

Promising title, boring story, good acting by James Franciscus, interesting clips of the actual 1972 Olympic Games, that one guy from A HARD DAY'S NIGHT, sluggish pace, not one single song by Destroy Boys or Haunt Me in the soundtrack, Howard Cosell, weak ending. Honestly, I don't even know why THE 500 POUND JERK was made. There's nothing to it. Worth a watch for James Franciscus fans, but that's about it.  That said, I'm about 100% convinced that somebody involved with the making of 1974's BLAZING SADDLES saw THE 500 POUND JERK because Alex Kerras plays pretty much the same character in that film but just in a cowboy hat. "Mongo only pawn in game of life." So, for that alone, I'm glad this film was made.

GRANNY KRAMPUS (2024)

Six family members, each duller than the next, gather together at grandmother’s country estate for Christmas. Nothing happens for a very long time, then eventually a silly-looking troll critter in a Santa suit shows up and kills a few people in extremely boring ways. The End.

I will give it to the filmmakers, GRANNY KRAMPUS is a fucking awesome name for a movie! Unfortunately, that’s where all creativity ends. The main problem I have with this film is why does it have to be so goddamn dreary? You have two depressed sisters (whose parents recently died) visiting their estranged (and creepy) grandmother who lives with her invalid, brain dead brother in a poorly lit house. Then, the adult son (who is an alcoholic and gambling addict) visits with his socially awkward, “true horror podcast” loving son who appears to have the personality of an iceberg made out of frozen three-toed sloth urine. Once together, everybody argues and acts like dickheads. Merry Christmas!

I was wide awake while watching GRANNY KRAMPUS, but even still, I started zoning in and out during these long, pointless scenes of sad people talking. It was torture. INTERIORS, it isn’t! Then, when the Krampus kritter finally showed up I was honestly confused for a few seconds because I had completely forgotten that I was watching a horror movie! And that’s not a joke. It really did happen. I was like “What the fuck is that thing? Oh, yeah, this is a horror movie!”

Slow pace that never goes anywhere, boring monster, weak kills, very little blood, zero gore, zero nudity, zero cheerleaders, average acting (but I do have to commend everybody cause they had literally nothing to work with), shit script, okay camerawork, pretty house, a disappearing car driver, shadow of camera on actor’s shoulder. As a horror movie, GRANNY KRAMPUS is a disappointing nothing of a movie. But as therapy, it was kinda nice. Very quiet, lots of long boring scenes, no jump scares, no ups, no downs, no surprises. It was very chill and gave me lots of time to zone out. I appreciated that. As a matter of fact, as I'm writing this, Charlie is still sleeping on the sofa. Looks like he's been shot with a tranquilizer dart.

So, should you watch GRANNY KRAMPUS? Nah, it’s a 2/10 max and totally forgettable. But…THE JACK IN THE BOX: AWAKENING is a 4/10. So that’s twice as good, right? Similar British(?) country estate setting and a much better killer.  Yeah, I know all of the Jack in the Box movies suck, but I still have faith in the series.

FRANCIS COVERS THE BIG TOWN (1953)

I’m beginning to suspect that there is pretty much zero continuity between the Francis films. At the end of the last movie, Francis and Peter parted ways (yet again) but in this film they’re living together while Peter works as a copyboy in a large newspaper office. Soon though, Peter is promoted to a full-blown reporter thanks to the endless scoops that Francis gets for Peter by talking to various horses and mules around New York. It’s not all sunshine and carrot-flavored carrots though, no siree bob. You gotta remember (I guess there is some continuity after all!) that Peter is an idiot. So, while working on a story about a “protection racket”, his dumbass gets framed and arrested for murder!

Out of the series so far, FRANCIS COVERS THE BIG TOWN is the most enjoyable and best constructed. It even had a scene with Francis and Peter walking down a crowded street together. That was cool, I really enjoyed that. (I think it was West 46th St, but never been there. So just guessing.) Good pace, zero nudity, zero gore, a few goofy jokes that made me roll my handsome eyeballs, movie theater ads for SATURDAY’S HERO, HERE COMES THE GROOM, THE WELL and QUO VADIS, a brief John Qualen sighting.

I have more to say, but too depressed to think (or breathe). In short, Francis 4 is a fun addition to the series and worth checking out for those curious.

Part 1 - Francis (1950)
Part 2 - Francis Goes to the Races (1951)
Part 3 - Francis Goes to West Point (1952)
Part 5 - Francis Joins the WACS (1954)
Part 6 - Francis in the Navy (1955)
Part 7 - Francis in the Haunted House (1956)