THE BEEKEEPER (2024)

"Who the fuck are you? Winnie-the-Pooh?"

The Beekeeper just wants to live a quiet life. He rents a small space from a nice older lady on her sleepy little farm where he can raise his bees in peace. Then some bustas ruin it by fucking with the old lady. So now Beekeeper’s gotta split some wigs. At first, he tries to do things peacefully by simply beating 20 people half to death and then burning down their building, but nope. They’re still mad. It’s war! So now, before you can say “Catch me at the cemetery visiting my enemies.” Beekeeper goes full red rum on these fools. No more playin', no more sayin', just Beekeeper sprayin' lead. Blood streamin', they fuckin' with a demon. Dial 911 and reserve you an ambulance cuz the Beekeeper is gonna give you a new car to ride in, known as a hearse. Sucka busta fuckas tryna run they game, but this shit ain't gon' stop. Beekeeper steady sending fools to the mortuary.  Have DoorDash deliver yo last meal to the cemetery. Killin' suckaz and droppin' bustas, makin' them scream in pain until his casket drops. Beekeeper has gone insane on these cheeky tossers.

You remember that scene in Wet Hot American Summer, season 1, episode 4 where the assassin The Falcon beats up the punk kids at the gas station then tells them “You kids stay in school.”, then kills them 4 seconds later? THE BEEKEEPER is kinda like a movie length version of that scene. Early on the Beekeeper claims that he only wants to get revenge on the scumbags who wronged his friend. Then he spends the rest of the movie injuring and killing everybody. Henchmen, FBI agents, Secret Service agents, various random people who just happen to be in the area. It’s awesome. Just violence piled upon violence with very little reason given. Honestly, if the filmmakers were going to go that far over the top I wish they had just gone full psycho and made every single scene even more insane than the previous scene.

As it is though, THE BEEKEEPER is silly as fuck and a lot of fun to laugh at. I’ve done zero research into it and knew literally nothing about it before I watch it, but I’m pretty sure the script (if there even was one) was written by A.I. or just a group of children. It doesn’t even make any sense or even try to make any sense. It’s awesome! Who needs logic or consequences, just have an indestructible dude go bonkers then jump off a cliff and walk into the ocean like Godzilla. The End. My only complaint is the lack of nudity and it wasn’t violent enough. Don’t fuck around, just full send it.

Writing challenge for myself: I’m about to go to the movie theater to see Ghost’s RITE HERE RITE NOW (again...I saw it last night also), but I still have 5 minutes before I need to head out. So, without any previous thinking about it, I’m going to write a BEEKEEPER sequel. Here we go!

Using the same beach as the final scene in the first movie, the Beekeeper walks out of the ocean. Next scene, he’s living on a small farm in Kansas with a kind family. He lives in the barn and tends to their bees. One weekend, the family goes to a local video store to rent THE BEEKEEPER on DVD, they are simple farm folk and don't have blu-ray. A gang of buttheads (that work for a local drug lord) talk shit to the mom and beat up the dad. Beekeeper finds out and spends the next 85 minutes murdering the motherfuckin’ crap out of everybody on the drug lords estate (think the end of COMMANDO). After killing all of the bad guys, the gore-covered Beekeeper hands an autographed copy of THE BEEKEEPER DVD to the family and walks off. Next scene, same beach as first movie, he once again walks into the ocean just like Godzilla. Fin. (haha. My heart is beating from typing so fast. Haha.) A Beekeeper / Jigsaw crossover would be awesome also. Gotta go-goat! I don't want my fangs too long. The moon to the left is a part of my thoughts.

RED DAWN (2012)

"Jesus bless the USAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!"  Oh, hey.  I didn't see you there.  Ever since I watched the RED DAWN remake a few days ago I've been marching around my house singing "God Bless America", saluting my cat, firing off fireworks, eating raw deer meat, drinking organic deer blood, plastering my truck with hundreds of Trump 2028 & NRA stickers, stockpiling millions of bullets and masturbating to Sarah Palin speeches.  I've never felt so patriotic before!

Following opening credits, that borrow heavily from the DAWN OF THE DEAD remake opening credits and tell us that North Korea is bad, we're introduced to our soon-to-be heroes at a Spokane, WA high school football game.  God must have liked the other team better because the Wolverines lose.  Afterwards, the football players rape some drunk chick...oh, wait, this is a fictional movie...I meant to say: they go eat freedom fries at a local hangout then go home and go to bed.  Cue the ominous sound effects and that bbder-der-der-der-der sound from BATTLESHIP, cause here come the North Koreans and they mean business!  But so do our pigskin throwing heroes.  They jump in their American made truck and wreck the shit out of everything on the way out of town.  They group up at a cabin and just one montage scene later they're ready to jihad the fuck out of these foreign buttholes.  Wolverines!!!

I think I've said it before, but I've always thought the purpose of doing a remake was to improve on the original.  The only thing this RED DAWN remake did was dumb it down and add lens flares.  It's not a bad film (I was entertained for the most part), but there was no surprises or standout scenes.  For a modern action movie, it all pretty standard: lots of shooting, lots of explosions, a tank, zero gore, zero blood, zero nudity, reality thrown far out the window, lens flare overdose, machine gun mounted on the top of a Mustang, enemy military so dumb that I'm not sure they manged to even find America let alone invade it, macho talking, "funny" scene with happy music.

The RED DAWN remake is watchable, but also totally forgettable. I wish the filmmakers had gone a much darker and grittier way instead.  If you need me, I'll be in my Y2K shelter praying for a Riverdale / Red Dawn crossover. Or, how about a Smallville / Red Dawn crossover!

Original - Red Dawn (1984)

THE HUNGER GAMES (2012)

I don't know if they'd be considered great literature or not, but the Hunger Games novels were fucking awesome. I read all three in less than a week and part 2 in pretty much one sitting. I couldn't put it down!

The story is set in a future post-America North American country called Panem (yes, it's based on "bread and circuses"). The country is divided into twelve districts (Thirteen was destroyed as an example against rebellion). Here's a rundown of the districts, but let's just save time and say One is the Capital and where all the politicians and ultra-rich live and the other districts are less fortunate. District Twelve, where our young hero Katniss lives, is a dirt poor mining area. She lives in The Seam which is pretty much just shacks surrounded by an electric fence that doesn't work. After her father was killed in a mining accident, her mother mentally checked out and Katniss becomes the sole breadwinner and responsible for raising her little sister, Prim. To do so, she hunts in the woods which are off limits.

Each year, as a soul-crushing reminder, the Capital puts on The Hunger Games. I won't go into all the rules, but two children (one male, one female) from each district are chosen at random to go into a massive arena and fight to the death. Yes, that sounds a lot like BATTLE ROYALE, but BATTLE ROYALE was underwhelming, so who cares? Anyway, shit happens and Katniss ends up in The Hunger Games and it's...alright. The book was great, but the film lacked that emotional element that really made the novel so addictive. Also...the lack of Gale (and other stuff back in The Seam), the relocation of the rooftop scene, the Cinna character was weakened, the changed origin of the mockingjay pin, the pussification of the wolf mutts, the altering of the Rue scene and the reduction of violence hurt the film. I enjoyed it and time flew by, but it wasn't as awesome as it could have been.

My recommendation: devour the first two books, read the third and tolerate that weak ass ending then watch the movie. Here's hoping the second movie is rated R and awesome as fuck. That novel was so action-pack and rad I was twerking around my crib while reading it.

Part 2 - The Hunger Games: Catching Fire (2013)
Part 3 - The Hunger Games: Mockingjay - Part 1 (2014)
Part 4 - The Hunger Games: Mockingjay - Part 2 (2015)
Prequel - The Hunger Games: The Ballad of Songbirds & Snakes (2023)