Tuesday, June 11, 2024

BLOODY MURDER (2000)

At first glance, things might look all hunky-dory over at Camp Placid Pines [insert Camp Flaccid Penis joke here], but they’re not. Nope. No siree Bob. The camp workers (who are prepping the camp for the summer rush) have an invasive serial killer problem. A normal human would probably head for the hills, or in this case, head away from the hills when their co-workers start dropping like flies, but these people seem to be latched in an almost Bunuelian way to the camp. The killings continue.

I’m 100% positive that I wrote a review trashing BLOODY MURDER back when it was a new release. I have no idea where that review is or who I even wrote it for, but just like how I originally hated AX’EM long ago (and now love it), I really enjoyed BLOODY MURDER when I revisited it for this review. I guess some things just get better with age. Like they say, “Older the berry, sweeter the juice.”

So yeah, anyway. BLOODY MURDER isn’t gonna knock any current slasher summer camp classics (like FRIDAY THE 13TH PART VI, THE BURNING or SLEEPAWAY CAMP) off their pedestals, but, as far as entertainment goes, I enjoyed BLOODY MURDER. So much so that I watched it three times! Solid pace, silly kills, awesome late 1990’s fashions, playful acting that made me smile, lots of daylight scenes, zero nudity (sadly), respectable body count, ancient technology, straightforward direction, beautiful scenery, very little blood, zero gore, goofy dialogue that honestly cracked me up (in a good way) at how bad it was.

I’m sure that zero humans will ever read this review, but if in the year 3955 somebody accidentally stumbles across it...you should check out BLOODY MURDER. It’s an endearing and sweet slasher. Almost like the best parts of a Christian-made horror, but without the Jesus stuff. Which, now that I think about, really makes me sad that there probably aren't any hardcore Christian-made horror movies. At least, not from the 1990’s. That sucks. God, that would be the best! Just imagine some Mike Warnke-level comedy hijinks mixed with a summer Bible Camp slasher film…that’s rated G and has a Christian message and a grainy picture.  Oh God, could there be anything better? There might not be a Heaven in real life, but my handsome brain is there right now.

Part 2 - Bloody Murder 2 (2003)

Sunday, June 9, 2024

INTO THE ABYSS (2022)

Aliens have landed and things have turned to crap.  Lone survivor Bannon wanders aimlessly around a large city.  Rain falls and massive slow-moving crab-like monsters can been seen walking in the darkened skyline.  Down at the street level, there are human-sized creatures picking through the rubble looking for survivors.  I don’t think it ever says what Bannon did before the fall of humanity, but since he’s an idiot and completely clueless about pretty much everything, I can only guess that he was in middle management.  How this doofus lived this long is a mystery, cause when we’re introduced to him he’s bumbling around alleys and empty buildings making so much racket that you would think he was trying to get discovered.  After many minutes of this nap-inducing excitement Bannon finds a walkie-talkie.  Somehow forgetting that 100% of humanity is populated by lying, backstabbing monsters he calls out for help.  I’m sure that will turn out well for him.

The artwork on the DVD cover for INTO THE ABYSS is dope as fuck.  Unfortunately, the film doesn’t even deliver 0.666% of the awesomeness promised by that artwork.  Slow pace, boring smaller monsters that never brought a ruckus, zero interaction at all with the larger creatures, lots of dark scenes, disappointing ending, very little action, lots of talking, lots of bad decisions, zero gore, a few surreal touches (he backwards running man, the crusty-looking shaman dude in the woods) that I did enjoy.  It’s easy to see that director Matías Xavier Rispau has talent, he just needs to find a better script.

INTO THE ABYSS is watchable, but the 104 minutes you would spend watching this film would be better spent watching the first few episodes of the 2019 series “War of the Worlds” or playing Generation Zero (solo on Guerrilla difficulty) or reading Robert McCammon’s “The Border”.

Wednesday, June 5, 2024

THE JACK IN THE BOX RISES (2024)

The last time we saw our old buddy Jack in the Box, at the end of Part 2, he was scampering around a secluded country estate with an old zombie woman.  I guess that didn’t turn out too well because now the estate has been converted into an exclusive girls’ school and Jack is locked away (yet again) in his box.  Boring shit happens and eventually Jack is released to perform the same ol’ boring routine of having his head drooped down, then slowly rise as he impersonates a drowning velociraptor before killing the frozen-in-fear victim in different boring ways.  So, in other words: it’s the same ol’ shit as the last two films.  I like the Jack in the Box story and despite all three of the films in this series being lame, I really do think there is a lot of potential for the Jack in the Box character.  I just wish he would break out of his shell and do something cool for once.  Come on, Jack!  We all got faith in you!

Dim lighting, uninspired kills, the same (underused) location as the last film, overly complicated story, zero nudity, zero gore, low amount of violence, barely passable acting, average pace, weak direction, muted colours, poor casting, disappointing ending, below average camerawork, zero cheerleaders.

Honestly, THE JACK IN THE BOX RISES is a 4/10 at best, but yet, I still like this series.  I can see the potential of the idea…that hasn’t yet made it to the screen.  Maybe one day.  Hell, I'd be happy with a hateful and sick The Jack in the Box novel.

Part 1 – The Jack in the Box (2019)
Part 2 – The Jack in the Box: Awakening (2022)