Sunday, September 16, 2012

THE LOVED ONES (2009)

"Bring the hammer, Daddy."

The film opens with high school student Brent being asked to the prom by fellow student Lola. He replies sorry, he's going with his girlfriend. Wrong answer. The correct answer would have been to punch her in the face, dropkick her fourteen times, spray a full bottle of mace into her eyeballs and then put her in the Von Erich Iron Claw until the coppers shows up, cause that bitch is fucking cray. Later that afternoon, while walking over to his girlfriend's house, Brent is knocked out and wakes up tied to a chair sitting across the table from Lola and her father. The first thing they do is inject Drano into his neck to prevent him from screaming. It only gets worse off from there. Much worse.

THE LOVED ONES isn't the most original film ever, but what it lacks in originality and budget it makes up for in style and energetic actors, especially the chick who played Lola. She runs the full gambit of emotions in some of these scenes from shy to crazy to sad to angry to full-blown meltdown and back again. It's pretty impressive. She's still not as crazy as the scissor woman from INSIDE, but I damn sure wouldn't want to mess with her...except for maybe in the sack. Mmmm! She's like a mixed up version of a child beauty pageant mother and Chop-Top from TCM2.

If you like these types of films then check it out. I thought it was a lot of fun, even though I wish the story was fleshed out a little more.

Friday, September 14, 2012

PIRANHA 3DD (2012)

First off this movie is only 70 minutes long. I don't even know if that's a complaint or a complement because by the time that 70th minute rolled around I was damn sure happy when the credits started rolling...for 13 minutes!!! The padded (with bloopers) end credits stretched out the total runtime to 83 minutes, but it felt like 3 hours.

The movie opens with a dead cow in the water, piranha eggs pop out of it's pussy...why?! Why am I wasting my time with this junk when I have a whole stack of Kurosawa and Ozu movies over here? I hate myself and my morbid curiosity...anyway, cow pussy. You gotta dead cow, it's gotta dead cow pussy and out of this dead cow pussy pops piranha eggs. The piranhas promptly go to a nearby water park and eat a bunch of people. Some ugly chicks get topless. David Hasselhoff shows up. The End.

The story, what there is of it, concerns a girl (Danielle Panabaker) bickering with her stepfather about him opening up an adult themed water park and her friends who work at the water park, including a nerd who is secretly in love with her. Yawn. The story is junk, the violence is garbage, the jokes are beyond lame, the nudity wasn't even worth me taking screenshots of and the acting is barely one step above a Troma movie.

The only reason I can think of to watch this stinker is Danielle Panabaker is attractive.  Other than that skip it with a vengeance and never look back.

Part 1 - Piranha (1978)

Part 2 - Piranha II: The Spawning (1981)
Remake - Piranha (1995)