FRENCH QUARTER (1978)

A poor country girl heads to New Orleans.  Lost and penniless in the big city, she takes up a job as a stripper, but then when she drinks some tea given to her by a voodoo woman she falls asleep and wakes up/dreams that she's actually a prostitute living in 19th century New Orleans.

In the right hands that lame story idea could be turned into something entertaining, but unfortunately, instead of simply making it a light sex comedy the filmmakers for some reason decided to make FRENCH QUARTER a mostly serious film about a dim-witted chick involved with sex slave trafficking.  The next poor decision they made was filming the entire "back in time" section (the majority of the movie) with what looks to be Vaseline smeared on the edges of the camera lens.  I'm assuming this is to give it some kind of dreamy feel and that would've been okay for a few seconds but 75 minutes is just ridiculous.

The acting was alright (I have absolutely no idea how Virginia Mayo got involved with this mess), but like I said...this should have been a comedy instead of a serious film.  I'm sure there are people out there who like this movie, but I found the whole thing to be very slow and ultimately pointless.  Skip it. 

There was some lackluster nudity if anybody cares.

A HOLE IN THE HEAD (1959)

In what universe was this film even set?!  Full-time loser Frank Sinatra runs a hotel in Miami Beach that somehow doesn't make any money.  He hasn't paid his rent in over 5 months or even paid his employees in 5 weeks(!!!), but instead of trying to get some cash together he's out partying like it's 1999.  A closet full of "$200 suits", dancing at clubs, driving around drunk in his shiny Cadillac convertible with a sloshed beatnik bimbo in his lap.  Oh yeah, he also has an 11-year-old son that seems to pretty much raise himself.  The film opens with Frank finishing up a long night of partying, he comes in at 4 a.m. to find his kid holding an eviction notice.  So what does he do?  Nothing.  Just goes crying to his older brother, Edward G. Robinson, about needing some money.  After a short eternity of pointless talking, Robinson finally agrees to give him some dough if Frank will agree to marry sexy and sweet Eleanor Parker and run a department store that Robinson owns!!!  The story just goes on and on like this until the inevitable happy ending.  It's terrible.

Fantastic cast (except for that annoying little kid), talented director, costume design by Edith Head, nice photography...I was really hoping to like this movie, but holy fook that story was horrendous!!!  It seemed like every single decision that Sinatra made was bad.  How did so many talented people sign up for this hokum?

Negatives aside, I did enjoy watching Edward G. Robinson and Thelma Ritter.  The Miami locations were cool too.  I was also interested in Carolyn Jones' beatnik character with her blue nail polish, bongos and free spirit.  Kinda unique for a mainstream movie from 1959.

THE STONED AGE (1994)

Two teenagers, Joe and Hubbs, just wanna get drunk, stoned and laid.  Problem is all they got is an half bottle of Peppermint Schnapps, a little bit of skunk weed and no babes.  But their luck turns around when they hear about two hot chicks from up north who are staying across from "the Frankie Avalon place".  Problem is a bunch of other dudes have heard about them also.  So now they gotta get over there quick and make their move before anybody else tries to Bogart their babes.

THE STONED AGE is not a deep movie or just a straight up T&A sex comedy (although there is some nudity).  It's more of a wild night coming of age comedy set in the late 70's.  Both Joe and Hubbs are likable fellows who create an interesting dynamic together.  The girls, Jill and Lanie, are interesting also...come to think of it everybody in the movie is interesting.  There's really not any truly dislikable characters.  Well, Jill's father is a dick, but he did kick a bunch of dudes in the balls and double headbutt two guys at once so there's that.

Quick pace, low-budget that works well with the story, good acting, likable cops ("You kids probably think I'm a real butthead. You think I didn't want to sneak into some girl's house when I was your age? Hell... they used to call me 'Doggy Door' Dean."), insanity on your potato, a floating eyeball, massive upper body strength, Ox 45, an awesome soundtrack featuring Black Sabbath, Blue Oyster Cult, Foghat, Deep Purple, etc. and a ending that makes you wish the movie wasn't over.  Recommended for cool dudes.