PIRANHA (2010)

[Update 04/18/2023: Need rewatch this film and redo this review completely. Fix the screenshots also.]

Sheriff Elizabeth Shue discovers that a bunch of killer piranhas are headed right for the drunken Spring Breakers that are infesting her town. Instead of making the world a better place and not telling anyone, but she does the evil thing and warns them. Naturally they don't listen and soon get eaten.

I really expected this movie to take the dick and suck it, but it was actually pretty entertaining. Not entertaining enough that I would ever want to watch it again, but I got some good laughs out of it. Also Kelly Brook is extraordinarily beautiful, but yet her nude scene totally sucked! She has one of the hottest bodies on the planet, but for whatever reason, maybe the 3D bullshit, her naked body looked all cartoony to the point that I couldn't even tell if it was real or not. And that happened a lot with this movie. Nearly all of the gore and blood scenes looked CGI but when you watch the extras you see that they're actually not! It was really weird. I know this is just a cheesy killer fish movie, but really wish the filmmakers would have concentrated more on writing an original script and using real special effects instead of trying to look slick. The movie is fun, but the script is garbage. It's like the scriptwriters had a slumber party and watched JAWS, JAWS 2, EIGHT LEGGED FREAKS, the original PIRANHA and just mash it all together with a dash of "Girls Gone Wild" parody. It's crap, but I guess the target audience really doesn't care. Hopefully Part 2 has an better story, more gore and more action.

Nice amount of tits, tons of crappy looking CGI, really horrible rap and techno bullshit, a bunch of really good actors in supporting roles, Elisabeth Shue looking old!, crushed head, chick's hair stuck in boat propeller, roaring piranhas, blood all over the place with lots of gnawed up limbs. Definitely a fun rent, but that's about it.

Best scene in the movie: during the main attack scene a dude says fuck this shit, jumps in a boat and just starts running people over! It was hilarious.

Part 1 - Piranha (1978)
Part 2 - Piranha II: The Spawning (1981)

Remake - Piranha (1995)

Reboot 2 - Piranha 3DD (2012)

Is this a nod to the famous TITANIC shot?

THE JAPANESE WIFE NEXT DOOR PART 2 (2004)

[Update 02/21/2021: need to redo this entire review and fix the screenshots.]

Not as good as Part 1. I still liked the film, but it was much darker and not as sexy as the original. A lot of that unsexiness is due to Reiko Yamaguchi only having a minor role. She was so energetic and seductive in Part 1 you just wanted some of that "tit-fucking" she kept talking about! It makes sense with the story that she only has a minor role, but I still really missed her.

Just like in the original, our lead character meets two different girls at a company mixer at the beginning of the film. In the original, he hooks up with Reiko and his life is turned into a living Hell (but at least it was a funny living Hell to the audience), in this one he hooks up with the other girl and things take a much more sinister turn very quickly. There were a few genuinely creepy moments (the way his wife approached the bed at 34:15 and the bloody anal rape scene) that made me think fondly of Takashi Miike in his prime, but overall it just didn't get creepy enough. I would have preferred if the film had been a comedy like the first one, but if you're going to go the creepy route instead then, that's fine, but go all the way! My biggest complaint though is the new girls in this one didn't have near the same screen presence that Reiko Yamaguchi did. Compared to her they were all boring. She did have one sex scene though.

One highlight, at least for me, was the short video interview with composer Hitomi Oba in the extras. I enjoyed her a lot in the audio commentary to the first film and was really happy to see her interviewed here. There's just something about her that I find interesting. Hopefully we'll get a longer interview in the future.

Lots of tits, zero eroticism, male enema scene, male anal rape scene, one chick with a pimple on her butt. Definitely worth a watch if you've seen Part 1, but nothing to get overly excited about.

Part 1 - The Japanese Wife Next Door (2004)

THE MEMORY OF A KILLER (2003)

A professional hitman (played by Jan Decleir from CHARACTER) is hired to kill some people, but when he realizes that the people who hired him are child rapists he starts hunting them instead. Naturally the cops get involved when prominent citizens start dropping like flies. Interesting concept, but poor execution: too long, music video stylizing, predictable story.

I had high hopes for this movie since I enjoyed Decleir so much in CHARACTER, but this movie is weak and only gets weaker as it goes along. Skip it. I would really like to see a hardcore, gritty remake.

TERROR IN THE AISLES (1984)

[Update 10/25/2021: Need to redo this review completely. Fix the screenshots also.]

Donald Pleasence and Nancy Allen, while sitting in a theater full of annoying dorks, narrate over a bunch of horror/thriller movie clips. Despite the movie selection being all from mainstream stuff TERROR IN THE AISLES is a quick and fun introduction to pre-1984 horror.  Most of the movies selected are exactly what you would expect (THE TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE, HALLOWEEN, THE EXORCIST), but there's a few oddballs that make no sense: NIGHTHAWKS, FAHRENHEIT 451, MIDNIGHT EXPRESS and TO CATCH A THIEF. What the hell?

If you're a horror fan then it's worth checking out. The actual stuff shown in the theater probably takes up less than 5 minutes, but the clips are a fun trip down memory lane.

Update: TERROR IN THE AISLES is now available as an extra on the beautiful HALLOWEEN II Blu-Ray!