CROCODILE DUNDEE (1986)

“G’day, shithead! Let’s throw a chimp on the Barbie!” Wonder how many “g’day” jokes were made back in the Fall of 1986? I’m guessing at least three-fiddy. CROCODILE DUNDEE is probably forgotten about nowadays, but it was a huge fucking hit way back in ye olde 1986. It was a much simpler time and Americans simply could not get enough of that handsome Paul Hogan. Old women were probably ripping off their dicks and pulling out their teeth to pawn for cornbread that they could then sell to earn just enough money to buy a ticket to see ol’ Paul in all his glory up on the big screen. Golden tan glistening under that hot, sexy Australian sun. Mmm-mmm-mmm. My handsome loins are heating up just thinking about it!

So…does CROCODILE DUNDEE stand up to the test of time? Nope, it wasn't even that good back in '86. I remember watching it (as a kid) on VHS and enjoying it, but it definitely wasn’t in my regular rotation of movies from the time like ALIENS, LABYRINTH or BACK TO THE FUTURE. Watching it again now, it has a few mildly humorous moments, but it’s seriously dated.

Newspaper reporter Linda Kozlowski is in Australia finishing up an assignment when she hears a wild story about a man who’s viciously attacked by a crocodile and then crawls ten million miles back to civilization. She goes off in search of this rugged hero. She finds him…taking a smoko in a bar and with nothing more than just a medium-sized scar on his otherwise sexy, golden, tone, sweaty, toight as a tiger body. I’m sure you can guess the rest. That’s right, he drapes a fresh kangaroo carcass over himself and then attacks some drunken assholes. Crikey! Naturally, this city slicker cannot resist the appeal of this backwoods stud and decides to bring him back to New York City to meet her boyfriend, who happens to also be her editor and a part-time James Spader impersonator. The film tries its hardest to make the boyfriend out to be an evil shitbag, but outside of being an arrogant, egotistical, self-centered yuppie douche pile of shit...he’s not so bad. Anyway, shit happens and before you can say “Nah fuck you, fuck you, nah fuck you, nah fuck you.“, Dundee is sexually assaulting a trans woman in a bar and then laughing about it with all his new drunk pals. He then beats up a pimp while his limo driver (Reginald VelJohnson from DIE HARD) uses one of those old car television antennas as a boomerang.

Good pace, absolutely illogical story that only makes sense as a movie, Dundee assaulting at least 20 people (by either shooting at them, punching them, sexually assaulting them or stepping on their heads), beautiful Australian scenery and interesting New York City street scenes, MAXIE and JAGGED EDGE on a movie marquee, a vintage Twisted Sister t-shirt, an Iron Maiden "Powerslave" shirt, one painfully horrible scene that implies humans actually care about one another (hint: they don't), Dundee kissing a man without his permission, Dundee grabbing an older woman between the legs without her permission, Dundee teaching a dude how to do cocaine, zero nudity, average camerawork, bland direction, good cast.

It’s fun to talk shit about CROCODILE DUNDEE, but in reality it’s not a bad film. Hogan does a fair dinkum job of capturing the Dundee character and the film is totally watchable. Although, the bar scene with the trans woman was in bad taste and the use of the “f” word was completely unnecessary.

It's funny to think that the script for CROCODILE DUNDEE was actually nominated for an Academy Award! It lost to HANNAH AND HER SISTERS, which is a masterpiece that I cannot recommend enough. It has an organic quality. Entirely interdependent, if you know what I mean. I can't put it into words. The important thing is, it breathes. An epiphany of the soul!

Part 2 - Crocodile Dundee II (1988)
Part 3 - Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles (2001)
Part 4 - The Very Excellent Mr. Dundee (2020)

THE HORROR AT 37,000 FEET (1973)

"There's never been any shortage of idiot things to believe in..."

I don't often travel on international airline flights that are attacked by pre-Christian, ancient Druid evil spirits, but when I do, I make sure that it's with a group of passengers who immediately accept what's happening and resort to lighting fires and human sacrifice!

Clocking in at a blazing 73-minute runtime, THE HORROR AT 37,000 FEET (or TH@37k as it's called in the 'hood) says "Eat a bowl of fuck!" to a slow build-up and gets right to it.  A small group of passengers board a commercial airplane and immediately get to what normal people do on long airplane flights: playing a guitar out of tune, smoking cigarettes and openly drinking out of a private flask.  The Druid ghost (or ghosts), trapped in a sacrificial altar down the lonely cargo hold, doesn't take kindly to not being invited to the party and start bringing the ruckus.  And by "ruckus", I mean, lowering the air conditioner temp down a little bit and ripping a hole in the carpet.  There's also a monk dude wandering around in the galley, but don't mind him much.  He's just looking for some Doritos.

Lame jokes aside, THE HORROR AT 37,000 FEET was a lot of fun.  I love old made-for-TV movies (and airplane-themed disaster movies) and had a blast watching this one.  Extremely quick pace, awesome lighting, really cool sound effects, dope as fuck cast, plot holes and reality just kicked right in the balls and sacrificed to the gods of entertainment, a frozen dog, demonic mold growing on the walls, a large Louis Vuitton bag with the letters upside-down on one side (I was curious about that, so I Googled it and it's due to them using one continuous piece of leather), a possessed woman talking shit in Latin, Jed Clampett yelling at people, a phantom clerical collar popping up for a few seconds.  Anybody who loves cheesy vintage horror movies should check it out.  I'd watch it again in a heartbeat.

It's kinda strange thinking that this film actually aired 10 months (Feb.13, 1973) before THE EXORCIST hit theaters (Dec. 26, 1973)...but, of course, long after the novel became a best seller in 1971. AIRPORT was also #2 at the U.S. box office in 1970.

[Comment outside of the review: in one scene, one of the pilots states "In the last VOR, we're covering ground about like a lady bicycle rider." In the scene, they're talking about how the plane isn't traveling as fast as they had expected so I understand that's just a way of saying "slow", but still...what a bizarre, shitty and sexist way to phrase it!]