THE CURSE OF THE JADE SCORPION (2001)

1940, New York City.  Woody Allen is an insurance investigator who has an outstanding success rate thanks to his numerous underworld connections and his ability to "think like a criminal". His glory days might be coming to an end though when the insurance company he works for hires an efficiency expert (Helen Hunt) to streamline the office.  She's even considering getting rid of the investigation division altogether! Allen tries to talk to Hunt, but it's of no used because all they do is end up trading insults.

One evening, some employees go to a nightclub, where there's a hypnotist act as part of the floor show, to celebrate a co-worker's birthday (and Allen's recovery of a stolen Picasso).  Allen and Hunt are selected as volunteers for the hypnotist (with hilarious results), but the hypnotist (David Ogden Stiers) has more sinister motives.  Later that night, Allen receives a telephone call at his apartment from the hypnotist who puts him back under hypnosis and orders him to use his insurance company knowledge to break into a customers mansion and steal their jewelry.  The next day, Briggs is called in to investigate the crime he doesn't even know he committed!

I love THE CURSE OF THE JADE SCORPION and have watched it dozens of times over the years.  Although I usually turn it off about 3/4 of the way through, because the ending isn't that great...but the first half of the movie is hilarious!  The script is almost nothing but one-liners and witty remarks that are fired off so quickly that you'll have to watch the film multiple times to catch them all.

Beautiful set design, awesome looking 1940's clothing (some of the women's dresses were amazing!), strong acting by an impressive cast, quick pace, fantastic music that really sets the mood.  Highly recommended.

Would make a great double-feature with SMALL TIME CROOKS.

NEON MANIACS (1986)

As far as I can tell (and I'm really guessing here since the filmmakers did such a poor job of storytelling), a PHANTASM-like portal to another dimension and/or planet has opened up in an abandoned storage garage near the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco.  Out of this portal emerges a bunch of freaky mutants who look like rejects from other horror movies.  They also have their own trading cards!  What?!  Anyway, so the mutants go around killing random people while one-eyed alligator creatures with meat hooks drag off the corpses.  A lone teenage girl survives an attack by the monsters, but the police don't believe her, so now it's up to her and two high school classmates to defeat these "neon maniacs"!  Oh yeah, there's also a battle of the bands contest to win.  And a date to go on.  And some sunbathing to do.  A midnight swim to take.  Groceries to deliver.  And, in a move right out of the James Bond playbook (in ON HER MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE)...stop to have offscreen sex while being chased by the bad guys!

When I sat down to enjoy NEON MANIACS I was expecting a mile-a-minute low budget gorefest like THE ABOMINATION, but instead the entire movie moved along at a slow pace with only a few poorly filmed action moments sprinkled in to liven things up.  That's not saying it's a bad film...it's more like a disjointed mess hampered by budget issues.  That said, I still liked NEON MANIACS.  Medium pace, goofy creatures that made no sense, unexplained story that made very little sense, very little blood, average acting, nice California scenery (I'm guessing San Francisco and Los Angeles), that one girl from FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 2, cheesy 80's songs during the battle of the bands segment, completely illogical actions by the main characters, stupid ending and zero explanation as to the meaning of the title.

Most people would probably dismiss NEON MANIACS as a piece of shit, but it had a certain goofy charm that won me over...but not enough that I would want to watch it again anytime soon.