ON HER MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE (1969)

Oh my god.  It's been a few years since my last James Bond review and I had thought that I was ready to start them up again, but holy snail pussy this movie was slow.  It took me four attempts to make it through the entire thing.  I am not a James Bond fan, but I had hopes when I started this endeavor that I would be persuaded otherwise.  That's not the case so far.

The story this time (featuring a new guy as Bond) is about a crime syndicate boss who offers Bond a million smackers to marry his daughter.  Suddenly, Bond is in the Swiss Alps going undercover at a allergy clinic that's actually a chemical warfare laboratory.  Then Telly Savalas drives by on a bobsled.  The End.

The running time was 142 and I felt every...single...minute.  This new Bond is bland and the exceedingly slow story gives him nothing to work with.  At one point, Bond is on the run from a bunch of dudes with machine guns.  He's skiing down a mountain with them shooting at him then he randomly meets the gangster's daughter in the middle of a festival so they drive through a car race (the bad guys are still shooting at him!), find a barn, make love(!!!) then continue running from the the bad guys who are still shooting at him!!!!!  Really???  I understand that the Bond series is not to be taken as reality, but c'mon!  Even worse is he didn't have any gadgets! 

I'm going to continue with the series, but Christ this entry really took it out of me.  Oh yeah...if you look quickly you'll see actual female nipples in this scene.  How did that get by the censors?!

Half a Thunderball out of five.

Part 1 - Dr. No (1962)
Part 2 - From Russia With Love (1963)
Part 3 - Goldfinger (1964)
Part 4 - Thunderball (1965)
Part 5 - You Only Live Twice (1967)
Part 7 - Diamonds Are Forever (1971)
Part 8 - Live and Let Die (1973)
Part 9 - The Man with the Golden Gun (1974)
Part 10 - The Spy Who Loved Me (1977)
Part 11 - Moonraker (1979)
Part 12 - For Your Eyes Only (1981)
Part 13 - Octopussy (1983)
Part 14 - A View to a Kill (1985)
Part 15 - The Living Daylights (1987)
Part 16 - Licence to Kill (1989)
Part 17 - GoldenEye (1995)
Part 18 - Tomorrow Never Dies (1997)
Part 19 - The World Is Not Enough (1999)
Part 20 - Die Another Day (2002)
Part 21 - Casino Royale (2006)
Part 22 - Quantum of Solace (2008)
Part 23 - Skyfall (2012)
Part 24 - Spectre (2015)
Part 25 - No Time to Die (2021)

Non-Eon James Bond films:
Casino Royale (1967)
Never Say Never (1983)