Sunday, April 26, 2015

ON HER MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE (1969)

Oh my god.  It's been a few years since my last James Bond review and I had thought that I was ready to start them up again, but holy shit this movie was slow!  It took me four attempts to make it through the entire thing.  I am not a James Bond fan, but I had hopes when I started this endeavor that I would be persuaded otherwise.  That's not the case so far.

The story this time (featuring a new guy as Bond) is about a crime syndicate boss who offers Bond a million smackers to marry his daughter.  Suddenly, Bond is in the Swiss Alps going undercover at a allergy clinic that's actually a chemical warfare laboratory.  Then Telly Savalas drives by on a bobsled.  The End.

The running time was 142 and I felt every...single...minute.  This new Bond is bland and the exceedingly slow story gives him nothing to work with.  At one point, Bond is on the run from a bunch of dudes with machine guns.  He's skiing down a mountain with them shooting at him then he randomly meets the gangster's daughter in the middle of a festival so they drive through a car race (the bad guys are still shooting at him!), find a barn, make love(!!!) then continue running from the the bad guys who are still shooting at him!!!!!  Really???  I understand that the Bond series is not to be taken as reality, but c'mon!  Even worse is he didn't have any gadgets! 

I'm going to continue with the series, but Christ this entry really took it out of me.  Oh yeah!  If you look quickly you'll see actual female nipples in this scene.  How did that get by the censors?!

Half a Thunderball out of five.

Part 1 - Dr. No
Part 2 - From Russia With Love
Part 3 - Goldfinger
Part 4 - Thunderball
Part 5 - You Only Live Twice
Part 7 - Diamonds Are Forever
Part 8 - Live and Let Die
Part 9 - The Man with the Golden Gun
Part 10 - The Spy Who Loved Me
Part 11 - Moonraker
Part 12 - For Your Eyes Only
Part 13 - Octopussy
Part 14 - Never Say Never Again
Part 15 - A View to a Kill
Part 16 - The Living Daylights
Part 17 - License to Kill
Part 18 - GoldenEye
Part 19 - Tomorrow Never Dies
Part 20 - The World Is Not Enough
Part 21 - Die Another Day
Part 22 - Casino Royale
Part 23 - Quantum of Solace
Part 24 - Skyfall
Part 25 - Spectre