THE CHILLING (1989)

Linda Blair works at a cryogenics laboratory. Dan Haggerty is their security guard. Forty-two minutes later, tinfoil wrapped zombies show up and boringly chase everybody around for the remainder of the movie. That's about it. It's not entertaining.  Everything is too dark, the budget was probably below $20,000 and one doctor had a giant sword in his office. You think all of that would add up to be a perfect recipe for a movie so bad it's good, but no. Outside of a few funny Dan Haggerty moments the entire movie was pretty tiresome.

The one highlight was towards the beginning when three bank robbers storm into a bank and start screaming at people. All the customers/workers are cowering in fear, when suddenly the armored truck guys barge in and yell for everybody to get on the floor. Immediately this one guy jumps up and announces loudly "I'm outta hear!" then bolts for the door. A bank robber shoots him in the back and the dude yells like he just jumped on a bicycle with no seat. "ACK!" He then grabs his back like an infomercial actor and falls down.  It was really funny.

Only for hardcore horror masochists and fans of wooden acting and badly written dialogue.

WHITE VALENTINE (1999)

As a teenager Ji-hyun Jun somehow (it's never explained) becomes pen pals with a soldier. He comes to visit her, but since she lied and said she was a older woman she chickens out. The correspondence stops.

Years later she's 20 and the man has moved to her town. He opens a bird store and by chance his favorite pigeon gets loose and lands on Ji-hyun's window. She doesn't know it belongs to him and slips a message in the pigeon's message holder and lets it go. It flies back to him. That is the start of their second relationship and you would think that might tell these fuckers they were meant to be together, but instead the movie just goes on and on without either one putting two and two together and hooking up. It was very frustrating.

Another thing I found irritating was the lack of close-ups on Ji-hyun Jun.  Yea, she might not be a star yet, but she's the lead in the film, so you'd think the director would fucking put two and two together himself and get some fucking close-ups! Grrrr.

Nice movie, but it left a lot to be desired. Worth watching if you like romantic movies, but don't expect too much.

THE FORBIDDEN LEGEND: SEX & CHOPSTICKS (2008)

"She had sixty orgasms, and I ejaculated eight times."

In the tradition of Category III hits like SEX AND ZEN and CHINESE TORTURE CHAMBER STORY cums THE FORBIDDEN LEGEND: SEX & CHOPSTICKS.

There's not a lot of story here (as a young teenager Simon Quig's father, a famous sexologist, began training his son in the art of the Iron Dick and also how to seduce and outsmart females. As an adult he goes around searching for the most beautiful women in the land to have sex with), but what makes SEX & CHOPSTICKS so much fun is it knows exactly who it's audience is and gives us exactly what we want: sex, tits, fighting and funny stuff. I'm usually pretty bored with most softcore skin movies, but I was laughing my ass off with this movie and the sex scenes were actually pretty goddamn hot!

Beautiful women and humor are the two main attractions here and both are home runs. When Simon was a teenager his father wouldn't allow him to have sex until he'd mastered the Iron Dick, so that means Simon was handlin' it nonstop. One time he busted a nut in school, it shot on the floor and his teacher slipped and fell on the floor causing a tit to pop out! Later on Simon is kidnapped by bandits and has a kung-fu sex duel the female leader to earn his freedom and the part that had me laughing out loud the most is since Simon has mastered the technique of the Iron Dick if anybody kicks him in the nuts they'll break their foot on his rock hard unit, but his servant is just a normal dude and for whatever reason he's constantly getting kicked in the nuts!  It was hilarious. The best part is whenever the servant gets kicked, you hear the bird twittering/whistling sound effect, but when Simon gets kicked you'd hear a loud metallic *clank!* sound. Goddamn, that had me rolling.

As far as the women goes there wasn't a bad one in the bunch.  They were all knockouts. I especially enjoyed his private tutor (Kaera Uehara) who has one of the hottest bodies around. The bald monk was also hot as hell and I think her sex scene was my favorite.

As far as softcore goes, THE FORBIDDEN LEGEND: SEX & CHOPSTICKS has it all: entertaining story, great sex scenes, some short but enjoyable fight scenes and humor that's actually funny. Check it out. I can't wait to see Part 2!

Also, did you know that if your lover is on the verge of death you can stick some acupuncture needles in her right nipple area and she will be restored to full health just long enough to have one last solid fuck session? It's true!

Part 2 - The Forbidden Legend: Sex & Chopsticks 2 (2009)

HEAVEN'S SOLDIERS (2005)

Those soldiers in THE FINAL COUNTDOWN were pussies! They only went back 39 years, the dudes (and chick) in HEAVEN'S SOLDIERS go back 433 years! Sadly, more years doesn't equal better movie.

North Korea makes a nuclear warhead and agrees to hand it over to America. A North Korean officer is unhappy with this decision, so with a small group of dedicated soldiers, he steals it. Hot on his tail is a group of South Korean commandos. Right when they catch up and start fighting a comet flies overhead and instantly transports them back to the year 1572. Why not?

Now in a hostile time period the two groups combine forces to figure out what the fuck is going on. The soldiers encounter a young man named Yi Sun-sin (according to Wikipedia he was a great military commander who lead Korean forces to victory against the invading Japanese military 23 times!). When the future soldiers meet him though his just a young aimless dude, but then they find out his identity and vow to protect him no matter what.

That's an OK story, but still I didn't like the movie. The entire thing is just too predictable and boring. Even worse is it looks like shit. I've seen TV shows with better CGI and special effects. The script is already weak to begin with and then the cheesy FX just took me completely out of the story. Skip it.

ROAD GAMES (1981)

[Update 03/30/2022: Need rewatch this film and redo this review completely. Fix the screenshots also.]

CAPTAIN BLOOD (1935)

Ahoy! Let's mate. I read in a book that pirates would sometimes hold a captive still, make an incision in his torso and pull out a little bit of the person's intestines then nail the intestine piece to the mast and then chase the poor guy around with a burning poker which would end up forcing the guy to disembowel himself. Nothing like that happened in CAPTAIN BLOOD, but one guy got branded on the face and another got a big hook in the back. For 1935 that's pretty hardcore. I guess.

Errol Flynn is Peter Blood, a doctor living a peaceful life in England when he's called out to help an injured man. The man is a rebel and since Blood was helping him he's arrested and sentenced to death. Right before has date with the hangman he and his fellow prisoners have their sentences reduced from death to being sold as slaves in the Jamaica colony.  Wow, thanks.

Once there, Blood and his pals are sold to an asshole who works the shit out of them on his plantation. All kinds of stuff happens and eventually they escape and steal a large Spanish ship which they use to run around all over the Caribbean robbing people and doing pirate stuff.

This movie was entertaining. I don't know how much it would hold up to repeat viewings, but for the one time I watched it I enjoyed it. Errol and Olivia were great, but Errol's men got on my nerves with their silly babel and comic relief. Other than that this was a pretty action-packed movie and a fun watch for classic movie fans.