JURASSIC PARK III (2001)

The island of Isla Sorna has been declared a restricted area and Dr. Alan Grant (Sam Neill) has no intention of ever going there (remember the original film was set on Isla Nublar), but stuff happens and before you can say "Do dinosaurs have ballsacks?" he's once again frolicking among the dinosaurs. And by frolicking, I mean running in absolute terror for his friggin' life!

Along for the terror are William H. Macy and Tea Leoni as two parents in search of their teenage son who disappeared on Isla Sorna eight weeks ago. For the rest of the movie, it's just them and Dr. Grant running around like crazy with dinosaurs snapping at their butt cheeks the entire time. On top of the T-Rex and the raptors from the earlier films we now have a pissed off Spinosaurus and some flying Pteranodons! Oh crap.  Hold on to your buttholes.

Despite Tea Leoni and William H. Macy's matching haircuts, I really liked this movie and thought it was a fun ride. My favorite scenes are the discovery in the lab and the birdcage. After all the darkness and story overload of the second film, it was nice to get back to a fun and simple chase movie. Also, having Sam Neill back was awesome! He's a great reluctant hero.  Recommended.

Part 1 - Jurassic Park (1993)
Part 2 - The Lost World: Jurassic Park (1997)
Part 4 - Jurassic World (2015)
Part 5 - Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (2018)
Part 6 - Jurassic World: Dominion (2021)

THE LOST WORLD: JURASSIC PARK (1997)

I saw this opening weekend at the theater and I was disappointed. I watched it again just now (in 2020) for this review and...I'm still disappointed. The original was magical and fresh and exciting. Part 2, eh, it's kinda lame. Even with a dinosaur running around tearing up shit in San Diego (for like 5 minutes), it's still a yawner.

Four years after the original film, the billionaire creator of the dinosaur island tells Jeff Goldblum that there's a second island full of dinosaurs and that Jeff's girlfriend is already there! How would you not know that your girlfriend has left the goddamn country?! So anyway, Goldblum and his daughter go to the island. Stuff happens and I didn't give a single shit about any of it.  There is a lot of action in TLW:JP, but the entire film is still amazingly boring.  Way too much action happens at night time, the story is just straight up dumb, Goldblum's daughter uses gymnastics to kick a raptor that's like three times her size, the crew of the boat all die without any explanation as to how, Jeff looks through some binoculars backwards, strong cast with not much to do.

Based solely on entertainment value, it's passable. But compared to the original it's pretty much a big pile of shit. The raptors are still cool though.

If you need me, I'll be in my room watching Tom Hanks in Tsunami Sunrise. 

Part 1 - Jurassic Park (1993)
Part 3 - Jurassic Park III (2001)
Part 4 - Jurassic World (2015)
Part 5 - Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (2018)
Part 6 - Jurassic World: Dominion (2021)

Jeff looking through the binoculars backwards.

CHROMESKULL: LAID TO REST 2 (2011)

Starting immediately where Part 1 ends, a different actress with less impressive tits leaves the scene of the Chromeskull showdown. Once she leaves, a crack team of medical doctors rushes in, scoop up Chromeskull and take him back to their secret lair. While they're nursing him back to health, the head dude of this mysterious outfit tracks down and guts the Final Girl. Once Chromeskull is better and hears about this he gets all butthurt and breaks a mirror.  What a toughie. Soon though, he's got his sights on another Final Girl. He captures her and brings her back to his lair where he spends the rest of the movie chasing her around the generic, rundown warehouse. Yawn.

Despite the headache-inducing story and the obviously low budget, Part 2 actually is better than the original, but that's not saying much. The funny way a dog hunches his back when he shits is better than Part 1. If I could only change one thing about this movie, besides erasing it from existence, it would be to get a different main girl. This chick had zero personality and was completely forgettable. Why wouldn't you just put Danielle Harris in that role? Money, I guess.

Moderate gore, minimum blood, very quick female nudity, Danielle Harris completely wasted, low budget, needlessly confusing story, crappy looking sets, text messages, dumb ending and worst of all...Chromeskull still looks dumb as hell. Skip the fuck out of this turkey.

Part 1 - Laid to Rest (2009)