HELLRAISER: REVELATIONS (2011)

I want to fucking die. Everything in my goddamn life is shit and the one fucking thing that gives me just a little bit of happiness is watching movies. Briefly forgetting about my shit life and how I wish I had a time machine so I could go back in time, sneak into my mother's house, creep up on myself as a baby sleeping peacefully in my crib, pull out a hammer and bashing my infant self into mush as I disappear BACK TO THE FUTURE-style with a smile on my face. So yesterday, after yet another shit-filled day, I settle down to watch the new HELLRAISER movie. I love the HELLRAISER series, so I was excited about another installment. And what happens? Within 5 minutes I wanted to kill, within 10 I wanted to kill then kill myself, within 15 I wanted to kill the entire planet and within 20 I wished I was watching a Will Smith movie instead.

The film opens with some annoying, shaky "home movie" footage of two annoying douchers driving down to Mexico to get drunk and fuck prostitutes. During the whore-fucking, the lead doucher kills a hooker and the other douche bro buddy freaks out. So they do the wise thing and go drinking.  At some shitty bar, a hobo gives them the infamous puzzle box and before you can say "Clive Barker must be spinning in his grave." BOOM! out pops the cenobites like a bunch of acrobats, along with ol' Pinhead...except that it's not ol' Pinhead!  It's a new and unimproved Pinhead who looks like a fucking dork! He even has a belly.  What the fuck?  There was even a shorter Mini-Pinhead.  I have no idea what that was about.

Stuff happens and I cussed a lot...so, at least, my friend got some laughs out of my misery.  He later said "It looked like the Cenobites were torturing you, by making you watch the movie." Take my advise though and skip the fuck out of this movie. I could go into the story, but it's not important.  There are no redeeming values at all. Complete garbage. Everybody involved with this blasphemous turd should be ashamed of themselves.

Part 1 - Hellraiser (1987)
Part 2 - Hellbound: Hellraiser II (1988)
Part 3 - Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth (1992)
Part 4 - Hellraiser: Bloodline (1996)
Part 5 - Hellraiser: Inferno (2000)
Part 6 - Hellraiser: Hellseeker (2002)
Part 7 - Hellraiser: Deader (2005)
Part 8 - Hellraiser: Hellworld (2005)
Part 10 - Hellraiser: Judgement (2018)
Remake - Hellraiser (2022)

EVENT HORIZON (1997)

"This place is a tomb."

2047.  The "Event Horizon" is an experimental spacecraft that disappeared seven years ago and has now reappeared way the fuck out by Neptune. A distress signal was sent from the ship.  The film opens aboard a rescue vessel that is headed towards the Event Horizon. Along the way the crew is briefed (by Sam Neill, the creator of the Event Horizon) about how the ship was able to create an artificial black hole that would allow it to travel through a wormhole to a destination far away in just a fraction of the time it would have taken using traditional travel.  When the rescue crew arrives at the now ice cold Event Horizon, they discover that some sinister shenanigans are afoot.

I love outer space films like this, just the thought of being placed in a terrifying situation in such a remote, isolated location is an exciting premise for a movie (just look at ALIEN and THE THING), but EVENT HORIZON couldn't seal the deal.  When I first saw EVENT HORIZON back in 1997 it freaked me out.  Watching it again now though, I see it as a good example of a horror film that was so close to being awesome, but failed and ended up being just barely above average. The build up is fine, but then in the final act, everything just falls apart.  Instead of suspense and unbridled terror, it's just fizzles out.

It's still worth watching, because it is entertaining.  In the end I was more frustrated by what didn't happen than by what did.  According to IMDb the "original cut" is 130 minutes long. I have never seen that version available anywhere. The blu-ray I own is only 95 minutes.  I'd enjoy seeing a miniseries version of the story on something like HBO.  Sam Neill and Laurence Fishburne both give very good performances.

Director Paul W. S. Anderson went on to direct the blasphemous ALIEN VS. PREDATOR.

[Fun thought: If they ever release a fixed version of this film, they should use Front Line Assembly's "Synthetic Forms" as the main theme.]