DEAD OR ALIVE: FINAL (2002)

I'm dead.  This movie killed me with it's boredom.  This is my ghost talking now.  Luckily though the DEAD OR ALIVE series is all about reincarnation, so hopefully I'll come back as a better person.

Set in 2346 (which looks conspicuously like 2001), the mayor of Yokohama likes gay sex...a lot.  So much so that he's made birth control mandatory and completely controls the population, food and supplies based on his stiff homosexual ideology.  There's also human replicants that look exactly like humans.  One such battle droid replicant (Sho Aikawa) teams up with a group of rebels that are looking to escape the city.  Stuff happens and a cop (Riki Takeuchi) is ordered by the evil mayor to locate the rogue replicant.  Yawn.

As far as BLADE RUNNER replicants go, DEAD OR ALIVE: FINAL is about the lamest I've ever seen.  Even the giant flying penis robot didn't help things...and that's a sad sentence to write because when the day cums that a giant flying penis robot doesn't improve your story, you know you're in trouble!

Flaccid story, uninspired camerawork, weak direction, torturous pace, limp action scenes, goofy as fook ending that I'm only guessing is somehow connected to the opening scene of the original DEAD OR ALIVE since they both feature a dude doing another younger dude up against a wall.  I don't know what this film was going for, but I wish I hadn't wasted my time watching it.  Skip it with a vengeance and never look back.

Part 1 - Dead or Alive (1999)  
Part 2 - Dead or Alive 2: Birds (2000)

DEAD OR ALIVE 2: BIRDS (2000)

Soooo...sleepy!!!  I was wide awake when I started this film and damn near dead by the time it finally (mercifully) ended.

Two childhood friends, who were raised in the same orphanage but later lost contact with each other, just happen to run into each other...during a yakuza gang leader assassination!!!  The one guy is a hit man who is staring down the scope of his rifle at his target when suddenly out of nowhere one of the bosses' bodyguards goes nuts and starts killing everybody.  The one guy knows that his long lost friend will go hideout back at their small island hometown, so he goes there himself.  They reunite and have all kinds of fun and emotional music plays while the rain falls down in slow motion.  Eventually they put on a play for the local children which features a female turtle duck with a detachable penis and robot arm having sex with a bumblebee.  I'm serious.  After the success of the children's play performance they decide that they work so well together that they should go into business assassinating people and donating the proceeds to charity.

I love Takashi Miike, but goddamn this film was just not my bag.  There were a few interesting moments, good performances (including a small appearance by Shinya Tsukamoto, who I always enjoy) and it looks great, but that story is boring and goofy as fuck.  Even the necrophilia scene and the dude with the 40 pound cock couldn't liven things up.  Skip it.

Part 1 - Dead or Alive (1999)
Part 3 - Dead or Alive: Final (2002)

DEAD OR ALIVE (1999)

One of the many things I enjoy about the films of Takashi Miike is each time you sit down to watch one of his movies you honestly have no idea what you are in for.  A lot of times the story sounds pretty straight-forward and normal, but then Miike adds in his special touches and suddenly you have something unique and very entertaining.  The story on this outing sounds normal enough...

Riki Takeuchi is a small time Chinese thug operating in Tokyo.  Along the way he manages to piss off local yakuza boss (Renji Ishashi) and crooked police officer (Sho Aikawa).

...but there is more to the film than just that.  Exceptional editing, a brutal kiddie pool scene that looks like the cover to a goregrind album, strong acting, the two main characters (who hate each others guts) introducing the film together before the opening credits, a knife-throwing act with nearly naked dudes, dog sex.  It's not the greatest Miike yakuza film ever, but it's a solid one that's entertaining from beginning to end.  And speaking of the ending: holy shit.  That was one of the best endings to a low budget film I've ever seen.  I sat there stunned for a few seconds, giggled, then watched it again 4 more times.  Brilliant!  Also make sure to watch the alternate ending to YAKUZA DEMON for a joke based on this ending.

Part 2 - Dead or Alive 2: Birds (2000)
Part 3 - Dead or Alive: Final (2002)