REMEMBER THE GOAL (2016)

"Cross-country is a lot like Christianity, Mr. Prader, it doesn't make a lot of sense."

The cross-country team of the all-girls Christian school Orange Hills Academy came in 10th place last year in state while under the iron-handed leadership of Coach Holloway. Holloway’s gone now and the schools got a new coach who doesn’t believe in “running the girls in the ground”. The parents are not happy about that and they voice their disdain by being complete and utter assholes non-stop. It’s awesome. I was giggling my incredibly tight buns off the entire movie cause it’s so deadpan and over the top at the same time. There is zero character development. The new coach shows up in the opening scene and this one student just starts throwing shade immediately. Then the student’s dad shows up and starts talking shit to this poor woman without even giving her a chance at all. Then other parents and faculty pile on. It’s ridiculous. Then the coach starts tossing out Bible verses and I’m like “Ohh, hell yes. You go girl!” 1 Corinthians 10:31, motherfucker! “Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” What does that have to do with running across a field? I have no idea, but it's said with sincerity so it's awesome!

REMEMBER THE GOAL is a Christian movie, but even I, a world-renowned Bible scholar, had trouble figuring out how any of this is gonna get somebody saved or even be inspirational. Since it is a Christian school, I would figure that the parents are all Christians as well, but they were all insufferable buttheads. And the coaching technique that the new coach was showing the girls is just The Tortoise and the Hare: pace yourself while the other runners burn out. Like is that even inspirational at all? That's just common sense!

As far as movie entertainment goes, RTG would probably be looked at as lame by most people, but I appreciated the dedication the filmmakers and actors had. It made me laugh and that's fucking enough for me.

Part 2 - The Perfect Race (2019)

DIVINE INFLUENCER (2023)

[Warning: DIVINE INFLUENCER is advertised as a Christian film, but at one point in the film one of the main characters, a supposed Christian, blasphemes by saying “jeez”. (Exodus 20:7) And at another point in the film, we see two nipples. Even worse, a woman who is not married to the topless man also sees his sinful raised breast tissue. (Genesis 3:7)]

Twenty-nine year old influencer Olivia is a simpleton who cannot even do the simplest task without messing it up somehow. Eating food? She gets it all over her face and cannot figure out how to get it off. Put a bag of trash in a dumpster? She rips the bag and spins around like an infomercial actor spreading trash all over the place. Told to close a door? She leaves it open and walks off. Honestly, I don’t know how she lived to be 29. Then you meet her parents and it all begins to make sense. They are horrible parents and have been enabling her failures by paying her bills for her. Now though, just to further cement their poor parenting skillz, they decide that since she is such a failure that they are going to financially cut her off cold turkey. Around this same time, she makes a foolish mistake while streaming and loses her biggest (and I guess only) client. Because of all of this, she ends up homeless. So now while literally laying on her back on a sidewalk, a handsome (and single) dude she used to ignore in high school comes walking up and guess what? He runs a local homeless shelter that has a world-renowned chef working there. He gives Olivia a job at the shelter and after a montage of her failing at sweeping, scrubbing and cleaning, she’s now broadcasting inspiring messages about our Lord and savior, Jesus Christ. My favorite being, “You know I spent so much time trying to gain followers, but I’m realizing in order to truly influence people, I must first know the one worth truly following, Jesus.” Amen, sister!

Despite its more sinful moments (mentioned above), DIVINE INFLUENCER does a good job of spreading the Word of God and realistically explaining how if you become homeless all you have to do is sweep a floor or two and God will provide by having your brain-dead parents start giving you money again, the handsome guy who runs the world’s cleanest homeless shelter will fall in love with you and “all the best designers and high end fashion stores” will donate enough goods for you to open your own retail store.

The not often seen double-layer subtitle.

I don't know if this was on purpose or not, but I really enjoyed this brief shot of our young hero sitting in a waiting room dorking it up on her phone while some old white lady sits nearby quietly reading a book. (Sadly, not the Bible.) I like to believe that this shot was meant as an insult towards young versus old.