RAMPAGE (1987)

“The women’s bodies were cut open to get at the organs.”

Charles Reece (Alex McArthur) is a murderous, blood-sucking freak who walks around town blasting innocent people with an unsilenced handgun before sexual assaulting and disemboweling their corpses. He also likes to drink the blood of the dead to replace his own poisoned blood (cuz that’s how that works). Anthony Fraser (Michael Biehn) is a liberal-minded prosecutor who decides to go for the death penalty with Reece’s case.

Originally filmed in 1987, but not released theatrically until 1992, although I did locate a film festival in September 1987 where it played twice (see clippings below), William Friedkin’s RAMPAGE is a mess. The basic story, a fictionalized retelling of the crimes of Richard Chase, is mildly entertaining, but once he gets arrested (way too early in the film) things just bog down, down, down until you can feel your own poisoned blood coagulating in your cursed arteries.

Up and down pace, super impressive cast, way less violence than you would probably expect, a wicked shot of Reece fantasizing about bathing in blood while sitting in a tiger enclosure (I swear on Fred Durst’s grave that when I saw this film back in the 1990’s, the camera shot was wider and you could see three tigers), solid acting, the single darkest courtroom in movie history, a little blood, zero gore, zero nudity, a real hatred for expert witnesses, multiple interesting scenes that were cut short while other (less imaginative) scenes were left in.

I’m not sure which version of this film I originally saw back in the day and I’m not even sure that it matters. Watching RAMPAGE in 2025 is going to be disappointing for (I would think) everybody. There is just such a vast amount of superior serial killer and crime genre stuff out there nowadays. For example, I recently watched the show Dept. Q (Season 1) in two sittings and time just flew by! I couldn't get enough. Then I sit down today to revisit RAMPAGE and while I was fascinated by the cast, the story (especially the courtroom stuff) was dead on arrival.

I'm sure there's Friedkin freaks out there that absolutely love this movie, but it's just not my cup of non-poisoned blood anymore. I do remember liking it when it first came out, but it has not aged well. That said, if they ever come out with a definitive, remastered version of RAMPAGE, I would watch it.

CHRISTMAS AT THE AMISH BAKERY (2023)

Sarah was raised Amish and now works in Chicago as a cookbook editor. She takes a trip back to her family farm to make a cookbook based on her family’s recipes. While there she learns that her dad has hired an outsider as a handyman. This attractive outsider, Dean, also happens to be a widower (due to his shitty driving skillz) and a “bestselling” artist / writer with writers block. I’m sure you can guess the rest. That’s right: Dean’s young daughter steals a joke from DUMB AND DUMBER.

I watched CHRISTMAS AT THE AMISH BAKERY due to my interest in PLUS ONE AT AN AMISH WEDDING, but there’s really no comparing to two. Which in itself is fascinating because both films are soulless, but soulless in different ways! Honestly, I could talk about this film for hours. It’s fucking mind-blowing at just how nothing this movie is. Like every single aspect of the movie was completely void of personality or imagination. It was kinda awesome. As somebody who’s (handsome) brain is exploding with hundreds of novel-length stories daily, it was refreshing to sit down and watch something so dull. It’s like Valium for your brain!

Steady pace, nothing story, unrealistic dialogue, trite upbeat acting that had me rolling my gorgeous eyeballs non-stop, zero nudity, zero gore, extras waiting on the main actors, not one single song by the band Marty Buttworm, fake snow (and only placed around where the actors were standing), a Second Christmas on Dec. 26th, food illustrations a la The Great British Baking Show, a few outdoor scenes that looked like they were filmed on a green screen, very small cast. Does lemon juice really keep banana slices from turning brown??

I liked CHRISTMAS AT THE AMISH BAKERY and had a blast watching it. At one point I even smacked myself on the forehead with the palm of my hand. But I was a little confused by the lack of religion in this film. Very early in the film, our hero says, “Happy holidays” not “Merry Christmas”, so I was expecting that to be foreshadowing of some kind of coming to Christ bullshit later on, but…nope. Outside of one random Bible verse and a Nativity Story play, there’s very little mention of religion at all. Although, at the end of the movie Sarah does say “Merry Christmas.” Praise Jesus. Also, I was severely disappointed by the lack of shit-talking about city folk.

Meh, I have a bunch more to say, but nobody reads this shit.