PORKY'S (1981)

Twenty-six year-old high school teenager Pee Wee wants to get laid goddamn it! His buddies wanna help him and they don't care how many laws they gotta break to make it happen. Eventually, since Pee Wee has created such an annoying shitbag reputation for himself all over town (mainly due to him being an annoying shitbag non-stop), he cannot get any action with the locals, so, his friends resort to driving Pee Wee to a hillbilly whorehouse in the middle of a swamp that’s ran by a Jabba the Hutt-looking dude called Porky. Surprisingly, things don’t go well. This sparks off an ongoing feud between the dumbass teenagers and the dumbass Porky's gang.

Nowadays, when first-time viewers sit their lazy, non-chiseled buttcheeks down to watch PORKY’S, they’re probably expecting a light-hearted, AMERICAN PIE-style romp about high schoolers goofing off and fingerfucking each other in the hallways between AP Biology and AP English Literature and Composition, but…nope. This shit, while it does have a few funny moments, is way darker than it needs to be. Kinda like the (unneeded) abusive boyfriend storyline in FOOTLOOSE. Most of the darkness is in the form of racism and violence. It’s honestly kinda mind-boggling at how PORKY’S was such a big hit back in ye olde 1981. Maybe it's because it was released during a lull in the box office release calendar (pop quiz: you're in high school and going on a date, which new release are you more likely to go see? ON GOLDEN POND, QUEST FOR FIRE, MISSING, CHARIOTS OF FIRE or PORKY'S? ) or maybe audiences just enjoyed tasteless racist, bigoted, sexist, homophobic humor back in the 1980’s. Probably a little bit of both.

Medium pace, a few (overrated) nude scenes, like maybe three scenes that are actually kinda funny, lots of depressing subjects played off as funny, dedicated acting by a strong cast, lots of vintage cars, cool looking vintage clothing and fashions, (as far as I can remember) not one single scene that actually took place inside a classroom (or even a school hallway), a few background characters that should have been in the foreground, unfunny pranks. Overall, if you're interested in the origins of old ancient Tits & Ass comedies of the 1980's, then you don't have a choice but to check out PORKY'S. It's mandatory viewing, even if it's cringe and dated as fuck. 

One dumb idea I had after re-watching PORKY'S for this review is it'd be amusing if somebody made a completely humorless and deadly serious, 4 hour legal drama about the consequences of all the laws broken in this film. Still called it PORKY'S 2, but instead of whatever PORKY'S 2 is actually about (I cannot remember), instead have the students and Porky's gang arrested and then face (probably) years in prison for dynamiting a bridge, multiple assaults, multiple counts of indecency, destroying a police car and badly damaging a second, demolishing an entire building with people inside it, etc. Also, in the super serious courthouse scenes, the Prosecution shows scenes from the movie as evidence. With nobody ever questioning how that can even be. How strange it is to be anything at all.

PORKY'S reboot idea: Pee Wee isn't as annoying as he is in the original, zero racist bullshit, zero scenes or reference to a whorehouse (have "Porky's" be a local mom & pop video store where people hang out in the parking lot and inside the store), zero creepy sex crime shower peeping, a more diverse cast, preferably cast members who actually look less than 30, way more nudity, more high school drama, way more cheerleaders, way more nudity (both male and female and anything else), an awesome soundtrack, at least 40% of the characters gay and / or trans, multiple scenes taking place during the Friday night Main Street car cruising traffic jam and since it's set in 1981 there should be at least one video store customer complaining that THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW isn't on VHS or laserdisc yet. (1990 and 1992, in case you're curious)

Part 2 - Porky's II: The Next Day (1983)
Part 3 - Porky's Revenge! (1985)

POLICE ACADEMY (1984)

Set in a fictional universe where the police have hiring standards, the mayor of an unnamed American city (that looks exactly like Toronto) has removed the hiring rules so that anybody can apply and they cannot be kicked out. Enter into this ridiculous scenario is Steve Guttenberg, a freewheelin’ dude who has been arrested yet again for acting like a fool. His late father’s police buddy works out a deal so that Steve must go to the police academy or go to prison. And he cannot drop out. So, Steve goes to the first day of police boot camp and is joined by a laundry list of stereotypes: the overweight nebbish, the Latin lover, the accident-prone dork, the trigger happy gun nut with the brainpower of a Fig Newton, a gentle giant, a spoiled rich girl, etc. On the other end of the cast are the stereotypical police characters: the absent-minded but well-meaning boss, the domineering power mad drill sergeant who couldn’t do even 10% of what he demands from others, the two snitch cadet asshole-lickers and so on. And…that’s pretty much the entire movie: introduce the cast and then show their various adventures.

Nowadays, the Police Academy series is probably completely forgotten and tucked away in some dark, dusty, cobweb-covered corner of popular culture history alongside the rabbit test and Where’s Herb? But, back in the second half of the 1980’s the Police Academy series was a pretty big deal for movie lovers. Fuck, they made an installment every motherfuckin’ year from 1984 until 1989! I remember seeing them all multiple times back in the day. And the rental VHS tapes would sometimes be garbled as fuck around the quick nude scenes.

Revisiting the original installment of the series for this review was actually more fun than I thought it would be. I was kinda expecting it to be dated as fook, but outside of some cringy racial slurs and one completely uncalled for use of the f-word (not that it’s ever called for in a derogatory sense), POLICE ACADEMY was a fun film. Quick pace, dumb as hell story, a kid wearing a Fonz t-shirt, memorable characters, a Dave Clark Five poster, lots of wacky situations, a random rioter wearing a t-shirt for THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW, one in the oven, that one dude who makes all the noises, The Blue Oyster Bar, solid editing, above average acting, a hardcore dude wearing a Van Halen vest and a Van Halen t-shirt, Also, IMDb states that John Hawkes is in the film as the uncredited "Driver of Teskey Truck". I'll leave that up to you to decide. (Screenshot included below.)

POLICE ACADEMY is definitely dated, but it's still an entertaining film. Mandatory viewing for anybody interesting in 1980's culture.

I'm curious if POLICE ACADEMY was the first movie introduction of the gay leather bar scene to popular American audiences? (Yeah, you could argue 1980's CRUISING, but POLICE ACADEMY made way more money than CRUISING.) Like was there some lonely dude in Java, South Dakota who saw this movie and during the Blue Oyster scene his dick shot out like a Pringles can with veins and he was like "There are places like that?!!" If so, then I hope they all had good lives and realized their gay dreams. I'm also curious if anybody has written a serious book about location concept comedies in the 1980's? There were just so many of them! Had to be in the hundreds. And don't worry, I'll review them all eventually.

Part 2 - Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment (1985)
Part 3 - Police Academy 3: Back in Training (1986)
Part 4 - Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol (1987)
Part 5 - Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach (1988)
Part 6 - Police Academy 6: City Under Siege (1989)
Part 7 - Police Academy: Mission to Moscow (1994)