Wednesday, December 7, 2011


Hollywood cowboys vs. Hollywood aliens.

Cowboy Daniel Craig wakes up in the middle of nowhere. He has amnesia and some metal contraption clamped on his left wrist. Before he can even get his bearings three scruffy looking dudes ride up and start talking shit. Craig beats the crap out of them and kills them, so obviously he knows how to fight. He takes a horse and travels into the nearest town where it becomes apparent that he is a wanted criminal. After some more fighting he's arrested and then while being loaded up into the paddy wagon...aliens attack! So the aliens swoop in and blast a lot of buildings and lasso some city folk and head off with them. During the attack the metal device on Craig's arm activates and he uses it to shoot down one of the alien vehicles. The next morning, Craig joins a posse and they head off in search of those aliens who took their women folk and men folk.

With a title like COWBOYS & ALIENS I was expecting the film to be a little campy, like TREMORS, but instead C&A comes across like it almost wanted to be serious! I think. What the fuck do I know? But with the torture scene, the deaths, the alien experiments, the ominous lighting and the semi-gritty tone, I think it was going for serious. Even worse than the mixed tone signals is the slow pace. Jesus Christ, I was damn near going into a coma waiting for something to happen and then when it was still boring!!! And who came up wit the idea of gold rustling, shell-less turtle aliens? WTF?!!! Ahhhh, fuck it. Watch the movie if you want, it's not horrible just completely lacking in imagination and cleverness. I could have written a better script than this soulless snoozer without even breaking a sweat. If you need me I'll be in my room watching TREMORS, THE LAST STARFIGHTER, OBLIVION 2: BACKLASH and old episodes of "The Adventures of the Galaxy Rangers" and "BraveStarr".

One interesting thing the filmmakers could have done, but I guess it wasn't legally possible was have Harrison Ford's character lose an alien artifact and then have Indiana Jones find it in the next Indy movie.