Monday, May 7, 2018

47 METERS DOWN (2017)

Two "meh"-looking sisters (who never even get close to naked) are vacationing in Mexico.  One of them is depressed about her boyfriend breaking up with her for being "boring", so in a severely misguided attempt to look more fun (and somehow win him back), they decide to go cage diving with sharks.  With decision making skills like that, I think I can see why her boyfriend broke up with her.

Anyway, these two tired-of-living motherfuckers find a rinky-dink cage diving operation and before you can say "shark pussy", the cable has broken and they're 47 meters down up in this bitch.  So, now stuck in a cage at the bottom of the ocean and surrounded by sharks, you'd expect for the filmmakers to amp up the intense drama and have the sisters fighting over oxygen and/or maybe admitting that "Hey, I fucked your boyfriend.", but no...instead the viewer is treated to an hour of these two dead fucks talking about their feelings and occasionally swimming around outside the cage.  It's all very lame and uneventful.  I watched the entire movie, but found myself daydreaming about other stuff like "How come there's never been a really slow-paced alien invasion story?" or "Susie (my cat) is gorgeous."

Zero nudity, zero thrills, zero imagination, talking underwater despite your ears being outside of your mask, very little action or blood, slow pace, stupid decision after stupid decision, bland acting, completely unbelievable underwater action.

47 METERS DOWN is an okay time-waster, that I never want to watch ever again.  Here's hoping that any reboots or sequels are set in a nudist colony.