Monday, May 14, 2018
THE PYRAMID (2014)
Being a horror movie based around an Egyptian pyramid, the viewer could justifiably expect all kinds of sinister shenanigans to happen: perhaps a dried out, icky-looking mummy ripping guy's dicks off and punching females in the cooter; possibly a freaky-looking creature with the head of a lion and the body of a man feasting on people's intestines; perchance some half-cat, half-hippopotamus monsters tearing off victims faces and crushing their testicles; mayhaps even an upright-walking beast with the body of a hunting dog and the penis of a caracal tip-toeing around and peeing in the mouths of sleeping archaeologists...but no. Instead, we get a half-jackal/half-man CGI creature that lurks in the dark and kills like 3 or 4 people offscreen. Yawn.
I went into THE PYRAMID excited, but quickly realized that it was going to be a lightweight outing. Zero nudity, very little blood, no gore, tiresome characters, lots of darkness, disappointing monster, okay acting, slow start, boring middle and dumb ending. I managed to watch the entire thing, but it was a struggle. Skip it.