CHILDREN OF THE CORN II: THE FINAL SACRIFICE (1992)

A reporter and his teenage son are innocently driving through the backwoods of Nebraska when they happen upon the aftermath of the Gatlin massacre (a.k.a. the events of the first film). As any American law professor can tell you, the punishment for teenagers killing "fifty plus" people is...to be immediately adopted by the citizens of the next town over. So, our murderous band of bustas are bused to Hemingford where they start murder-death-killin' a new whole batch of oldz. It's not all bad news bears though, cuz while the entire population of Hemingford is being openly slaughtered, the father and the son both find time to boink females. Nice.

It's been (not nearly enough) years since the wretched A RETURN TO SALEM'S LOT assaulted my handsome eyeballs with its shittiness, but I kinda remember it having the same plot. A single dad and his teenage son argue a lot and get stuck in a small town taken over by evil people. The dad and the son still have time to bang local women. Eventually, the survivors band together (in boring ways) and defeat evil before driving away as the Sun rises.

I haven't seen CHILDREN OF THE CORN II: THE FINAL SACRIFICE since seeing it in the theater back in '93 and it was actually better than I remembered it being. Steady pace that kept the story going forward, a few fun kills (the nosebleed church dude was awesome!), vintage clothing, pretty farmland locations, good enough acting, satisfying ending (even if it was weak as fuck).

Overall, CHILDREN OF THE CORN II is a fun throwback to those mid-level, weak ass horror movies that sucked back in the day but are enjoyable now in a nostalgic way.

This has nothing to do with the review, but the evil teenagers from BLACK ROSES would beat the snot out of these Children of the Corn dorks. Just sayin'. [Update 12/25/2025: the more I think about this idea, the more I'd like to see a remake where the evil Corn Kids get shipped to Mill Basin and a huge gang war breaks out between the two evil kid gangs.]

[This also has nothing to do with the review, but if anybody is confused about the tagline on the poster saying, "These children are home alone, too", it's because this movie was in the theater at the same time as HOME ALONE 2. It's just a really bad joke. Proof.]

Part 1 - Children of the Corn (1984)
Part 3 - Children of the Corn III: Urban Harvest (1995)
Part 4 - Children of the Corn: The Gathering (1996)
Part 5 - Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror (1998)
Part 6 - Children of the Corn 666: Isaac's Return (1999)
Part 7 - Children of the Corn: Revelation (2001)
Part 8 - Children of the Corn: Genesis (2011)
Part 9 - Children of the Corn: Runaway (2018)
Remake - Children of the Corn (2009)

SANTA JAWS (2018)

For Christmas a teenage boy gets an ink pen that will (unknowingly to him) bring anything drawn with it to life. He draws a shark wearing a Santa hat. The next morning, the Santa shark eats the kids grandpa while they’re out fishing. Instead of calling 911, the kid tells his parents who tell him to stop lying and take away his phone. After that, the rest of the movie is just the kid and his dorky friends (and eventually his family) fighting the shark and never once calling the police even as they all die one by one. Fin.

As far as Christmas stories go, SANTA JAWS is more believable and less depressing than the Biblical Nativity Story, so it does have that going for it, but unfortunately, while the story also shows a few glimpses of imagination…the execution is fucking abysmal. Horrible dialogue, bland scenery and sets, Satanawful look to the entire thing (is that because it’s shot on a digital camera or something? Why do you look like such ass, bro?), literally not one single person on screen that isn’t part of the story…no cars driving by or people simply walking in the background, middle school play-level acting, zero nudity, zero gore, zero cheerleaders, ugly clothing, an ending that goes on for way too long, weak as hell special effects, multiple bad puns and jokes that kinda make me believe this might have been a comedy.

Comedy or not, SANTA JAWS is an amusing watch, if you’re into this kind of thing. Overall, it sucked, but I did enjoy it and have no regrets in watching it. Although I doubt I'll ever watch it again...unless I decide to explore just how shitty the subtitles are on the DVD. Jesus wept.

[Not part of the review: I’m very fascinated by this entire type of movie. Not killer animal movies, but this budget range of film that is obviously not going to be a masterpiece but somehow marketed well enough to make its money back. It’s endlessly fascinating. I really wish I knew more about it. If there isn’t already, somebody should make a documentary about it. I just love how there seems to be an endless supply of these weird, nothing movies. Then again, maybe I’m not real and I’m just dreaming all of this up as I slowly decay.]

[This really has nothing to do with the review, but on the IMDb page for SANTA JAWS it says there is a "Goof" where "During the fishing scene with Papa and Cody, Cody is holding his rod upside down." I including a shot of Cody fishing with his grandpa and the fishing pole is being held just like the grandpas. With the line roller thing on the bottom. There are two shots of Cody's rod (insert low effort penis joke here) in this scene and they both look like the screenshot included below.]

The subtitles on this DVD are nearly worthless. In this scene, the actor clearly says “Ho, ho, ho. You son of a fish.” and this is what the subtitles say.