POLICE ACADEMY: MISSION TO MOSCOW (1994)

There’s a scene in the movie where Tackleberry and Jones are attempting to break into a combination wall safe. Tackleberry wants to shoot it with a pistol, but Jones has a better idea. He puts his face near the safe and makes tumbler clicking noises. The safe unlocks. That’s all you really need to know about POLICE ACADEMY: MISSION TO MOSCOW.

I don’t know why this film was made. You would think that since the filmmakers took 5 years between City Under Siege and this film, that they would have had plenty of time to develop a hilarious script, but nope, this movie is dead on arrival. Honestly, it’s kind of impressive that somebody can make an 82-minute comedy and not one single funny (or even amusing) thing happens during the entire film. I’ve seen dozens of episodes of Midsomer Murders that were funnier than POLICE ACADEMY: MISSION TO MOSCOW, not because it’s a comedy (it’s a cozy mystery show about brutal murders), but simply because MM has amazing writers and occasionally humorous things happen to lighten the mood.

I’m sure that there were many, many talented people involved with the making of Police Academy 7, but unfortunately very little of that talent made it to the screen. I did enjoy some of the scenery and locations and a few of the extras seemed fine. Other than that, I was just dumbfounded by how void of funny the entire thing was. So, in that regard, it’s kinda worth watching.

Definitely not the worst thing I’ve ever seen or even close to it, POLICE ACADEMY: MISSION TO MOSCOW is more like a series of moving images that kinda develop into an uninteresting story. A nothing movie.

Part 1 - Police Academy (1984)
Part 2 - Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment (1985)
Part 3 - Police Academy 3: Back in Training (1986)
Part 4 - Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol (1987)
Part 5 - Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach (1988)
Part 6 - Police Academy 6: City Under Siege (1989)

THE GODS MUST BE CRAZY (1980)

An African bushman, Xi, is living a simple life with his tribe in the Kalahari Desert when a litterbug airplane pilot tosses a glass bottle out the window. The flying bottle is seen by Xi who thinks it is a gift from the gods. He shows it to his tribe and everybody is confused, or concerned, or shocked, or aroused, or all of the above by the mysterious object. Soon though, they discover that it is a useful tool and everybody gets jelly at one another wanting to use it all the time. Xi says these negative waves are bringing me down man, I’m gonna walk to the end of the world and yeet this mother back to the gods. So, he starts walking. Along the way he meets various people and critters. One such critter is biologist Andrew Steyn who seems to be a fairly normal person until he’s in the presence of an attractive single female. Then he suddenly turns into Cary Grant in the singing recital scene from THE AWFUL TRUTH. Too bad he’s been asked to go pick up the new (attractive single female) schoolteacher, Kate Thompson.

THE GODS MUST BE CRAZY is an alright film, slightly above average at a 6/10, but the 1980’s must be more cray cause this movie reportedly made around $200 million at the worldwide box office! To me that seems unbelievable (for example: DIE HARD only made $143m worldwide and THE LITTLE MERMAID $211m), but I do remember it being popular as fuck on VHS when I was kid. Also, going through old newspapers I saw multiple ads hyping the film’s long runs. See below for an ad from Miami celebrating its 58th week and one from Sydney saying, “10th month”! What the fuck?

Anyway, revisiting THE GODS MUST BE CRAZY as a staggeringly handsome adult, all of the scenes that I remember being funny are still funny (mainly only the scenes with the bumbling biologist and the schoolteacher), but the rest of the film was kinda slow. I was also surprised at the darker moments of the film: terrorists killing people, terrorists kidnapping children and forcing them to walk for miles and (at least) three real-life chickens being murdered onscreen.

Up and down pacing, a few scenes that are genuinely funny, unreliable narrator that got more annoying as he went, many scenes filmed with goofy cartoon logic, unnecessarily dark storylines, okay ending, lots of different animals doing animal stuff. For an older, non-mainstream studio film, THE GODS MUST BE CRAZY is worth watching for those curious, but I still have no idea why it had such a following back in the day. I’d love to know more about that 1980’s cultural phenomenon.

Part 2 - The Gods Must Be Crazy II (1989)

Unofficial Sequels:

Unofficial Sequel 1 - Crazy Safari (1991)
Unofficial Sequel 2 - Crazy Hong Kong (1993)
Unofficial Sequel 3 - The Gods Must Be Funny in China (1994)