BLOODY MISTAKE (2009)

A woman has an abortion.  Seven months later an older dude flirts with her. So now, before you can say "Richard is Pointing at Gillian's Dods." she ends up pregnant again.  While sitting out on the street crying about how the dude dumped her, yet another older dude walks up out of nowhere and offers to marry her since his 6 previous wives could not have children. Next, three people murder a guy with hairy ears. Then a drunk dude brings home his drunk buddy. The drunk dude’s mother has a friend who likes to bang younger dudes. So, the mom gives her son’s buddy some credits for his phone. Around this same time, a younger woman’s car breaks down; a guy talks to himself while wearing upside-down sunglasses and a young woman promises her mother that she will not lose her virginity again. In other words, it’s fucking awesome! Oh yeah, another scene I loved was a guy was at his mother’s house eating dinner when he tells his mother that he wants to introduce his mom to his fiancée…who is already sitting at the table eating! Like how do you introduce somebody to another person mid-meal inside their own house? Fucking classic!

I have zero point zero information about BLOODY MISTAKE and I’m not even sure that is the real title of the movie. I tried to Google it and found nothing, so the only information I have is the DVD and the copyright date on the case. If I’m wrong about anything, please tell me and I’ll correct it. I also have what is labeled parts 2, 3 and 4, but I’m too busy re-watching part 1 to move onto those just yet.

Anyway, I cannot share any info about the film credentials, but as far as entertainment goes…I was in movie heaven! I was also pleasantly surprised about how good the acting was. I was especially impressed by the mother of the main dude. She was great! I also enjoyed the rapid fire pace, the interesting locations and, well, everything. I’m sure some people might dismiss this film for whatever reasons, but, in my extremely depressed state, I found it to be highly entertaining.

SMILE 2 (2024)

Voss Water presents Damn, This Motherfucker Is Trippin’! a.k.a. Smile 2.

[This is simply a placeholder until I can get my hands on a physical copy for a real review with screenshots. But yeah, I enjoyed S2. It’s definitely better than the first film. Although, the double jump scares did get old. If I can find inspiration between now and then to write a legit review, then I will. But I’ll probably just wait until I can watch it again at home and take notes.]

Part 1 - Smile (2022)

MY IMMORTAL THE MOVIE (2015)

Full disclosure: the audio on this movie isn’t the best, so my apologizes if I got anything in the story incorrect.

A young vampire by the name of Ebony goes to college but seems to fill 100% of her time hanging out with her two boyfriends(?) instead of going to class. One evening she and bf #1 go to a shit rock concert in a deserted basement. Afterward they fuck in the woods. Later on, bf #1 is kidnapped by somebody whose name sounded like Lord Moldyhorse. So, Ebony shoots a vampire guard in the head and watches two guys fuck in the hallway outside her bedroom. Later on, there is some lightning and Horsemold rolls down a hill. Fin.

I literally have zero info about this movie. I should probably do some research, but I don’t care and nobody reads this shit anyway. That said, MY IMMORTAL THE MOVIE seems to just be a student film and with that in mind, I enjoyed it. The 45-minute runtime (that includes both opening and closing credits) didn’t overstay its welcome, the pace was brisk, the story was wacky and seems to be based on Harry Potter. I think? I swear to Satan I heard somebody yell something like “you Muggle fuck” at one point. As far as the acting goes, it’s definitely more middle school-level than college, but still, it worked out fine with a story of this nature and the actors seemed to be having fun.

Why this movie was released on DVD, I’m not really sure, but I’m glad it was and will probably watch it again with friends at some point. As far as the negatives go, I straight-up had no idea what the fuck was going on, the crappy music was too loud in the mix, the use of the r-word was uncalled for, I don’t think there was any consideration for lighting and despite seeing boom mic reflections in various windows…I’m not sure that the mic was turned on. The audio on AX ‘EM was better. And that ain’t a joke.

Shitty lighting, shitty audio, whatever. MY IMMORTAL THE MOVIE was a fun watch and definitely better than some of the crap I've seen in the movie theater this year. THE WATCHERS, I'm talking about you, mugglefucker!

THE APPLE DUMPLING GANG (1975)

Set back in the Old West days, THE APPLE DUMPLING GANG is about a traveling gambler (Bill Bixby) who inadvertently gets saddled with three annoying punk kids. I hate them. And everybody in town hates them also. That is…until the kids discover a huge chunk of gold! Now suddenly everybody wants to adopt these annoying (and wealthy) fucks. At the same time, two bumbling idiots (Don Knotts and Tim Conway) devise several goofy ideas to steal the gold.

Tim Conway and Don Knotts are by far the best part of the movie. Their stupid shenanigans are kinda funny, but not really. When they were on screen, I was amused. When they weren’t, I was not amused and struggled to pay attention to the run-of-the-mill story.

So, should you watch these apple dumpling motherfuckers? Ehhh. If you were born after 1980, then probably not. It’s pretty dated. But for fans of older cinema, it was a treat to see so many familiar faces like Slim Pickens, Harry Morgan, Susan Clark and John McGiver hamming it up in a light-hearted kids movie. Medium pace, a few mildly funny jokes, simple story. THE APPLE DUMPLING GANG is an okay lazy afternoon time-waster. But, if you’re looking for some classic Conway-Knotts hijinks then check out THE PRIVATE EYES. I’ve seen that fucker like 50 times and I still crack up at the bullshit they get up to in that movie. “She’s gone! She’s gooooonnne!!!”

Part 2 - The Apple Dumpling Gang Rides Again (1979)