Sunday, March 16, 2025

DIVINE INFLUENCER (2023)

[Warning: DIVINE INFLUENCER is advertised as a Christian film, but at one point in the film one of the main characters, a supposed Christian, blasphemes by saying “jeez”. (Exodus 20:7) And at another point in the film, we see two nipples. Even worse, a woman who is not married to the topless man also sees his sinful raised breast tissue. (Genesis 3:7)]

Twenty-nine year old influencer Olivia is a simpleton who cannot even do the simplest task without messing it up somehow. Eating food? She gets it all over her face and cannot figure out how to get it off. Put a bag of trash in a dumpster? She rips the bag and spins around like an infomercial actor spreading trash all over the place. Told to close a door? She leaves it open and walks off. Honestly, I don’t know how she lived to be 29. Then you meet her parents and it all begins to make sense. They are horrible parents and have been enabling her failures by paying her bills for her. Now though, just to further cement their poor parenting skillz, they decide that since she is such a failure that they are going to financially cut her off cold turkey. Around this same time, she makes a foolish mistake while streaming and loses her biggest (and I guess only) client. Because of all of this, she ends up homeless. So now while literally laying on her back on a sidewalk, a handsome (and single) dude she used to ignore in high school comes walking up and guess what? He runs a local homeless shelter that has a world-renowned chef working there. He gives Olivia a job at the shelter and after a montage of her failing at sweeping, scrubbing and cleaning, she’s now broadcasting inspiring messages about our Lord and savior, Jesus Christ. My favorite being, “You know I spent so much time trying to gain followers, but I’m realizing in order to truly influence people, I must first know the one worth truly following, Jesus.” Amen, sister!

Despite its more sinful moments (mentioned above), DIVINE INFLUENCER does a good job of spreading the Word of God and realistically explaining how if you become homeless all you have to do is sweep a floor or two and God will provide by having your brain-dead parents start giving you money again, the handsome guy who runs the world’s cleanest homeless shelter will fall in love with you and “all the best designers and high end fashion stores” will donate enough goods for you to open your own retail store.
The not often seen double-layer subtitle.

Tuesday, March 11, 2025

AMERICA IS SINKING (2023)

America’s sinking? Time to drink my own piss!

Bad news, continental United States: A giant iceberg is droppin' it like it’s hot and causing a series of tsunamis and earthquakes that are going to sink North America...only, for some apparent reason.

I love disaster movies like THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW and GEOSTORM, so obviously I'm going to give something called AMERICA IS SINKING a chance. I mean, Christ, the whole fucking thing is going to be underwater! Unfortunately, AIS turned out to be a completely soulless cookie cutter mess. And I'm not saying that because it's a low-budget film. I love low budget actioners (Hell, DEADLY PREY is one of the greatest 1980’s movies of all time!), but AMERICA IS SINKING lacks any personality at all. One of the worst sins a movie can commit is being soulless. Take WHO KILLED CAPTAIN ALEX? for example, that movie probably cost less than a few thousand dollars to produce but yet it’s hilarious and super fun to watch. AMERICA IS SINKING on the other hand feels like it was churned out in a moviemaking factory / dungeon just to make a quick buck.

Honestly, the lack of entertainment gave me a headache, I need to go lay down. Maybe drink some water. Build up my urine reserves.

Skip it.