KNOWING (2009)

MIT astrophysics professor Nicholas Cage discovers, via a numerical message found in his son's elementary school time capsule, that the Earth is fuuuuucked. So now, it's up to him to run around like an asshole screaming about the end of the world and save everybody's life. Well, I might have gotten a little ahead of myself. First, the filmmakers have to explain to the stupid audience that Cage is a godless sinner by having him drinking nonstop and trash talking religion while praising Science then have him change his mind when he sees the end is near. That's right, KNOWING is actually a heavy-handed Jesus movie...I think.  It might be a heavy-handed New Age hippie movie also...maybe. Honestly, I have no clue what's going on except that it's silly and fun to laugh at.

Silly story, zero tits, lots of CGI destruction, annoying kids you want to drop kick in the face, Cage freaking out and throwing stuff, mysterious humanoids, CGI moose on fire.  With the right sense of humor, KNOWING is a lot of fun to laugh at.

PRIMEVAL (2007)

A huge alligator in Africa is eating people. A 24-hour news channel sends in a news crew, an animal expert and a guide to not only film this man-eating monster, but also capture it alive!

That sounds exciting, but it's not. First off, it takes 22 minutes for the main characters to even arrive at the river where the alligator lives (why not just start the movie with the news crew arriving?!) and even then it's another good while before the alligator shows up!  Once the alligator arrives, you'd figure that it would be the star of the show, but instead, the story gets sidetracked in some unneeded bullshit about a local warlord.  Who cares?!

Ugly photography, slow pace, the main actor cannot even wear a shirt properly, everything has an ugly orange colour to it, below average computer graphics, roaring alligator, dude getting chased by the alligator pauses long enough to flip it off (how about you run away, genius), lame dialogue, boring action scenes, worthless ending.  I cannot even think of one reason to watch this useless clunker.  Skip it.

The fact that somebody got paid actual money to write this script kinda blows my mind.

STRIPPED TO KILL 2: LIVE GIRLS (1989)

Part 2 is even shittier than Part 1 and that's saying something! There's another killer loose in a crappy strip club. This time the main suspect is a red headed stripper who dreams about killing people and wakes up covered in other people's blood. Sounds like an open and shut case to me! Unlike the original though there's no female police detective going undercover as a stripper, instead we get a dorky looking male copper who decides the best way to investigate the case is to start banging the main suspect in a back alley in the rain.

Zero tension, low as fuck budget (I loved how you could actually see the sprinklers turning on for the rain LOL), only mildly (very mildly!) attractive strippers and terrible dance routines. I can't think of a single reason to watching this movie outside of extreme boredom or extremely painful blue balls. Skip it and never look back.

Part 1 - Stripped to Kill (1987)