THE HILLS HAVE EYES PART II (1984)

The most shocking thing about THE HILLS HAVE EYES PART II is that it was written and directed by Wes Craven.  Usually when somebody comes along and shits, pisses and hadoukens their farts all over the original it's just a hack cashing in on a quick payday.  But no, Wes Craven wrote and directed this turd bucket himself.  I can only imagine what kind of drama went on behind the scenes for him to end up with a turkey like this the same year he also made the legendary A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET.

After a quick opening scene with one of the annoying survivors of the original snoozefest talking to a shrink, we're introduced to a new cast of annoying characters.  I would love to line up these suckers up and then run by with my hand out slapping them all in the face Three Stooges-style.  Wack, wack, wack, wack, wack...!!!  The main girl is a blind chick who's boyfriend is a motocross rider.  Him and his buddies are running late for a motorcycle race so they (along with some girls) take their bus on a shortcut through the desert.  And, as I'm sure you've already guessed, the bus breaks down.  Soon the cannibals show up...all two of them.

I could bitch about how there was only two cannibals, but instead, I'll bitch about how needlessly stupid the story is.  First off, one of the girls in the victim group just happens to be one of the cannibals from the original film!  I'm not saying it was the same actress in a different role, but it was one of the actual cannibal family members!  She ran away after Part 1, became a productive member of society and then ends up in Part II breaking down in her old hunting grounds.  What an idiot!  Why was she even within a thousand miles of those psychos?!  Another, maybe even stupider, thing is the fucking dog from the original film is also on the bus and he has a flashback back to when he bit Michael Berryman's foot!!!  Completely ridiculous.

Slow pace, zero gore, zero blood, unsexy topless scene, boring kills, weak special effects, stupid ending, lots of pointless chatter, music that sounds a whole lot like the music from FRIDAY THE 13TH, a dork riding a motorcycle into a stack of empty cardboard boxes, a guy violently jumping through a window for no reason, one shot (where the dog runs off) that looks like it was filmed in the daytime but the sky was literally painted black in the film!  Skip this piece of fuck and forget it even exists.

Part 1 - THE HILLS HAVE EYES (1977)
Remake - THE HILLS HAVE EYES (2006)
Remake sequel - THE HILLS HAVE EYES II (2007)

THE HILLS HAVE EYES (1977)

Loosely based on the Sawney Bean cannibal family folktale, THE HILLS HAVE EYES is the mildly entertaining story of a family of six idiots (and a baby) who take a detour on their road trip from Cleveland to California to go explore an abandoned silver mine out in the middle of the desert.  Of course, being idiots, they soon get lost and wreck their car.  To make matters worse...they happened to break down next to a cave full of cannibals who have a hankering for human meat.  Especially fat little baby flesh!

The best thing THE HILLS HAVE EYES has going for it is that title.  It's just straight up awesome.  The rest of the movie though is disappointing.  The family sucks, the cannibals are boring (although Michael Berryman has a very memorable look about him), zero nudity, zero gore, mild violence, slow pace, goofy normal family vs the fallout family parable that probably has a meaning if I cared enough to think about it, Dee Wallace lookin' good, ugly photography.  Oh!  And let's not forget Susan Lanier's screaming.  Jesus fucking Christ was it was annoying!!!  I actually had to turn down the volume during the end scenes because her screeching non-stop was ripping my ears apart.  It was horrible.

THE HILLS HAVE EYES might be considered a "cult" film, but honestly it's just boring.  Maybe back in 1977 it was impressive, but nowadays it's dated and lame.  I sat there in a daze the entire movie waiting for something cool to happen...and it never did.  Worth a watch for horror buffs only.

Part 2 - THE HILLS HAVE EYES PART II (1984)
Remake - THE HILLS HAVE EYES (2006)
Remake sequel - THE HILLS HAVE EYES II (2007)