47 METERS DOWN (2017)

Two "meh"-looking sisters (who never even get close to naked) are vacationing in Mexico.  One of them is depressed about her boyfriend breaking up with her for being "boring", so in a severely misguided attempt to look more fun (and somehow win him back), they decide to go cage diving with sharks.  With decision making skills like that, I think I can see why her boyfriend broke up with her.

Anyway, these two tired-of-living motherfuckers find a rinky-dink cage diving operation and before you can say "shark pussy", the cable has broken and they're 47 meters down up in this bish.  So, now stuck in a cage at the bottom of the ocean and surrounded by sharks, you'd expect for the filmmakers to amp up the intense drama and have the sisters fighting over oxygen and/or maybe admitting that "By the way, I fucked your boyfriend.", but no...instead the viewer is treated to an hour of these two dead fucks talking about their feelings and occasionally swimming around outside the cage.  It's all very lame and uneventful.  I watched the entire movie, but found myself daydreaming about other stuff like "How come there's never been a really slow-paced alien invasion story?" or "Susie (my cat) is gorgeous."

Zero nudity, zero thrills, zero imagination, talking underwater despite your ears being outside of your mask (is that even possible?), very little action or blood, slow pace, stupid decision after stupid decision, bland acting, completely unbelievable underwater action.

47 METERS DOWN is an okay time-waster, that I never want to watch ever again.  Here's hoping that any reboots or sequels are set in a nudist colony.

Part 2 - 47 Meters Down: Uncaged (2019)

MARK OF THE DEVIL (1970)

Long ago, in a town full of idiots and sadists lived the witchfinder, Albino.  For the last two years, Albino has engaged in a reign of terror, falsely accusing people of witchcraft for his own financial and sexual gains.  All of that comes crashing to an abrupt end when the prince unexpectedly sends in a new witchfinder, Lord Cumberland.  Unfortunately for the townsfolk...Cumberland is an even bigger dickneck than Albino!

Well, that sucks.  Almost as bad as this movie.  I remember seeing MARK OF THE DEVIL a few hundred years ago and thinking it sucked.  So, I watched it again for this review and it sucked even more than I remember it sucking.  It's definitely not the suckiest suck that ever did suck, it's just really boring!  The vast majority of the movie is annoyingly dubbed talking scenes and then when something finally does happen, it's either fake as hell looking or done offscreen.  Very little violence, a few lame tit scenes that were so poorly photographed that I didn't even bother taking screenshots, mannequins tied up and dropped into the fire, mediocre acting, irritating music that hurt my handsome brain, disappointing ending that made me want to dropkick the disc off the balcony.

Watch it if you want to, but I hope I never have to trudge through this snoozer ever again.  Skip it with a vengeance.

On a side note: during it's initial theatrical run, movie theaters gave out free promotional MARK OF THE DEVIL "sick bags" because the movie was supposedly so violence (I mean, it was "Rated V for Violence"!) that audience members risked barfing during the movie...if they had been more honest, they would have given out free MARK OF THE DEVIL pillows.  Amirite?  

Part 2 - Mark of the Devil Part II (1973)

Modern-day street sign covered up with a basket.