PROJECT GRIZZLY (1996)

Not to be confused with Werner Herzog's 2005 sad documentary GRIZZLY MAN, PROJECT GRIZZLY is the befuddling and unintentionally(?) humorous documentary about inventor Troy Hurtubise.  The film opens with Troy standing in a snowy field telling us about a wild bear encounter he had years ago.  Whether or not the bear story is actually true, I have no clue and it honestly doesn't matter.  What matters (as far as the film goes) is Troy got it in his unique brain that the world needs a "grizzly-proof" suit of armour.  A bear-proof suit in and of itself isn't a bad idea, but what makes Troy's suit so goddamn horrible and fucking awesome all at the same time, is: it's over 7 feet tall, weighs "a relatively light" 147 pounds, takes multiple people to get the user into it and once you're trapped inside this death trap...you can barely even move!  And even then, only on totally flat surfaces.  You might as well be locked inside a huge block of concrete.

At only 72 minutes, PROJECT GRIZZLY flies by quickly enough.  First, we're introduced to Troy and his suit, then some of the people in his life and the suit being tested, then finally comes to big final act where Troy and team go out into the wilderness to test out the suit on a live grizzly bear in the wild.  So, naturally, once out in the deep woods, the team talk loudly on walkie-talkies, fly a helicopter around, set off large fireworks, randomly fire off their guns, playing chess next to a large fire, light a cigarette with a burning log...you know, all the stuff that attracts wild animals.  Mysteriously enough, the insanely loud noises and cigarette smoke failed to convince any grizzly bears to attack Troy (who's not even in the suit) and the film simply ends.  It's really a perfect ending to a documentary that's pretty much about nothing.

I've seen PROJECT GRIZZLY a few times over the centuries and it always puts a smile on my handsome face.  Ridiculous premise, memorable characters (mainly Troy), shaving outside in the snow with a knife bigger than your face, the word "ay" used...a lot, forced laughing, riding around on the front of a forklift while somebody shoots sparks in your rugged face, awesome VHS footage of earlier versions of the suit being tested (hit with boards, tumbling down a steep hill, hit by a truck, etc.), good pace, dope 90's hair, singing and playing a guitar inside a fast-food joint, tons of scenes that looked staged, very unsafe driving skills.  PROJECT GRIZZLY is a fun ride and 100% worth watching for fans of quirky documentaries.  The only real complaint I have is it leaves you wanting more!

Might even make a good double-feature with the short doc THE RAINBOW MAN/JOHN 3:16.

If you need me, I'll be in my workshop working on my Wookalar-proof suit of armor, ay.

FROG-G-G! (2004)

[Insert low effort Kermit the Frog joke here.]  Chemical waste gets into a town's water supply and before you can say "Caterpillar penis spelt backwards is 'fuck this movie.'", a lone dude in a plastic frog outfit that looks like it came from the motherfuckin' Dollar Store is prancing and hopping around and raping women with his invisible frog dick. It's fucking horrible.

The main question I kept asking myself while watching FROG-G-G! is "What's the point of this movie?!"  Like literally...why was it made?  I'm not trying to be a smart aleck or funny.  I honestly want to know!  There's almost no story; the 80-minute runtime is torturous; at least 70% of the movie is (unneeded) talking scenes; almost zero action; there's very little nudity (and none of it any good); the body count, if you can even call it that, is like...two; the named actors touted on the DVD box (Mary Woronov and James Duval) combine together for about 30 seconds of screentime; the script should have been lit on fire and then thrown off a balcony; I don't even want to talk about the "acting"; an underused "Goth girl"; dim lighting; annoying music; also...there's only one frog monster and he's a fucking pussy!  The giant frog from YAKUZA APOCALYPSE would have kicked this dude's invisible frog nuts up around his ears.  Hell, the frog that Din Grogu ate in The Mandalorian would have beat this guy's ass.

But, you know what's worse than all of that?  I own this motherfucker! What dark and twisted turns did my life take that I ended up the owner of a FROG-G-G! DVD?  Own it or not, it'll be a long time before I sit through this lily pad lickin', tadpole molesting, frogfuck piece of toadshit ever again.