Monday, August 31, 2009

THE MORE THE MERRIER (1943)

It's hard to pick my favorite Jean Arthur film it'd probably be this or SHANE.  During WW2 Washington, DC had a housing shortage so Jean Arthur feels it's her patriotic duty to rent out the extra bedroom in her apartment. She intended on renting it to a female, but older gentleman Charles Coburn fast talks her and before she knows what's going on he's unpacking. Not knowing that she's engaged, Coburn decides to play Cupid and rents out half of his room to a military guy who's about to be shipped overseas, Joel McCrea. Romantic hijinks ensue...with Arthur not Coburn.

The story is pretty standard stuff, but watching these three together is a delight.  McCrea and Coburn's chemistry together is a lot of fun to watch and Arthur is simply wonderful. If you're a classic movie fan then this is a must watch. I would say buy it, but the DVD is kinda weak and some of the scenes have a lot of scratches. Until it's re-released with a remastered print I'd hold off on buying it.



A REAL YOUNG GIRL (1975)

Entertaining (in an artsy, boring, French kind of way), but ultimately forgettable story of a sexually curious 14 year-old girl who is home from school for a month. Her parents live way back in the country side. So bored with nothing to do she lays around half-naked and fantasizes about sex.

Wait!!! Don't get too excited just yet. Yea, that might sound like a set up for the hottest movie ever made, but unfortunately this girl's fantasies suck and not in a good way but in a mid-70's, unshaved, artistic kind of way. Tied up spread eagle on the beach some sickly chain smoking dude rubs earthworms on her private parts (yuck), her overweight father watches television with his wang hanging out (barf), the girl rams bird feathers up her bum and crawls around on all fours (huh?), hey, I feel like cramming a spoon in my snatch (what?). I don't get it. I just don't understand the meaning/symbolism of somebody puking all over herself then not even cleaning it up, but writing in her diary instead.

If you're looking for something artistic and hot then skip this dog and check out BELLE DE JOUR or maybe some Radley Metzger flicks.
The Original Dick in a Box?

Fuck that ocean!!!

Whatever you say honey.

A close up of a chicken slaughter. Lame.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

BORDERLAND (2008)

Foolishly I had hopes that BORDERLAND would at least be entertaining, but it wasn't. Right from the beginning I was annoyed with the weird overexposure effect that made it look like the entire movie was filmed in the glow of a nuclear explosion. Then comes the douche bag college douchers who I wanted to murder instantly. These annoying sacks of shit go down to Mexico for a drug-fueled night of whoring when they get caught up with a gang of drug dealing toughies who want to kill them as a sacrifice to the spirit gods. Good! Kill 'em. Make it painful.

Any potential this film had to not suck dick was blown by the weak special effects, the by-the-numbers script, the laughable fake tattoos and the shit direction by Zev Berman, who I'm going to do my best to avoid like the plague in the future. Watching this poser in the extras made me question the mental state of the financial backers of this film. They actually though this pussy could make a good horror film?

This movie is an insult to the horror genre. It's nowhere near mean-spirited enough to be scary...hell, one of the fucking hobbits from LOTR is a bad guy! C'mon. They did do good by casting a hot chick in a supporting role, but she never even got close to naked or even fucking topless.
Those tattoos look so real!

Hey dork, you're holding the gun crooked!

GHOST IN THE TEENY BIKINI (2006)

About as erotic as snapping a mousetrap down on your ping ding. When I saw that name GHOST IN A TEENY BIKINI I couldn't help but think all kinds of cool things, but GIATB didn't live up to any of them. It's just another standard softcore skin flick: low production values, horrible "script" filled with lame jokes, home movie quality acting, painful musical numbers (yes, there were three fucking songs! Barf!) and worst of all only one of the five females that get naked you would actually want to see naked. Christine Nguyen. Mmmm. She is very hot, but unless you're really goddamn desperate to bust a nut then she still it doesn't make this stinker worth watching.

For anybody who's keeping count there were five straight scenes and one lesbian scene. All snoozers and apparently directed by somebody with the sex drive of a wet carrot.
Yes, he's singing.

I'd wreck that shit.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

ILSA, HAREM KEEPER OF THE OIL SHEIKS (1976)

Well it didn't take long for the ILSA series to shit the bed. This follow-up to the classic SHE-WOLF OF THE SS finds Ilsa in an alternate universe and time where she is now living in the Middle East as the assistant to a ruthless oil sheik who likes to kidnap "attractive" females from all over the world and has his way with them.

The over the top craziness and campiness of the SHE WOLF is gone. Instead it looks like they were just trying to make a quick cash in on the popularity of the first film. In the opening scene a helicopter drops off some crates holding three new additions to the sheik's harem. They are quickly explained the rules and then taught the art of licking and massage. At the same time the sheik is auctioning off some of his older, worn out sluts and also entertaining some American dignitaries (one is even tricked into eating a human eyeball). This one American dude must have a Merlin cock or something because he instantly seduces Ilsa and this causes all kinds of trouble in the once peaceful household.

I'm sure the budget on the first film wasn't shit, but onscreen it looked much better than this clunker. More importantly the script for SHE WOLF was actually good, whereas this one is junk. The story just seemed like a bunch of scenes slapped together with no real continuity. It would have been better if the story had concentrated on one new slave girl and told her story for the entire movie instead of jumping around all over the joint.

If you're really bored then it's good for a one time watch, but be warned: none of the chicks that get naked are hot. In fact a few of them were so fucking fugly I had to look away.

I try to keep my page Safe For Work so here's a really cool NSFW poster.

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Tuesday, August 18, 2009

ILSA, SHE WOLF OF THE SS (1975)

The only thing Ilsa likes better than torturing people is fucking. Luckily for her as the Commandant of a Nazi prison camp she can do both nonstop! During the day she tortures the female prisoners with all kinds of horrible experiments (typhoid-infested maggots into open wounds, high pressure chamber, boiling, raping with a large electrified dildo, mutilation and much more) in an effort to prove that women can take as much pain as men and should therefore be allowed to be soldiers. Then to help unwind after a long day of torturing she brings a male prisoner to her quarters for some fuckmaking and you better fuck like your life depends on it cause it fucking does! If you don't knock the lining out of that shit and satisfy her completely she'll chop your goddamn dick off!!! Ohhh...I'm feeling queasy.

Obviously ILSA isn't everybody's cup of tea, but in it's own Reich, excuse me, right it's a very good film. The same cannot be said for 99% of Nazisploitation films. The thing that make this first ILSA movie so special is Dyanne Thornes's performance. She's hypnotic! I've seen her in a few other films (including the three other ILSA movies) and she's pretty good, but for whatever reason in this film she nails it! If the filmmakers had put anybody else in the role of Ilsa this film would be long forgotten by now.

That said, check it out! The picture on the DVD is good and there's even an audio commentary by Dyanne Thorne, director Don Edmunds and producer David Friedman.

Also during some of the outside talking scenes turn the volume up really loud and you can hear the sounds of a nearby highway. LOL.

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