Wednesday, March 16, 2011

THE HOUSE OF THE DEVIL (2009)

THE HOUSE OF THE DEVIL can proudly take it's place in "The Hall of Shitty Horror Movies That Are All Build-up and No Payoff" alongside such timeless turds as THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT, PARANORMAL ACTIVITY and 28 DAYS LATER.

Samantha (played by the beautiful Jocelin Donahue) needs money to help pay the rent. I just described the first 30 minutes of the movie. She takes a job babysitting an old woman and everything goes fine. Now we are at the 75 minute mark. No bullshit. Finally some shit happens and...it's nothing we haven't already seen 40+ years ago in ROSEMARY'S BABY. The End.

When I hear the name HOUSE OF THE DEVIL I'm thinking there's going to be some serious shit going down. I mean, the fucking Devil lives here for Christ's sake! But no, not much happens. Some bullets are fired, a little blood is spilled, a pizza is delivered and a few pentagrams are drawn. Sounds like what I would imagine a normal afternoon at Phil Anselmo's house would be like.

From what I read before I saw the movie it was filmed to look like an old 80's horror movie. That really excited me...until I remember that most 80's horror movies sucked. Yeah, there's some classic 80's fashions and great female hairstyles, but you need a goddamn story! Then, after watching it, I discovered the dude behind THOTD is the same guy who made CABIN FEVER 2 and it all made complete sense. This guy blows. He's 0 for 2 in my book and, who knows, maybe one day he'll do something great, but from what I've seen so far I don't think he couldn't make a good horror movie to keep his dick from falling off.

Barely any blood, zero scares, unoriginal story, loooong build-up, zero nudity, zero gore, zero suspense. Fucking skip it.
Special Thanks to Goatse and Tubgirl huh? Maybe they should have written the script. At least then you'd know there'd be one Hell of a payoff! Most likely it would have been a payoff about buttholes, but still it's something.