Wednesday, January 11, 2012

TURISTAS (2006)

A small group of twenty-something tourists (who incidentally within 30 seconds of them being on the screen I wanted to beat them all to death in the worse possible way...that's right: while listening to a Will Smith album) are in Brazil for a fun-filled vacation of boozing and boozing. These motherfuckers are the most ready to party motherfuckers you will ever see. Immediately after their bus rolls off the side of a mountain leaving them stranded they go boozin and swimming in the ocean instead of waiting on the replacement bus. Naturally they are drugged and robbed by the locals and so now with nothing but the clothes on their back what do they do? Follow some dude into the jungle and go swimming and partying in the fucking river! The party comes to an end though when their guide accidentally bashes his skull on a underwater rock. They carry the injured dude to a nearby house and act like they own the place: eating all the food, taking showers, stealing the clothes, drinking all the booze, raiding the medicine cabinet and even giving human food to the fucking dog! Jesus fucking Christ! What if the dog was on a special diet?! Anyway, it's Bad News Bears for them though because the house just happens to belong to a human organ harvester (!!!) who, when he returns, is more than willing to let them repay the damages they did to his crib with their fucking kidneys and livers.

TURISTAS might have an promising premise, but the execution is so lightweight that it's actually more of a dramatic thriller than a horror movie. There's nothing scary going on, just a bunch of annoying douchers being chased around by a non-scary looking dude and his boring helpers...and that's only during the final act of the movie! The first hour of the film is nonstop talking and walking and boozing and swimming and more talking.

I didn't hate the film. I just found the entire thing extremely boring. Skip it with a vengeance and never look back. You will gain absolutely nothing by watching this by-the-numbers snoozer.
Wow. A long, drawn out, poorly lit underwater swimming chase/fight scene. How exciting!