Sunday, June 9, 2013


I've never really thought of Meryl Streep as an action star, but here she is splashing around, leg muscles pumping while saving her family from some bad guys.

Meryl Streep loves floating around on the river, so much so she takes her twerp son, her city slicker husband and her awesome dog on a rafting trip.  Things go as expected: the son is an annoying little bastard, the husband is confused and the dog is awesome.  Then, in a plot twist that's telegraphed from the moment they get to the river, some of the other rafters are actually criminals that have just pulled off a big heist and even killed some people!  Soon, Streep and family are taken hostage by the bad guys, who want Streep to guide them past some really dangerous rapids further down the river in an attempt to out maneuver the coppers.

Zero nudity, zero gore, low violence, very little tension, zero cussing, John C. Reilly's belly, Kevin Bacon topless, beautiful scenery, Lollapalooza hat, Ministry hat, solid acting, good pace, beautiful scenery.  Maybe one day somebody will remake this with a darker storyline filled with sexual violence, wet t-shirts, no kid, ultra revenge violence, gore, a Cannibal Corpse hat and another awesome dog.

Despite some holes in the story (husband outrunning the river, John C. Reilly as threatening, etc.) I enjoyed THE RIVER WILD for what it is: a satisfying mid-90's thriller/lazy afternoon timewaster. Double-feature with SHOOT TO KILL.