Sunday, June 9, 2013

THE RIVER WILD (1994)

I've never really thought of Meryl Streep as an action star, but here she is splashing around, leg muscles pumping while saving her family from some bad guys.

Meryl Streep loves floating around on the river so she takes her twerp son, her grumpy city slicker husband and her awesome dog on a rafting trip.  Things go as expected: the son is an annoying little bastard, the husband thinks about work all the time and the dog is awesome!  I wish the movie had just been about her and the dog.  Anyway, in a plot twist that's telegraphed from the moment they get to the river, some other rafters are actually criminals that have just pulled off a big heist and even killed some people.  Soon Streep and family are taken hostage by the bad guys who want Streep to guide them past some really dangerous rapids further down the river in an attempt to out maneuver the coppers.

Despite some massive holes in the unoriginal storyline (husband outrunning the river, John C. Reilly as threatening) I enjoyed THE RIVER WILD for what it is: a standard safe mid-90's thriller.  Zero nudity, zero gore, very little violence, zero tension, zero cussing, John C. Reilly's belly, Kevin Bacon topless, beautiful scenery, Lollapalooza hat, Ministry hat.  Maybe one day somebody will remake this with a darker storyline filled with sexual violence undertones, wet t-shirts, no kid, ultra revenge violence, gore, a Cannibal Corpse hat and another awesome dog.