Saturday, June 7, 2014

THE FOG (1980)

Turn down the air condition and set your alarm clock...The Sleep Fog is coming!

The small coastal town of Antonio Bay is turning 100 years-old.  To commemorate this occasion the townsfolk (all 40 or so of them) gather in a parking lot and light candles.  Sounds like fun.  At the same time the ghosts of a leper colony that was massacred 100 years ago rise from their watery graves and start wreckin' shit.  And by "wreckin' shit" I mean they make lights turn on/off, set off car alarms, break windows and kill five people.  Five whole people.  How exciting!  Especially exciting when you can't really see any of the kills because of all the goddamn fog!

I'm not sure why THE FOG is so favorably remembered.  It's currently at 6.8/10 on IMDb, but it should be more like a 3/10.  The movie blows.  Looking at the posters, blu-ray/DVD covers, etc. you're expecting a small town overrun by a fog that rolls in concealing a shuffling horde of pirate zombies hellbent on ripping off the faces and dicks of every human in town while ramming a cargo hook up their assholes.  Instead we get a turtle-speed story about a lame radio DJ smoothtalkin' over dickless smooth jazz while in town nothing happens.  Just a bunch of bullshit we've all seen a million times: knocking sounds, talking around a fire, hands busting through windows, numerous references to other horror stuff, lights flickering, glass shattering, mysterious shadows, a truck getting stuck in the mud, creeping around, glowing eyes, spooky voices, yawning...oh wait, that was me.

If you're curious to see what horror stuff John Carpenter did after his legendary HALLOWEEN then it's worth checking out to satisfy your curiosity, but if you're looking to see what horror stuff John Carpenter did after his legendary HALLOWEEN that was actually worth a fuck then you'd be better off watching THE THING or PRINCE OF DARKNESS.  If you need me I'll be in my room reading Brian Keene & J. F. Gonzalez' "Clickers III" or maybe exploring Fallout 4's Far Harbor with Dogmeat.

2005 remake

Californians(?) [???] my college [???] to work writing dumb shit in this fucking movies props, Being one. It's time to bring in the the words guide or the big tits, tatoos and shaved beavers. [???] know horny [???] would go [???] of that