Saturday, June 14, 2014

THE FOG (2005)

So when the producers of this movie looked at the final draft of this script they were like "Ahhh yeah, this is it.  This is the movie we want to make."?  It boggles the mind.  How could anybody have been happy with this soulless garbage.  It's nothing.  Sadly, this remake cost $18M and ended up bringing in $46M worldwide.

Just like in the original stinker the residents of Antonio Island (it was a coastal town in the original) are celebrating their 100th birthday, but it ends up the town was created using money stolen from a leper colony the founders massacred.  Interesting idea.  I can just see a horde of leper zombies rising from their watery graves and slaughtering the entire town.  Tearing out intestines, crushing skulls, impaling people on spikes and then parading them around town, gouging dudes eyeballs out and then ripping their testicles off and sticking the testicles in their eyeholes...you know, normal leper zombie stuff.  Unfortunately all we get is a dude and his hot girlfriend thinking something weird is going on. Then a reimagining of all the lame shit that happened in the first movie.  Even some of the same lines are reused.  Boooring.  The biggest differences are the lame CG ghosts and the dumb as hell ending.  And I mean dumb!  Other than that it's the same slow-moving snoozefest as the first movie.

Zero horror, boring story, zero gore, zero blood, zero nudity, generic bad guys and one of the most unsatisfying endings of all time.  THE FOG remake is a total waste of time.  Skip it.  If you need me I'll be in my room reading J. F. Gonzalez' "Clickers".

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