ONCE WERE WARRIORS (1994)

[Update 05/31/2020: Would love to rewatch this film and update this review. It needs it!]

Brutal, but compelling tale of a family bullied by their alcoholic husband/father.  When he's sober (which isn't very often), he seems kinda okay, but the threat of violence and his quick temper makes him a time bomb capable of going off at any moment.  With this psychopath in charge, the entire family lives in terror and the younger children pretty much paralyzed by fear 24 hours a day.  The older children just want to escape.

The violence in ONCE WERE WARRIORS isn't for everybody, but as depressing as it is (and it is depressing), OWW isn't a total downer.  There's funny moments and while the mother, for whatever stupid fucking reason, loves her caveman husband she does possess a inner-strength that is commendable.

Strong performances by all of the leads.  Highly recommended, especially for fans of gritty dysfunctional family films.

TO ROME WITH LOVE (2012)

Boring.  After the delightful MIDNIGHT IN PARIS I had hopes that Woody was back on his A game, but no, those hopes were quickly dashed only a few minutes into this snoozer.  Set in Rome, TO ROME WITH LOVE tells four different stories...

• An average everyday guy is suddenly famous for no other reason than being famous.  His every move is scrutinized day and night and the paparazzi follow him everywhere.  How original.

• A dweeby nerd has the hots for his girlfriend's shallow best friend.  Yawn.

• A nerd is suppose to take his girlfriend on some kind of job interview/sightseeing tour/dinner party thing or something, but his gf gets lost walking to the hair salon, so he takes a prostitute instead.  At the same time, his girlfriend goes to lunch with a movie star, but ends up sleeping with a hotel burglar.  o_O

• Woody Allen and wife go to Rome to see their daughter's fiancee.  Once there Woody is impressed by the boyfriend's father's singing voice while in the shower, so he pulls some strings and gets the guy to sing on stage...in a shower.  Heh.

TRWL is Allen completely on auto-pilot.  There isn't a single funny, insightful or original moment in the entire film.  If you're a fan of Allen's then everything is gonna feel like a watered-down version of something you've already seen before.  It's as boring and lifeless as can be...but it's still light years better than that horrible MELINDA AND MELINDA.  Skip it and never look back.

TEN TALL MEN (1951)

Mildly interesting early Burt Lancaster flick with Burt as a member of the French Foreign Legion who finds himself imprisoned due to punching his commanding officer (he was beating a woman).  Finally he's released...to lead a bunch of guys on a suicide mission to distract an advancing army for five days until reinforcements arrive.  After locating the enemy camp Burt discovers that two rival factions are joining force based upon an upcoming marriage.  Burt and gang kidnap the bride to be.  She's like a wild animal and tries to kill them at every turn (even crushing one dude with a horse), but once she gets a gander at Burt's baby blues she melts like butter.

For an old timey Saturday afternoon time waster TEN TALL MEN to alright.  The pace is okay, the acting passable, the action scenes forgettable, the Morocco settings look a lot like Southern California (including that cave that's been in like a million movies), the Moroccan people don't look very Moroccan and the comedy absolutely terrible.  It would have been much better if they had skipped the unfunny comedy bits and just made it a serious action movie.  Worth a watch for Lancaster fans.  Everybody else should probably just pass.