HEDWIG AND THE ANGRY INCH (2001)

"...the pain that cuts a straight line down through the heart. We call it love."

Raised in East Germany during the Cold War, a young Hansel Schmidt found mental escape and inspiration from listening to glam rockers like Lou Reed, Iggy Pop and David Bowie. He then found actual real life escape by marrying an American soldier and moving to America. Unfortunately, in order to pass the physical to get married, he underwent a botched reassignment surgery that left her with a one inch lump of skin where his ping-ding used to be.  Once in America, the marriage (built on such a strong foundation) fails and Hansel (now Hedwig) starts performing original songs in whatever small venue will have her.  That is where our tale begins.

I absolutely love HEDWIG AND THE ANGRY INCH...all the way up until the Tommy Gnosis character shows up. I felt that way two decades ago when I first saw this film and I've felt it the dozen or so times I've watched it again over the years.  It starts out so strong and just gets better and better!  One great song after another, each presented in such imaginative ways that effortlessly pushes the story forward.  Then Tommy Gnosis shows up and the movie putters to an unsatisfactory end.  It's disappointing.  Still, I love the character of Hedwig.  And her band (even though they aren't the focus of the film) are all so unique and likable.  Another positive thing is I cannot even decide which song I love the most.  They're all so great!  Wig in a Box, Angry Inch, Tear Me Down, Sugar Daddy, The Origin of Love, Wicked Little Town, Midnight Radio, In Your Arms Tonight, Exquisite Corpse...I mean, goddamn, how can one musical have so many awesome songs?!  If I had to pick just one performance from the film, I'd have to say Sugar Daddy.  The song with it's Country twang is great and the performance in the film is beyond charming and funny.  I smile my handsome smile the entire time.  "It's a car wash, ladies and gentlemen."  Holy shit, that scene is perfect.

Long story, short: HEDWIG AND THE ANGRY INCH is a great film and 100% mandatory for anybody who loves glam musicals.  I personally find the last act to be disappointing, but who knows, maybe you'll love it. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go spend the rest of the day singing the soundtrack to my cat, Susie. "I put on some make-up..."

[I just wanted to add that Michael Pitt does a fine job in his portrayal of the Tommy Gnosis character, I just straight-up didn't think the character needed to be in the film at all.  Hedwig's personal journey was already enough material for a film.]

PENINSULA (2020)

Four years after the original zombie outbreak in TRAIN TO BUSAN, gangsters send an armed team of thieves into a zombie populated area of South Korea in order to steal a truck containing 20 million US duckets.  That sounds like a promising idea, but instead of a high-stakes heist film set in a gore-drenched world that looks like a gnarly death metal album cover...all we get is a slow-moving, zero imagination, snoozefest that probably features more screentime of people crying than it does of actual zombies.  Not that the zombies were worth a shit or even memorable.

Honestly, if you and I were talking in real life I could probably ramble on with you about this clunker for hours, but sitting here alone and all fucking depressed after watching this life-draining piece of shit, I just want to put the entire experience behind me and forget this movie even exists.  Skip it with a vengeance.  I wish I had.

Prequel - Seoul Station (2016)
Part 1 - Train to Busan (2016)

FANTASY ISLAND (2020)

I dislike this movie. Not because it's a bad movie (I can deal with that), but because it had the impressive idea of turning the Fantasy Island story into a horror movie and then…did absolutely nothing with it! A talented group of writers could run with this idea forever. There’s no end to the insane things that could go on: zombies, wokalars, zombie wokalars, cannibals, millions of bizarre kink fetishes, Buffy the Vampire Slayer in The Walking Dead universe, Jack the Ripper versus Midsomer Murders on the Titanic, dogs and cats living together, Saw versus Fast and Furious, Chucky at the Gettysburg Address…it could go on for eternity!! So, with trillions of awesome story ideas at their disposal, what did the filmmakers choose as their introductory story to really grab the audience’s attention and get this sucker to be the start of a multi-billion dollar horror franchise?! I bet it’s gonna be zombies attacking a nudist colony next to a chainsaw factory! I’m so excited!!!

Oh. It’s just your standard, zero imagination, soulless bullshit about an annoying group of ultra-douchers who show up to a tropical island resort with some lame ass fantasies.  Then the unremarkable guy who runs the island does some kind of weakass Wishmaster shenanigans and twists their already boring fantasies into, I guess, a horror fantasy or something.  I don't know.  This entire movie is a fucking mess.  I don't even think it can even be correctly categorized as "horror".

Zero nudity, zero scares, crap direction, a beautiful island setting somehow presented in the blandest way possible, very little blood or violence, a convoluted story that I wanted to drop a krampus on, lifeless acting by a forgettable cast (Michael Rooker had a small part, but was wasted), dead pacing because nothing ever happened the entire movie. Honestly, I cannot even think of a single reason to waste your time on this stinker. You'll lie on your death bed and regret it. Skip it.