I dislike this movie. Not because it's a bad movie (I can deal with that),
but because it had the impressive idea of turning the Fantasy Island story into a horror movie and then…did absolutely
nothing with it! A
talented group of writers could run with this idea forever. There’s no end to
the insane things that could go on: zombies, wokalars, zombie wokalars, cannibals, millions of bizarre kink
fetishes, Buffy the Vampire Slayer in The Walking Dead universe, Jack the Ripper
versus Midsomer Murders on the Titanic, dogs and cats living together, Saw
versus Fast and Furious, Chucky at the Gettysburg Address…it could go on for
eternity!! So, with trillions of awesome story ideas at their disposal, what did
the filmmakers choose as their introductory story to
really grab the
audience’s attention and get this sucker to be the start of a multi-billion
dollar horror franchise?! I bet it’s gonna be zombies attacking a nudist colony
next to a chainsaw factory! I’m
so excited!!!
Oh. It’s just your standard, zero imagination, soulless bullshit about an
annoying group of ultra-douchers who show up to a tropical island resort with
some lame ass fantasies. Then the unremarkable guy who runs the island
does some kind of weakass Wishmaster shenanigans and twists their already boring
fantasies into, I guess, a horror fantasy or something. I don't
know. This entire movie is a fucking mess. I don't even think it can
even be correctly categorized as "horror".
Zero nudity, zero scares, crap direction, a beautiful island setting somehow presented in the blandest way
possible, very little blood or violence, a convoluted story that I wanted to drop a krampus on, lifeless acting by a forgettable cast (Michael Rooker had a
small part, but was wasted), dead pacing because nothing ever happened the entire movie. Honestly, I cannot even think of a single reason to
waste your time on this stinker. You'll lie on your death bed and regret it. Skip
it.
