HOUSE (1985)

Overly-convoluted haunted house story about a struggling writer (William Katt) who returns to his childhood home (that is now haunted) to write an autobiographical novel about his experiences in the Vietnam War.  That alone should be enough story to fill a solid well-written ghost story movie, but no...on top of that Katt is coming to terms with the suicide of his grandmother and a recent divorce that stemmed from the disappearance of their child!  Jesus!  But even worse than all of that are his two annoying neighbors!!!  First off, you got Norm from "Cheers" constantly pestering Katt and poking into his business (even calling Katt's ex-wife!) and the woman from across the street that goes swimming in Katt's pool (without permission) and then simply dumps off her child and leaves!  What the hell?

I'd be willing to forgive the needless story elements and maybe even the annoying neighbors if HOUSE delivered a scary as Hell ghost story, but that doesn't happen.  Not even close.  Instead of actually being scary, HOUSE is a weak horror comedy without any laughs.  The best thing HOUSE has going for it is that awesome poster, a brief appearance by Mindy Sterling and some 80's nostalgia.  Other than that I was bored for the entire movie.  Zero gore, zero blood, zero nudity, average looking monsters, boring ghost world, beautiful house, weak ending, low violence.  Somehow, HOUSE was rated R, but it could probably pass for PG nowadays.

I sat down to watch HOUSE hoping to enjoy a cool 80's horror flick like NIGHT OF THE CREEPS or FRIGHT NIGHT, but ended up being bored into fits of explosive yawning.  Now I remember why I only watched this once back in 1986 and never watched it again!  Skip it.

Part 2 - House II: The Second Story (1987)
Part 3 - The Horror Show (1989)
Part 4 - House IV (1992)

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SATANICO PANDEMONIUM (1975)

One day the virtuous Sister Maria is picking flowers outside the convent when suddenly she sees the Devil (in human form) naked as a jaybird. She runs away but it's too late because she's already caught in his spell and soon goes bonkers.  Her rejection of Christ rampage starts out innocently enough with Maria throwing her prayer book on the floor and a little sinful licking, but before you know it she's killing other nuns and even rapes the stable boy before burning him to death!

SATANICO PANDEMONIUM maybe not as wild as some in the "nunsploitation" genre, but it's still an entertaining 70's flick with a medium pace, good acting, mild violence, nice sets and a story that might(?) not even be that offensive to open-minded Christians, (except for the nudity) thanks to Lucifer himself being blamed for everything.

Worth a watch for fans of such things, but nothing to get overly excited about. If you need me I'll be in my room trying to figure out how that one guy in the poster is not burning the shit out of his hand on that funnel.