Monday, July 27, 2009

CROWS ZERO (2007)

Takashi Miike has been going a little soft the last few years and it makes me a sad. As far as I can remember the last really great thing he did was GOZU and that was in 2003! Yea, I know he did IZO, ONE MISSED CALL and segments of THREE...EXTREMES and "Masters of Horror"  but none of that exploded my brain out the back of my head like his earlier films (THE HAPPINESS OF THE KATAKURIS, VISITOR Q and DEAD OR ALIVE) did. CROWS ZERO doesn't put an end to the weak streak.

Nobody in the history of Suzuran All-Boys High School has "conquered" the entire school, but newcomer Takiya is going to try and change that shit. His father is the head of a large yakuza family and he informed Takiya that if he can defeat all of the gangs of Suzuran then he will put him in charge of the syndicate when he comes of age. That sounds pretty cool and there is nonstop violence from beginning to end, but still I never really got into the film. The fist fights are just ridiculous cause sometimes it'll be 50 on 1 (no bullshit) and later that evening the loser is just walking around like normal except he has a few bandages on. Also there's no guns, it's all fist fights with no consequences towards the losers.

To be honest I think this film is actually geared towards towards teenage girls. I could be wrong, but the entire cast is made up of pretty boys who alternate between standing around looking thoughtful/sensitive then two seconds later punching each other in the rain.

It says Takashi Miike on the credits and I found some footage on YouTube of Miike actually directing the movie, but there's never any unique "Oh shit! Takashi's a fucking badass!" moments in this film. It's an interesting watch, but I doubt I will ever watch it again. Strangely enough though I'm looking forward to part 2.
Ahh yes..."Pee Sex".

You see those wrinkles in my forehead? That means I'm sensitive.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

SCHOOL'S OUT (1999)

I would be hard-pressed to think of a stupider Final Girl in a slasher movie than the ignorant bitch in SCHOOL'S OUT. It's bad enough that there's zero blood, zero gore, no hot chicks, no suspense and no logic but then they have to insult us even further with a Final Girl who's fat and so dumb that I doubt she could even make a bowl of cereal without getting one of her friend's killed.

A small group of teenage nerds go to their high school at night to prepare some pranks on their teachers. Once there some strange shit goes on and suddenly a dork in a harlequin costume (how scary!!!) starts chasing them around with a large pair of scissors. That might sound exciting, I guess, but it's not. Everybody just stands around like jackasses until they're all dead and we're left with the Final Girl. I'm not one to normally yell at the TV, but with this bitch I couldn't help it. It's really unbelievable. If you want I'll tell you...[SPOILERS!!!] At the very end the two killers are in a room with the Final Girl. Only one of the killers has a weapon (a knife) and the other is bleeding to death. The Final Girl has a loaded gun!!!! She does nothing and one of the killers even ends up killing somebody else who comes in the room! [End of spoilers.]

Don't watch this film. It has absolutely nothing going for it. One week after seeing it you won't remember anything except the disappointment you felt while watching it. Skip it.
Nice camera flash effect...


Picture on the DVD looks like shit.

PIRANHA II: THE SPAWNING (1981)

Click on that poster.  Click on it!!!  [waiting...]  Did you see that?!  That's like one of the most awesome horror movie posters of all time.  Unfortunately, for us idiots who fell for it, the movie itself sucks total fucking balls.   The first movie was just ok (and it had an awesome poster also), so you would have thought that I learned my lesson, but no I go into Part 2 thinking about how promising that poster looks and it crap.  Very little action, mostly shot in the dark and the shots of the wire-flying piranhas are so quick you can barely even see what's going on.  Very disappointing.

The only saving grace in this clusterfuck is it has an early performance by Lance Henriksen.  Skip it.

Part 1

Reboot 1
Reboot 2

PIRANHA (1978)

Highly aggressive mutated piranhas + 70's swimwear fashions = pure kickass! ...or so you would hope. In reality the whole thing is pretty tame. Some fish get loose and nibble on various people. It's just interesting enough to keep you watching, but nowhere even remotely as cool as that poster. The fish are normal size and you never even get a good look at them.

The film starts out with two idiot hikers breaking into a posted "No Trespassing" government facility, they see a huge tank of liquid and just jump in. It could have been a pool full of giraffe urine, but these fuckers don't care. Ends up instead of giraffe urine it was actually full of salt water and mutated piranhas.

A investigator is sent to find the two idiots so now she breaks into the facility and without consulting anybody drains the pool into a river. In my opinions that makes her responsible for the death and injury of every person who ends up getting attacked by the piranhas. Anyway now the fish are loose and they just eat the fuck out of everybody. They even somehow kill a dude who was sitting on a dock with his feet in the water. Hint: pull your goddamn feet out of the water!

It goes on like that until the end. Blood, zero CGI special effects, brief nipples, funky 70's bodies, humorous attack scenes, funny pronunciation of the word "piranha". Worth a watch, but just don't expect too much. My biggest complaint is there were no hot chicks. P.J. Soles was at her hottest in 1978 (one year before ROCK N ROLL HIGH SCHOOL) and she would have added some much needed excitement that this film lacks.

Part 2
Reboot 1
Reboot 2

I'm no professional water skier, but that line looks a little slack.

It will take that asshole all day to inflate that lounge.