Monday, January 31, 2011

ZOMBIE 4: AFTER DEATH (1988)

There's so many wonderful movies out there - UGETSU, THE BIG SKY, THE STORY OF THE LAST CHRYSANTHEMUMS, CINEMA PARADISO, THE SEARCHERS, INTERIORS, THE HUMAN CONDITION, THE AWFUL TRUTH (1937), ARSENIC AND OLD LACE, WALL-E, LOVE CRAZY (1941), THE MIRACLE OF MORGAN'S CREEK, THE VIRGIN SPRING, JOYSTICKS etc. - that I haven't reviewed, but yet I waste my time with junk like ZOMBIE 4: AFTER DEATH. I have to have a mental problem...but at least I laugh a lot, because that's all this movie is fucking good for: laughing at it!

This is a complete guess at the story since I never fully figured it out: a bunch of people run around while being chased by zombies. The End. I should also note that the zombies actually looked more like burnt ninjas than actual zombies because for some reason all of the zombies wore full body black clothing and jumped around nonstop like grasshoppers. The death scenes were laughable, the special effects were terrible, zero nudity, zero gore, lots and lots of vomiting, a gay porn star as the main actor, slow walking zombies, gun shooting zombies, running like a scalded ass ape zombies, talking zombies, jumping zombies. Tons of laughs, but zero scares. My advice is to avoid this funny turd, but if you insist on seeing it then just rent it.
Why would anybody ever need that many pockets on a vest? What could you possibly put in there?


THE BURROWERS (2008)

I'll be damned. This movie was actually alright. When I rented it I figured it would individually suck every dick this side of the Mississippi, but I was wrong.

The Dakota Territories, 1879. Borrowing heavily from THE SEARCHERS a girl is kidnapped in the dead of night from her frontier home. The young man who's be courtin' her rounds up a posse and they go off in search of the Indians who took her...except it wasn't Indians, it was some gross underground humanoid creatures that when it attack it paralyzes you with some puss, then buries you alive (except for your face) and you slowly get all gooey and then they return and eat you alive.

The movie is not great, by any stretch of the imagination, just above average, but the thing that really makes this film stand out above 99% of modern horror movies is (1) the director has talent and (2) the actors can actually act...not just run around in circles screaming like fucking idiots (HATCHET I'm looking at you, asshole). If you expect a nonstop bloodbath you're going to be disappointed, there's a lot of build-up, but if you like a little story along with your monster attacks then this is definitely a good rent.

Friday, January 28, 2011

SLEEPAWAY CAMP (1983)

Awwww yes summer's here again at Camp Arawak. Volleyball, softball, camping, swimming and murder!!! Who could the murderer be? The guy with the really short shorts? The other guy with the really short shorts? The slutty chick with the shorts pulled up nearly to her tits? The child molesting cook? The counselor molesting camp owner? The guy with the cobra iron-on shirt?  The cop with the iron-on mustache? There's tons of suspects, but you'd have to be a complete retard to not figure it out within the first few minutes. That doesn't take away from the fun though, because SLEEPAWAY CAMP is pure 80's cheese. It's a horror movie, yes, but for whatever reason there's just a great sense of light-heartedness surrounding the whole thing.

As far as camp slashers go SLEEPAWAY CAMP is a blast and probably the closest the world will ever see as to what might have happened if John Waters had jumped on the camp slasher bandwagon back in the early 80's. Waters had nothing to do with SLEEPAWAY CAMP, but whenever I watch it I can't help but to think of him because there's a lot of his calling cards in here: gay stuff, cross dressing, strange clothes and campy dialogue.

Small amount of blood, zero gore, zero nudity, buckets of laughs, the largest cooking pot I've ever seen, water balloon fight on a roof, a Blue Oyster Cult t-shirt, heart-pounding softball action, the world's fakest looking mustache and the immortal exchange "Eat shit and die, Ricky!" "Eat shit and live, Bill." Check it out! If you don't like it, then you're probably taking life too seriously. Required viewing.

You can see his goddamn pecker!

Thursday, January 27, 2011

A LONELY COW WEEPS AT DAWN (2003)

Hollywood might be out of idea, but Japan fucking isn't! An old farmer is going senile, so instead of shipping him off to an old folk's home to die, his widowed daughter-in-law (who lives with him) runs out to the barn each morning before him, strips naked and takes the place of his favorite (now dead) cow, Bessie.

That's some weird fucking shit, but somehow this movie still comes off as being sweet. With a better cast and fewer pointless sex scenes it might have actually been touching...it's not often you'll hear me asking for less sex scenes, but I found myself not caring about the sex and being more interested in the story and the bizarre emotional bond that's developed between the old senile man and his daughter-in-law. I would love to see a serious remake of this film, not as a sex movie, but an actual drama...or maybe just a completely over-the-top gross-out comedy.

That said, I really can't recommend this movie. It's definitely unique, but the story is too slow and the sex scenes where very boring.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

DEVIL (2010)

Five strangers are trapped in a elevator together. One of them might actually be Satan! LOL. How retarded.

Being that M. Night Shyamalan wrote this you automatically know it's going to have more twists than an octopus orgy. And what's funny is the red herrings he throws out are more interesting than the actual ending! If this movie had thrown the supernatural aspect in the garbage and just did a straight murder mystery it would have been way better. The Devil horseshit should have been the red herring not the other way around.

Good acting, nice beginning, strong middle, crappy ending. Zero nudity, very little violence, a few drops of blood. Worth a rent, but that's it. It was better than I expected, but only mildly entertaining. Even at only 80 minutes it was too long. Trim off 20 minutes, drop the supernatural silliness and recut it as an episode of "Masters of Horror" or some other horror anthology show. Also how many people in this movie guest starred on "Six Feet Under"? At least three.
VOMIT!!!!!!!