Monday, January 31, 2011

ZOMBIE 4: AFTER DEATH (1988)

There's so many wonderful movies out there that I haven't reviewed, but yet I waste my time with junk like ZOMBIE 4: AFTER DEATH. I have to have a mental problem...but at least I laugh a lot, because that's all this movie is fucking good for: laughing at it!

This is a complete guess at the story since I never fully figured it out: a bunch of people run around while being chased by zombies. The End. I should also note that the zombies actually looked more like burnt ninjas than actual zombies because for some reason all of the zombies wore full body black clothing and jumped around nonstop like grasshoppers. The death scenes were laughable, the special effects were terrible, zero nudity, zero gore, lots and lots of vomiting, a gay porn star as the main actor, slow walking zombies, gun shooting zombies, running like a scalded ass ape zombies, talking zombies, jumping zombies. Tons of laughs, but zero scares. My advice is to avoid this funny turd, but if you insist on seeing it then just rent it.
Why would anybody ever need that many pockets on a vest? What could you possibly put in there?

THE BURROWERS (2008)

I'll be damned. This movie was actually alright. When I rented it I figured it would individually suck every dick this side of the Mississippi, but I was wrong.

The Dakota Territories, 1879. Borrowing heavily from THE SEARCHERS a girl is kidnapped in the dead of night from her frontier home. The young man who's be courtin' her rounds up a posse and they go off in search of the Indians who took her...except it wasn't Indians, it was some gross underground humanoid creatures that when it attack it paralyzes you with some puss, then buries you alive (except for your face) and you slowly get all gooey and then they return and eat you alive.

The movie is not great, by any stretch of the imagination, just above average, but the thing that really makes this film stand out above 99% of modern horror movies is (1) the director has talent and (2) the actors can actually act...not just run around in circles screaming like fucking idiots (HATCHET I'm looking at you, asshole). If you expect a nonstop bloodbath you're going to be disappointed, there's a lot of build-up, but if you like a little story along with your monster attacks then this is definitely a good rent.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

A LONELY COW WEEPS AT DAWN (2003)

Hollywood might be out of ideas, but Japan ain't! An elderly farmer is going senile, so instead of shipping him off to an old folk's home to die, his widowed daughter-in-law (who lives with him) runs out to the barn each morning before him, strips naked and takes the place of his favorite (now dead) cow, Bessie.

That's some weird shit, but somehow this movie still comes off as being sweet. With a better cast and fewer pointless sex scenes it might have actually been touching...it's not often you'll hear me asking for less sex scenes, but I found myself not caring about the sex and being more interested in the story and the bizarre emotional bond that's developed between the old senile man and his daughter-in-law. I would love to see a serious remake of this film, not as a sex movie, but an actual drama.

That said, I really can't recommend this movie. It's definitely unique, but the story is too slow and the sex scenes where very boring.

Here's the NSFW screenshots you were looking for.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

DEVIL (2010)

Five strangers are trapped in a elevator together. One of them might actually be Satan! LOL. How retarded.

Being that M. Night Shyamalan wrote this you automatically know it's going to have more twists than an octopus orgy. And what's funny is the red herrings he throws out are more interesting than the actual ending! If this movie had thrown the supernatural aspect in the garbage and just did a straight murder mystery it would have been way better. The Devil horseshit should have been the red herring not the other way around.

Good acting, nice beginning, strong middle, crappy ending. Zero nudity, very little violence, a few drops of blood. Worth a rent, but that's it. It was better than I expected, but only mildly entertaining. Even at only 80 minutes it was too long. Trim off 20 minutes, drop the supernatural silliness and recut it as an episode of "Masters of Horror" or some other horror anthology show. Also how many people in this movie guest starred on "Six Feet Under"? At least three.
VOMIT!!!!!!!

HANDS ON A HARD BODY (1997)

I rented this thinking it was going to be a gay porno/drama about a TV evangelist who's called in to "degay" a world famous gay bodybuilder by laying hands on him and speaking in tongues, but it's not that at all! It's actually a fun little documentary about a "Hands on a Hard Body" contest where a bunch of hillbillies stand around a truck with one hand on it until everybody gives up and there's only one left. The winner gets the truck.

That might sound boring, but it was actually kind of exciting with the introduction of 24 contestants who naturally all, at the beginning, were talking shit and going on about their full proof plan on how they were going to win and everybody else sucked. Then as the clock ticked away so did the players one by one dropping off like flies. Some by exhaustion and others by sheer stupidity. Finally after two days latched by a invisible force to this truck people started getting fucking loopy. It was a fascinating experiment on human nature and all the strange changes your body goes through when you start putting it in extreme conditions.

Looked on Google and found a story about some guy in 2005, who right around the 48 hour mark, left, broke into a nearby Kmart, grabbed a shotgun and killed himself! Holy fuck! LOL. That sounds crazy, but definitely believable cause there was one girl in this movie who left the truck, couldn't even talk and just walked off down the road like a deranged zombie.

If you can find a copy, it's a great watch. I wish they would make this into a TV show.

TRASH HUMPERS (2009)

Four yutes, wearing what look like Grandpa masks from the original TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE, film themselves going around dry humping trash cans and mailboxes and trees and concrete walls and refrigerators and dumpsters and anything else they can clamp onto. They also dance around and destroy shit. At 30 minutes this would have been hilarious, but at 78 it gets old. Especially the scenes where everybody is just standing around doing nothing. There is no plot or story, the entire thing is made to look like, I guess found footage, that was filmed on an old VHS camera.

I like the concept and I'm a fan of Harmony, but TRASH HUMPERS comes off as if he's trying too hard to be different. But at least it's better than MORDUM which was pretty much the same film except that it went waaaaaaay over the top and made me want to commit suicide...by exploding every nuclear bomb on the planet at once.

Plus points for being different, minus points for not being that original at being different.

JOAN RIVERS: A PIECE OF WORK (2010)

Did you know that Joan Rivers was the narrator of 'The Adventures of Letterman' on 650 episodes of "The Electric Company"? Or wrote and directed Billy Crystal's debut film? Or that she used to be a writer for "Candid Camera"? Me neither, I just learned all that on IMDb, not in this movie. Outside of the fact that she appears every once and a while on Howard Stern I know nothing about Joan Rivers. Her interviews with Howard are always interesting and her commentary about showbiz engaging, but it seems like she's always promoting something, which is fine. I wanted to learn more about her, so I rented this movie and it's interesting, but I don't think I learned anything outside of the fact that she's a workaholic that seems to be going 50 different directions at once just to support her lavish lifestyle. It was kinda depressing.

The structure of the film is they're just following Joan around for a year. There's up's (winning contest on a reality TV show; still doing stand up comedy) and down's (her play bombed; she fired her longtime manager) and it's all very interesting, but I would have much rather had a straightforward documentary about her career up to this point filled with vintage footage and interviews of her peers and people she used to work with. The highlight of the movie to me was when she spoke about her husband committing suicide(!!!) and then she made a TV movie about it where she played herself! That's crazy! It was a quick mention, but I found that to be completely fascinating.

Joan was complaining a few days ago on Howard about how this movie got snubbed by the Academy for an Oscar nomination nod, but I can easily see why: it's not that interested. I liked it, but I didn't learn anything new and it honestly seemed like it was filmed to be a reality show or something. Worth watching if you're like Joan, but it's not all that great. I was hoping for something more informative and maybe even shocking.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

CLASS OF NUKE 'EM HIGH (1986)

Whenever I watch a Troma movie (and thank Satan that's not very often) the only thing that I can think of the entire movie is "Somebody actually got paid to write this shit?". How the fuck does that company even stay in business?

CLASS OF NUKE 'EM HIGH is about a high school next to a leaky nuclear plant in New Jersey. The ooze and radiation causes the students to start mutating with the expected results. For such an promising set up this movie is a massive letdown mainly due to the fact it looks so goddamn shitty! Also there's way too much time wasted on the normal crappy Troma one-liners and corny humor.

CONEH is actually much better than the stuff Troma would make later on, but it's still shit. The acting is over the top, the violence is silly, the nudity is nightmare inducing (that one chick's nipples actually made me scream in terror), the special effects are terrible. I can't think of anything positive to say about this movie.

Skip it.