ZOMBIE 4: AFTER DEATH (1988)

There's so many wonderful movies out there - UGETSU, THE BIG SKY, THE STORY OF THE LAST CHRYSANTHEMUMS, CINEMA PARADISO, THE SEARCHERS, INTERIORS, THE HUMAN CONDITION, THE AWFUL TRUTH (1937), ARSENIC AND OLD LACE, WALL-E, LOVE CRAZY (1941), THE MIRACLE OF MORGAN'S CREEK, THE VIRGIN SPRING, JOYSTICKS etc. - that I haven't reviewed, but yet I waste my time with junk like ZOMBIE 4: AFTER DEATH. I have to have a mental problem...but at least I laugh a lot, because that's all this movie is fucking good for: laughing at it!

This is a complete guess at the story since I never fully figured it out: a bunch of people run around while being chased by zombies. The End. I should also note that the zombies actually looked more like burnt ninjas than actual zombies because for some reason all of the zombies wore full body black clothing and jumped around nonstop like grasshoppers. The death scenes were laughable, the special effects were terrible, zero nudity, zero gore, lots and lots of vomiting, a gay porn star as the main actor, slow walking zombies, gun shooting zombies, running like a scalded ass ape zombies, talking zombies, jumping zombies. Tons of laughs, but zero scares. My advice is to avoid this funny turd, but if you insist on seeing it then just rent it.

Why would anybody ever need that many pockets on a vest? What could you possibly put in there?

THE BURROWERS (2008)

I'll be damned. This movie was actually alright. When I rented it I figured it would individually suck every dick this side of the Mississippi, but I was wrong.

The Dakota Territories, 1879. Borrowing heavily from THE SEARCHERS a girl is kidnapped in the dead of night from her frontier home. The young man who's be courtin' her rounds up a posse and they go off in search of the Indians who took her...except it wasn't Indians, it was some gross underground humanoid creatures that when it attack it paralyzes you with some puss, then buries you alive (except for your face) and you slowly get all gooey and then they return and eat you alive.

The movie is not great, by any stretch of the imagination, just above average, but the thing that really makes this film stand out above 99% of modern horror movies is (1) the director has talent and (2) the actors can actually act...not just run around in circles screaming like fucking idiots (HATCHET I'm looking at you, asshole). If you expect a nonstop bloodbath you're going to be disappointed, there's a lot of build-up, but if you like a little story along with your monster attacks then this is definitely a good rent.

SLEEPAWAY CAMP (1983)

Awwww yes summer's here again at Camp Arawak. Volleyball, softball, camping, swimming and murder!!! Who could the murderer be? The guy with the really short shorts? The other guy with the really short shorts? The slutty chick with the shorts pulled up nearly to her tits? The child molesting cook? The counselor molesting camp owner? The guy with the cobra iron-on shirt? There's tons of suspects, but you'd have to be a complete retard to not figure it out within the first few minutes. That doesn't take away from the fun though, because SLEEPAWAY CAMP is pure 80's cheese. It's a horror movie, yes, but for whatever reason there's just a great sense of light-heartedness surrounding the entire movie and every time I show it to people for the first time we laugh nonstop.

As far as camp slashers go SLEEPAWAY CAMP is a lot a blast and probably the closest the world will ever see as to what might have happened if John Waters had jumped on the camp slasher bandwagon back in the early 80's. Waters had nothing to do with SLEEPAWAY CAMP, but whenever I watch it I can't help but to think of him because there's a lot of his calling cards in here: gay stuff, cross dressing, strange clothes and campy dialogue...now if it had just had Divine (in the role of Angela!) it would have been a masterpiece!

Small amount of blood, zero gore, zero nudity, buckets of laughs, the largest cooking pot I've ever seen in my life, water balloon fight on a roof, a Blue Oyster Cult t-shirt, heart-pounding softball action, the world's fakest looking mustache and the immortal exchange "Eat shit and die, Ricky!" "Eat shit and live, Bill." Check it out! If you don't like it, then you're probably taking life too seriously.

"Meet me at the waterfront after the social."

Water balloon fight on a roof. Sounds safe.

Nice mustache.

I have those exact same shorts!

You can see his goddamn pecker!

That some fine women there.

A LONELY COW WEEPS AT DAWN (2003)

[A big "Thank you!" to the hard working people over at Pink Eiga for sending me this movie to review.]

Hollywood might be out of idea, but Japan fucking isn't! An old farmer is going senile, so instead of shipping him off to an old folk's home to die, his widowed daughter-in-law (who lives with him) runs out to the barn each morning before him, strips naked and takes the place of his favorite (now dead) cow, Bessie.

That's some weird fucking shit, but somehow this movie still comes off as being sweet. With a better cast and fewer pointless sex scenes it might have actually been touching...it's not often you'll hear me asking for less sex scenes, but I found myself not caring about the sex and being more interested in the story and the bizarre emotional bond that's developed between the old senile man and his daughter-in-law. I would love to see a serious remake of this film, not as a sex movie, but an actual drama...or maybe just a completely over-the-top gross-out comedy.

That said, I really can't recommend this movie. It's definitely unique, but the story is too slow and the sex scenes where very boring.

DEVIL (2010)

Five strangers are trapped in a elevator together. One of them might actually be Satan! LOL. How retarded.

Being that M. Night Shyamalan wrote this you automatically know it's going to have more twists than an octopus orgy. And what's funny is the red herrings he throws out are more interesting that actual ending! If this movie had thrown the supernatural aspect in the garbage and just did a straight murder mystery it would have been way better. The Devil horseshit should have been the red herring not the other way around.

Good acting, nice beginning, strong middle, crappy ending. Zero nudity, very little violence, a few drops of blood. Worth a rent, but that's it. It was better than I expected, but only mildly entertaining. Even at only 80 minutes it was too long. Trim off 20 minutes, drop the supernatural silliness and recut it as an episode of "Masters of Horror" or some other horror anthology show. Also how many people in this movie guest starred on "Six Feet Under"? At least three.

VOMIT!!!!!!!

HANDS ON A HARD BODY (1997)

I rented this thinking it was going to be a gay porno/drama about a TV evangelist who's called in to "degay" a world famous gay bodybuilder by laying hands on him and speaking in tongues, but it's not that at all! It's actually a fun little documentary about a "Hands on a Hard Body" contest where a bunch of hillbillies stand around a truck with one hand on it until everybody gives up and there's only one left. The winner wins the truck.

That might sound boring, but it was actually very exciting with the introduction of 24 contestants who naturally all, at the beginning, were talking shit and going on about their full proof plan on how they were going to win and everybody else sucked. Then as the clock ticked away so did the players one by one dropping off like flies. Some by exhaustion and others by sheer stupidity. Finally after two days latched by a invisible force to this truck people started getting fucking loopy. It was a fascinating experiment on human nature and all the strange changes your body goes through when you start putting it in extreme conditions.

I did a Google search to see if there was going to be one around Austin anytime soon and I guess people no longer do these cause some guy in 2005 right around the 48 hour mark, left, broke into a nearby Kmart, grabbed a shotgun and killed himself! Holy fuck! LOL. That sounds crazy, but definitely believable cause there was one girl in this movie who left the truck, couldn't even talk and just walked off down the road like a deranged zombie.

If you can find a copy, it's a great watch. I wish they would make this into a TV show.

Crazy Jebus lovin chick.

Funny scene where the guy was trying to interview a contestant but she was so exhausted all she could do was make noises. After awhile he just busted out laughing.

I have never seen a hair cut like that in my life. What's going on there?

TRASH HUMPERS (2009)

Four yutes, wearing what look like Grandpa masks from the original TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE, film themselves going around dry humping trash cans and mailboxes and trees and concrete walls and refrigerators and dumpsters and anything else they can clamp onto. They also dance around and destroy shit. At 30 minutes this would have been hilarious, but at 78 it gets old. Especially the scenes where everybody is just standing around doing nothing. There is no plot or story, the entire thing is made to look like, I guess found footage, that was filmed on an old VHS camera.

I like the concept and I'm a fan of Harmony, but TRASH HUMPERS comes off as if he's trying too hard to be different. But at least it's better than MORDUM which was pretty much the same film except that it went waaaaaaay over the top and made me want to commit suicide...by exploding every nuclear bomb on the planet at once.

Plus points for being different, minus points for not being that original at being different.

If I was rich I would pay Harmony to remake Brokencyde's "Freaxxx" video using his Trash humping friends...