Tuesday, January 3, 2012


It's common knowledge that EBOLA SYNDROME is the greatest disease outbreak movie of all time, but yet filmmakers still feel the need to try and defeat it...when will they ever learn?! *walks off shaking his handsome head*

CONTAGION opens with Gwyneth Paltrow looking more haggard than usual as she leaves China and returns to her family in Minnesota. Before long she collapses and dies. Her small son also dies. MEV-1 has made it to America. You would expect what follows to be a very exciting story of the disease spreading and humankind's efforts to stop it. That actually is the story, but it's methodical and dull, like being forced to assemble a 5,000 piece puzzle picturing my DVD player's 'runtime remaining' button. I wanted so much to like this movie because I love disease outbreak films, but CONTAGION is a lifeless disaster. There's absolutely zero build-up so you never even have a chance to identify or like the characters and there's so many fucking characters all running around different parts of the world doing different things it's almost impossible to even figure out what the movie is even going for...if anything! Because it certainly wasn't "To entertain audience.".

The trailer did look exciting, but what's implied is not what happens. Instead of an exciting race-against-the-clock thriller with a roller coaster pace we get a slow moving clunker with the pace of an 86-year-old man masturbating to an IKEA catalog. If the transmission rate of MEV-1 was as slow as this movie, then nobody would have died...ever! Plenty of talent on the screen, but it's all wasted by the slow as molasses script and the way down on Morphine direction. Skip it.
Sounds like that old South Park episode.