Sunday, September 30, 2012

WOLF CREEK (2005)

Three nerds drive out to the middle of fucking nowhere Australia in their crappy car and go for a long walk.  When they finally get back to the car, it doesn't work and hey check it out some helpful, creepy looking dude shows up in his creeper truck to help. "How about I tow you off to my house in the middle of Bum Fuck Egypt and fix your crap car there?" he says.  "Sure, why the fuck not?" they reply.  Once at his crap house that makes the shack in WRONG TURN look comfy, he drugs them and turns them into his personal playthings...or something, I don't know, since everything took place off screen or not at all.  What a boring turd.

Somewhere, I don't even know where, I got it into my brain that WOLF CREEK was suppose to be superscary and ultraviolent as fuck.  So I got a copy, stuck in the trust ol' OPPO and sat there bored out of my skull for 52 fucking minutes(!!!) until finally something sinister started to happen.  And was it superscary or ultraviolent?  Hell no.  Zero gore, very little blood, slow as molasses pace, zero nudity, low violence, unscary bad guy who I could beat the crap out of, annoying victims I wanted to punch.  Outside of the pretty Australian countryside I cannot think of a single reason to watch this movie.  Yeah, I'm about to say it so watch out...fucking TURISTAS was better!  That's right, I said it.  TURISTAS was boring as fuck, but the pace was a little bit better and I think one of the girls might have been attractive, I can't remember.  Either way, skip the fuck out of WOLF CREEK and TURISTAS and take a nap instead.

[SPOILER!!!] If all that wasn't enough to convince you to skip this turkey: at one point one of the girls is holding a gun, she actually knocks the killer dude unconscious and does nothing.  Just walks away.  Of course a few minutes later he wakes up and chops off her fingers then stabs her in the spine.

Part 2 - Wolf Creek 2