Friday, November 23, 2012

CHERNOBYL DIARIES (2012)

A group of privileged American ultradouchers decide it would be a good idea to go on an "extreme tourism" tour of Prypiat, the town right next to the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant.  Brilliant!  So anyway these tired-of-living motherfuckers check out the abandoned ruins in a crappy old truck with nobody knowing where they are except their lone tour guide.  Things are going about as well as you would imagine looking at old broken down buildings would go, so they decide to leave and...the truck doesn't start.  Color me surprised.  Shit happens and one by one our heroes are picked off by mutants.  I'm just saying "mutants" cause we never really get a good look at them...ever.  Could have just been a train full of malicious circus freaks crashed nearby or something.  Anyway, four score and seven cliches later I was yawning so hard that I barely even noticed the film had ended.

CHERNOBYL DIARIES is a good idea for a movie, even if it actually lifts from THE HILLS HAVE EYES, but unfortunately the execution of that idea is a complete failure.  Annoying main characters, CG bear, CG fish, stupid ending, zero blood, zero violence, weak acting, unfulfilled promises of nuclear mutants gone wild, missed opportunities left and right, that one nerd from WOLF CREEK has grown a beard, zero nudity.  Not the worst movie ever, but I can't think of any reason why you would waste your time with it.  Skip it.