Friday, November 23, 2012


Seven years before HBO's masterpiece "Chernobyl", a group of privileged American ultradouchers decide it would be a good idea to go on an "extreme tourism" tour of Prypiat, the town right next to the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant.  Brilliant!  So anyway, these tired-of-living motherfuckers check out the abandoned ruins in a piece of shit old rattletrap with nobody knowing where they are except their lone tour guide.  Things go about as well as you would imagine.  They look at a bunch of old broken down buildings, then when they decide to go home...the truck doesn't start.  Colour me surprised.  I never saw that coming.  Shit happens and one by one our heroes are picked off by mutants.  I'm just saying "mutants" cause we never really get a good look at them...ever.  It could have simply been a train full of malicious, cannibal circus freaks crashed nearby or something.  Anyway, four score and seven cliches later, I was yawning so hard that I barely even noticed the film had ended.

CHERNOBYL DIARIES is a good idea for a movie (even if it actually lifts from THE HILLS HAVE EYES), but unfortunately the execution of that idea is lightweight in the extreme.  Annoying main characters, CG bear, CG fish, stupid ending, zero blood, zero violence, weak acting, unfulfilled promises of nuclear mutants gone wild, missed opportunities left and right, that one nerd from WOLF CREEK has grown a beard, boring photography, zero nudity.

Not the worst movie ever, but I can't think of any reason why you would waste your time with it...I take that back, I did enjoy the one blonde chick pushing her tits out all over the joint. That was amusing.

If you need me, I'll be in my room playing "All Ghilled Up" on Veteran difficulty and punching holes in my TV.