Thursday, March 21, 2013

RED DAWN (2012)

"Jesus bless the USAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!"  Oh, hey.  I didn't see you there.  Ever since I watched the RED DAWN remake a few days ago I've been marching around my house singing "God Bless America", saluting my cat, firing off fireworks, eating raw deer meat, drinking organic deer blood, plastering my truck with hundreds of NRA stickers, stockpiling millions of bullets and masturbating to Sarah Palin speeches.  I've never felt so patriotic before!

Following opening credits that borrow heavily from the DAWN OF THE DEAD remake opening credits and tell us that North Korea is bad, we're introduced to our soon-to-be heroes at a Spokane, WA high school football game.  God must have liked the other team better because the Wolverines lose.  Afterwards they go rape some drunk chick...oh, wait, this is a fictional movie...I meant to say: they go eat freedom fries at a local hangout then go home and go to bed.  Cue the ominous sound effects and that bbder-der-der-der-der sound from BATTLESHIP cause here come the North Koreans and they mean business!  But so do our pigskin throwing heroes.  They jump in their American made truck and wreck the shit out of everything on the way out of town.  They group up at a cabin and just one montage scene later they're ready to jihad the fuck out of these foreign buttholes.  Wolverines!!!

I think I've said it before, but I've always thought the purpose of doing a remake was to improve on the original, but instead the only thing this RED DAWN remake did was dumb it down and make it flashier and lens flarerier.  It's not a bad film (I was entertained for the most part), but there was no surprises or standout scenes.  For a modern action movie, it all pretty standard: lots of shooting, lots of explosions, a tank, zero gore, zero blood, zero nudity, reality thrown far out the window, lens flare overdose, machine gun mounted on the top of a Mustang, enemy military so dumb I'm not sure they manged to even find America let alone invade it, macho talking, "funny" scene with happy music.

Not a bad film, but I wish the filmmakers had gone a much darker and grittier way instead.  If you need me I'll be in my Y2K shelter watching "Jericho".